NEVER ARGUE…..with someone whose……TV is bigger than their bookshelf
MARBLES…..when you’re young…..you play with them……when you get older…..you start losing them
DEAR FRIENDS…..your Christmas gift this year…..is me…..that’s right…..another year of friendship……your membership has been renewed
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING……to do in your life…..is to not interfere.…..with somebody else’s life
THIS YEAR HAS ALMOST GONE……not all our friends and family made it……never take for granted the people you love
WANNA KNOW HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER……shoot an unarmed Black male.…..and say it was in self defense
SOMEONE JUST HONKED……to get me out of my parking spot faster…..so now I have to sit here…..until both of us are dead
DEAR SANTA……I’m writing to tell you…..I’ve been naughty, and it was worth it…..you fat, judgmental bastard
I ASKED MY WIFE…..if I have anything in me…..that she doesn’t like……she scheduled a PowerPoint presentation tonight at 8
I DON’T SNORE…..I dream I’m a motorcycle
DEAR GOD: Why do you allow so much violence in our schools?
DEAR CONCERNED STUDENT: I’m not allowed in schools.
TODAY…..I’m going to give it…..my some
CHRISTMAS……The holiday when many Americans…..dress their children as people they would racially profile…..on any other day…..and never think twice about the irony
MOSCOW MAN BUYS A NEWSPAPER…..glances at the front page…..and throws it straight out…..next day……same thing……and again…..eventually the seller snaps….. “Why do you do that?”……he answers,….. “I’m just checking for a obituary”….. “But obituaries aren’t even on the front page”…… “Oh, the one I’m looking for will be.”
“IN RETROSPECT, THAT WAS STUPID”…..the working title of my memoir
THE OLDER I GET…..the more I understand…..why roosters just scream…..to start their day
POLICE OFFICER: Anything you say can be used against you
ROBBER: I know…..I’m married
SANTA CLAUS TALKING TO MRS, CLAUS…..Ok yes…..I went to my old girlfriends home last night….it’s my job
AND MY FAVORITE…..
STEVE BANNON…..threatened to send 4,000 shock troops…..and an army of “Patriots” against our capitol……Marjorie Taylor Greene…..declares her support……for an armed insurrection……Lindsey Graham……threatened riots on the streets…..if Trump’s indicted…..when terrorists tell you who thy are…….believe them.