THERAPIST: What happened to your fingers?
PATIENT: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
THERAPIST: Yes
PATIENT: I can’t do that
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
DAD: Did you have a good day at school?
SON: That’s not how school works
SON: You know what’s impossible?
DAD: Nope
SON: You can’t summon and entire generation with one line
DAD: Dearly beloved…..
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Passenger on an International flight)
(Man flirting): This is my first time flying to Germany…..is it yours?
AMY: No
(Man flirting): So how do you know when you’ve arrived in Germany?
AMY: When you look out the planes window….and see a car going faster than the plane
CO-WORKER: You shouldn’t eat red meat
AMY: My grandfather lived to be 100 years old
CO-WORKER: Did he eat red meat?
AMY: No, he minded his own business
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BUBBA: Hello, I’m here for my interview
INTERVIEWER: Great, and do you have any experience?
BUBBA: Yes, this is my 20th interview
BUBBA: Hello, is this the alcoholic’s helpline?
OPERATOR: Yes, it is
BUBBA: So, how do I make a Mojito?
BOSS: You’ve got to stop getting so irritated with your work colleagues
BUBBA: Then you’ve got to start hiring people who actually know how to do their job
WAITRESS: Do you wanna box for your leftovers?
BUBBA: Nah, I hate violence….you can have them
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: I’m cooking refried beans….you want some?
SISTA: Who fried them the first time?
SISTA: I love being a woman
SIS: Why?
SISTA: Purses hold more snacks
SIS: You a’ight?
SISTA: Nah….with all my aches and pains….I’m afraid I have that Chinese disease
SIS: What’s that???
SISTA: Yung No Mo
SIS: What the heck was that?
SISTA: That was my alarm….I changed it to applause so I get the recognition…..I deserve for waking up at 5:30am
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: I recently read that England’s Princess Charlotte….already spoke two languages at just two-years-old
GRANDMA: So do most children of immigrants….but I guess it’s less impressive when they’re poor
GRNADSON: Grandma….what’s consider trashy if your poor…..but classy if you’re rich?
GRANDMA: Day drinking
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: Ok, I’m gonna come to the point….is there a God?
BIBLE SISTER: Of course.
MOM: Has anyone proved it?
BIBLE SISTER: No, except to their own satisfaction
MOM: Does God have a brother called Simon?
BIBLE SISTER: No
MOM: But they can’t prove that either…..so he might have one…..and the universe could’ve been created by Simon
DAD: What’s your mother doing?
DAUGHTER: Watching a film with subtitles
DAD: Well, that’s normal
DAUGHTER: Why?
DAD: Do you know why women watch films with subtitles on?
DAUGHTER: Nope
DAD: Because they don’t know how to listen
MOM: I HEARD THAT!!
SON: Can I have some of your candy?
MOM: I got this for Mother’s Day
SON: You’re only a mom because of me
DAUGHTER: Why can’t dogs go to school?
DAD: Dogs are animals
DAUGHTER: They let in boys
MOM: (Spits out her martini)
SON: So, mom married you right?
DAD: Yep
SON: Why?
MOM: Nobody knows
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: A kid in the park informed me….smoking was bad for you
BRO: So, what did you do?
CUZ: I popped his balloon with my joint….and told him so was talking to strangers
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: Who is alarm?
PHONE CALL: Huh?
SUSAN: Yeah, who in the hell is alarm…..and why is she calling every day at 5:45 in the morning?
SUSAN: Thank you for buying cheesecake
PHONE CALL: It’s just regular cake
SUSAN: Thank you for going back to the store to buy cheesecake
SUSAN: I hate when you say you’re the “smart one” in this relationship
PHONE CALL: It’s because I am
SUSAN: Oh really?….then spell a word that begins with “f”…..and ends with “uck”?
PHONE CALL: Firetruck
PHONE CALL: Did you know that doctors have discovered this food….that when you eat it….you have all this pain and suffering for all your life?
SUSAN: What is it?
PHONE CALL: The wedding cake