MIGHT WAKE UP EARLY…..and go for a run…..might also win the lottery…..the odds are about the same

PEOPLE WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND……same sex relationships make me laugh…..because shit…..I don’t understand Korean….but I still know it’s a real fucking language

HAVING…81 years behind you…..is better than having…..91 criminal charges ahead of you

NO,…..things are not getting worse…..they’re just becoming more obvious

RIGHT NOW….I’m less concerned about who owns Tik Tok…..than I am about who owns the Supreme Court….and Tik Tok can avoid getting banned by…..simply renaming itself “Guns”

I DON’T DO WEIGHTS…..but I do hold my boobs when I run

EVERY WOMAN….deserves to be called beautiful at least once a day….so to the females reading this….you are beautiful

WHEN MONTY PYTHON’S “LIFE OF BRIAN”…..was banned in Norway….it was subsequently marketed in Sweden as….. “The film so funny that it was banned in Norway”

IF LIARS PANTS….really did catch on fire….watching the news would be a lot more fun

SPRING….is a reminder of how…..beautiful things can be

THE FACT…..that we even have a category called….. “The Working Poor”…..should tell you something is wrong

NEXT PERSON….that plays with me is getting tazed…..now look at us….both shocked

IT’S LIKE WINTER…..is really mad and keeps storming out the room…..and then coming back yelling,…. “And another thing!”

BEFORE YOU MARRY SOMEONE…..go sit in the traffic….with them for at least 2 hours

MY WIFE ASKED ME….if I could clear the table….I had to get a running start….but I made it

IF YOU AIN’T….willin’ to work for it….then don’t complain about not having it

MUFFINS…..spelled backwards….is exactly what you do…..when you take them out of the oven

TRAVEL….your money will return…..your time won’t

THEY SAID…..I’ve changed a lot…..I said a lot changed me

REPUBLICANS WILL TELL YOU……the gays are coming for your children….and then immediately turn around…..and pass a law….making it legal to marry a 13-year-old girl in Kentucky

AND MY FAVORITE:

WHEN WE THINK….of the Black Panthers….the image is usually a militant one….but did you also know…..they operated free clinics…..taught self-defense classes….fed kid breakfast before school…..delivered groceries to the elderly…..started a free school…..and started the nutrition program for new moms….and their babies which later became WIC