PATIENT: My half-brother is 6’3”
THERAPIST: Wow,…..just imagine if he were a full brother
PATIENT: I found this wonderful cake receipt…..but I’m wondering if there’s a way I could make it…..without nuts for those who are allergic
THERAPIST: Yeah,…..just don’t add nuts
PATIENT: A single ant can live to be 29-years-old
THERAPIST: What about a married one?
PATIENT: My ex said time heals all wounds
THERAPIST: And is that why you stabbed him?
WIFE: He made two fat jokes yesterday
HUSBAND: That’s a lie
THERAPIST: Then why would she remember you making them?
HUSBAND: Because elephants never forget
THERAPIST: So how antisocial are you?
PATIENT: If I swipe my card at the gas pump…..and it says “See cashier”….I just leave
PATIENT: I think my neighbor is stalking me….she’s been Googling my name on her computer
THERAPIST: And how do you know that?
PATIENT: I saw it through my telescope last night
THERAPIST: So, what type of sports activities do you do?
PATIENT: A few and bungee jumping ain’t one of them
THERAPIST: Why not?
PATIENT: I came into this world because of a broken rubber….and I’m sure as hell not leaving it because of another one
PATIENT: My girlfriend’s family is so against us dating
THERAPIST: Who are they to stop you
PATIENT: Her husband and kids
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: A bill collector called me today and said; “You’re gym fee bill is a year old”
MOM: So, what did you say?
DAUGHTER: I said, tell it happy birthday…..and hung up
DAUGHTER: Mom, what’s a conspiracy theorist?
MOM: A mentally challenged person…..who lacks critical thinking, thrives on fear mongering…..and gets duped very easily…..into believing any controversial thing….without evidence, dear
DAUGHTER: Why do you call me 12?
MOM: Dozen cook…..dozen clean….dozen do anything
MOM: Never let anyone tell you….what you can and cannot do
DAUGHTER: Why?
MOM: Just look at Beethoven…..everyone told him he would never be a musician……because he was def….but did he listen?
DAUGHTER: You need new meds mom…..like now!
DAUGHTER: Mom,….when you were young…..what did you do for fun?
MOM: I’d go to the shopping mall….go into a fitting room…..wait a minute and then yell….. “HEY,….THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!”
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: Grandma,…..I don’t know if you know this…..but one time I accidentally walked in…..and saw you and grandpa making love
GRAMDMA: Really?
GRANDSON: Yeah,…..that’s why I don’t eat raisins anymore
GRANDSON: Grandma,…..what’s the best part about turning 60?
GRANDMA: No more calls from life insurance salesmen
GRANDSON: Grandma….what type of person was grandpa?
GRANDMA: He had the heart of a lion…..and a lifetime ban….from the New York City zoo
GRANDMA: You’re getting old…..you should get married
GRANDSON: Will getting married…..stop me from getting old?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: You always think you’re so damn smart…..what was a more important invention than the first telephone?
BRO: Ah…..the second one?
CUZ: NASA just announced…..they can now turn 98% of pee into drinking water
BRO: What happens to the other 2%….?
CUZ: I did a bad thing
BRO: Does it affect me?
CUZ: No
BRO: Then suffer in silence
CUZ: What would you do if I told you….someone said I was super smart
BRO: Nothing….I can’t talk and laugh at the same time