SIS: I’m back from my trip
SISTA: Great
SIS: So, what do you do over the weekend?
SISTA: Why, what did you hear?
SIS: How you doing this morning?
SISTA: Man, this Lee family is stressing me out
SIS: What Lee family?
SISTA: Emotional Lee…..Mental Lee…..Physical Lee….and we can’t forget Financial Lee
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
DAD: Hey, how was school today?
SON: My science/Eco-save the planet teacher took us to the planetarium on a field trip
DAD: Cool, how was it
SON: They showed us the solar system, and everyone booed Earth
SON: Dad, why are you using an Android phone?
DAD: Because Adam & Eve used an apple….and it messed everything up
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
TEXT: Any plans for the weekend?
AMY: I’ll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don’t exist
(Guy in a bar)….What do you like to do for fun?
AMY: I like being left alone….it’s comfortable
TEXT: What time do you get off work?
AMY: Officially 5 pm…..emotionally 2 pm…..but on Friday 10 am
AMY: (Talking to a telemarketer)……Why did you tell me to press #1….for English….and then you put Aladdin on the phone?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: Good morning Grandma….it’s the start of a new day
GRANDMA: Yeah, and I’m off like a herd of turtles
GRANDSON: Grandma, do you ever get lonely?
GRANDMA: I’m never lonely…..because I have 4 men in my life
GRANDSON: Excuse me??
GRANDMA: I get up in the morning with Charley horse…..I spend my day with Arthur itis…..I dine with Will power…..and I go to bed with Ben Gay
GRAND DAUGHTER: In school they said Santa is a man
GRANDMA: He is
GRAND DAUGHTER: How do you know Nana?
GRANDMA: Because he shows up late….eats your cookies….empties his sack….comes only once….calls you a ho…..and leaves while you’re sleeping
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: I need a new computer password
PHONE CALL: How about “Mypen!$”
SUSAN (starts laughing): Sorry, the computer screen says “error”
PHONE CALL: Why?
SUSAN: Because it’s not long enough
PHONE CALL: Have I ever told you I love your cooking?
SUSAN: No
PHONE CALL: So why do you still cook?
SUSAN: I’m leaving you
PHONE CALL: Is it because I act like I know everything?
SUSAN: Yes
PHONE CALL: I knew it
PHONE CALL: Oh crap….I broke a glass
SUSAN: Don’t worry, I’m coming with a broom
PHONE CALL: It ain’t urgent….you can just walk
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: Wait, why are you already home from school?
SON: Well, the teacher told me to have a good day…..so I’m just here to play some PS5
MOM: So, how was your date?
DAUGHTER: It was cool…..he took me to a new restaurant called “Karma”
MOM: Really?….what do they serve?
DAUGHTER: Just desserts
MOM: You’re an ass
BIBLE SISTER: You need to realize that God promised men…..that good obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world
MOM (Sipping a martini)…..Yep,…..and then he made the world round
SON: Mom, guess what I found out today?
MOM: Surprise me
SON: I found out what Roman barbers used to cut their hair
MOM: What?
SON: Caesar’s
MOM (to herself): And all I asked for was a back-rub…..just a simple freakin’ back-rub
DAUGHTER: Mom, I got a joke for you
MOM: Ok, hit me
DAUGHTER: What did Helen Keller name her son?
MOM: What?
DAUGHTER: Urrrruuuughhh
MOM: You do know you’re going to hell right?
DAUGHTER: You have to call my teacher
MOM: (drinking a martini)….What in the hell you do this time?
DAUGHTER: Nothing….she was talking political correct relationship crap in class….and I asked her a question
MOM: And here we go……what did the old bat say?
DAUGHTER: Since she was so “PC”….I asked her “So why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie?”
MOM: And?
DAUGHTER: She didn’t know why
MOM: And you said?
DAUGHTER: I said,…. “Well, maybe it’s because Ken came in a different box”
MOM: So, do you remember the stupidest thing you’ve ever said?
DAD: I do
MOM: Wait…..what?
DAUGHTER: Mom, what’s your definition of marriage?
MOM: It’s a fancy term for….adopting an overgrown male child…..who can’t be handled by his parents anymore
MOM: Your shoes are on the wrong feet
SON: I don’t have any other feet
MOM: Fair enough
DAUGHTER: Oh great…..now my McDonald’s apple pie is cold
MOM: Really?
DAUGHTER: Yeah
MOM: Back in the day….a McDonald’s apple pie was served at close to the surface temperature…..of the planet Mercury
DAUGHTER: I’m so loving Japanese history
MOM: Cool
DAUGHTER: Too bad you can’t explain Japanese history in a meme
MOM: Why, because you can’t Samurais it?
DAUGHTER: “DAD…..WHY DID YOU SAY I DO?”
MOM: Crap
DAUGHTER: What now?
MOM: I’m having problems with my computer again
DAUGHTER: Have you tried disabling cookies?
MOM: I once bit the leg off a gingerbread man…..does that count?
DAUGHTER: You look finished
MOM: Just got off the phone with your aunt
DAUGHTER: Bible of Hell?
MOM: Hey, you can’t say that…..Hell
DAUGHTER: And, enlighten me with her wisdom
MOM: She told me….a ring of salt would protect me from evil
DAUGHTER: Wow!
MOM: Yeah, I know….so I’m gonna see if this margarita works