GRANDSON: Grandma, can you text with your new phone?….It’s Bobby
GRANDMA: Hi….no I cannot
GRANDSON: Hi grandma….we are building a baby crib….how exciting huh?
GRANDMA: I love building baby cribs….it’s basically your child’s first jail cell
GRANDSON: Hi grandma….I just wanted to know how you are doing
GRANDMA: Good…..my friends keep dying though
GRANDSON: You’re 96……and still don’t need glasses?
GRANDMA: No dear,…..I drink straight from the bottle
GRANDSON: Grandma, you’re from England….what’s something that feels British but isn’t?
GRANDMA; The contents of the British Museums
GRANDSON: Did you know Europeans live longer…..because of olive oil, red wine and nuts?
GRANDMA: Also, they can go to the doctor any time they want…..and not go bankrupt
GRANDSON: I hate it….disabled parking should only be valid…..during business hours…..from 9 to 5….Monday to Friday…..I cannot see any reason why people with genuine disabilities…..would be out beyond these times
GRANDMA: Jesus you idiot…..they’re disabled…..not werewolves
GRANDSON: What is the one rule you live by?
GRANDMA: Never trust the living
GRANDMA: Are you going out again tonight?
GRANDSON: Yeah, Grandma
GRANDMA: Well, be good…..if you can’t be good…..be careful….and if you can’t be careful…..name it after me
GRANDSON: Grandma, tell me what kind of person Grandpa was
GRANDMA: Let’s see…..there was one time we were talking about who would die first….and we looked at each other….and I told him….if I go first, don’t worry…it only takes three weeks for someone to starve to death….you’ll be right behind me
GRANDMA: Do you have any playboys?
STORE EMPLOYEE: Sorry, we don’t carry playboys
GRANDMA: Sure you do….my grandsons have them
STORE EMPLOYEE: Do you mean Gameboy?
GRANDMA: Yeah, that’s it….I want to play Tetris
GRANDSON: Your heartbeat is probably perfectly synchronized with someone else’s
GRANDMA: Especially if your dead
GRANDSON: Are you going out tonight?
GRANDMA: Nope
GRANDSON: Then what are you doing?
GRANDMA: There’s a storm coming in tonight….so I’m going to wear my lipstick to bed…..in case the house blows away….and I’m on the evening news
GRANDMA: Wow, I get fries with this dinner?
GRANDSON: Yep, I got you fries
GRANDMA: What did I do to deserve you?
GRANDSON: Awe, I love you too grandma
GRANDMA: I was talking to the fries
GRANDMA: When I die, I want you to do me a favor
GRANDSON: Sure, anything
GRANDMA: Make sure when you put me in my coffin…..I want to be placed face down
GRANDSON: WHAT??!?……Why?
GRANDMA: So everyone can walk up…..and kiss my ass
GRANDMA: Oh, that so sweet…..you have a picture of me and your grandpa on the wall
GRANDSON: Yeah, I love that photo
GRANDMA: I remember that day…..that’s the day he took my virginity
GRANDSON: How was I as a child?
GRANDMA: I remember saying,….. “That child would never”…..and here you’d come…..nerving like you never nerved before