PATIENT: I’m still confused about what went wrong with my first love
THERAPIST: Ever occur to you that your first….wanted to check her other options?
THERAPIST: So, your name is “Roses?”…..like the flower?
PATIENT: No, as in “Guns N’”
PATIENT: I woke up today wondering why the circus doesn’t come to town anymore
THERAPIST: That’s because all the clowns got into politics
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
GUY (In a bar): Can I get your number?
AMY: Are you working?
GUY: No
AMY: 765-4321
GUY: But this number is not working
AMY: Neither are you
TEXT: When can you hang out?
AMY: Anytime between….hell & nah
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: OMG!….I just found out I used to have a twin
BRO: Really?…..how?
CUZ: My mom said she had a picture of me when I was two
CUZ: Hey Bro,…..you know what I found out last night?
BRO: Nah, what?
CUZ: Pierced titties taste like house keys
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: That’s it…..I’m done
SIS: What’s wrong?
SISTA: I’m never eating an edible again
SIS: Why Not?
SISTA: I just watched a 2 hour movie on mute…..and started crying because I thought I was deaf
SIS: And where are you off to?
SISTA: I’m off to Club Bed
SIS: Club Bed?
SISTA: Yeah,….featuring DJ Pillow and MC Blanky
SIS: Why do you look like crap?
SISTA: I called my job from jail…..to tell them I couldn’t make it to work
SIS: So, what happened?
SISTA: They freakin’ bailed me out…..and made me come to work
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BOSS: So, you got it?
BUBBA: Yeah, I got it
(BRAIN): Got what?
COURT JUDGE: You’ve been brought here for drinking
BUBBA: Cool…..let’s get started
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: Mom, I’m hungry
MOM: Go make a sandwich
DAUGHTER: I don’t want a sandwich
MOM: Then you ain’t hungry
MOM: What ‘cha watching on the TV?
DAUGHTER: Nothing really
MOM: Back in the day when I watched TV shows…..Happy Days was the TV show that defined my generation….what do you think yours is?
DAUGHTER: Breaking Bad
DAUGHTER: Sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend
MOM: What’s the rush?
DAUGHTER: Well, I’m 16 and I don’t want to grow and become some old spinster
MOM: Ah, don’t worry about that
DAUGHTER: Why?
MOM: Madonna is 66 and her boyfriend is 30…..Cher is 78 and her boyfriend is 38
DAUGHTER: And your point is what?
MOM: Relax….your boyfriend is not even born yet
DAUGHTER: Good morning mother…..what a grand and beautiful day it is
MOM: Yeah,….to stay in bed
DAD: Hello my love….how are you?
MOM: Pissed…..I’m doing the bills
DAD: Oh, that can’t be fun
MOM: Hey,…..
DAD: Yes?
MOM: You remember back in the day when the bandits would rob the stagecoach and take the mail bags……and then as time went on…..they would rob mail trucks?
DAD: Yep.
MOM: They need to start doing that again
MOM (Slams the front door):
DAUGHTER: Are you alright?…..what the heck is wrong with you?
MOM: I just had a religious conversation with your God-fearing pain in the ass Aunt…..and she vowed to never speak to me again
DAUGHTER: And what did you say they time?
MOM: Me?….why me?…..all I did was answer her question
DAUGHTER: What did she ask you?
MOM: She told me to tell her something that’s not in the Bible…..but people think it is
DAUGHTER: What did you answer?
MOM: White folks
DAUGHTER: Nice!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: They say cows are bad for the environment
DAD: And why is that?
SON: Because all they do is fart
DAD: Kinda like vegans huh?
SON: Dad, why does that man have a dress on?
DAD: Why do you have pants on?
SON: Because I like pants
DAD: Thank you….now mind your own business
SON: Why are you reading a book?…..print is so dead
DAD: Maybe print is dead…..but at least when you finish a book….there isn’t a string of obnoxious comments waiting on the last page
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDMA: I threw a Tupperware bowl out yesterday
GRANDSON: Why?
GRANDMA: Because I didn’t want to clean it
GRANDSON: I just ran into an old high school sweetheart
GRANDMA: Really?
GRANDSON: Yeah, she had three sets of twins….and one little girl
GRANDMA: Oh my….that’s too bad for the little girl
GRANDSON: Why do you say that?
GRANDMA: Later on in life, if her boyfriend ever cheats on her….he’s going to receive one confusing ass-whipping
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: I’m so tired from all the CrossFit I did this morning
PHONE CALL: It’s pronounced “Croissant”…..and you ate three of them
PHONE CALL: What ‘cha doing?
SUSAN: Watching the news
PHONE CALL: What’s on?
SUSAN: The season finale of the United States