SISTA: I realize I have four thing in common….with a raccoon
SIS: What’s that?
SISTA: Dark circles around my eyes…..eating junk food…..a little chubby…..and staying up all night
SISTA: I need a BF
SIS: A best friend?
SISTA: No, a Billion….Freakin’ dollars
SIS: So, how was your date?
SISTA: A total waste of makeup
SIS: Hey…..
SISTA: Huh?
SIS: Did you know…..there’s a garden in England dedicated entirely to plants that are deadly and can kill you…..
SISTA: Nope….
SIS: It’s the most dangerous garden in the world
SISTA: Really?
SIS: Yep….it hold over 100 killer plants like hemlock, strychnine and nightshade
SISTA: Do they have a gift shop?
SIS: What’s the best drug…. To have sex on?
SISTA: Birth control
SIS: I’m so tired of being single
SISTA: Don’t worry, I’m single too….you know what that means?
SIS: Nobody wants us
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: If a boy is mean to you…..does that mean…..he likes you?
MOM: No…..it means he’s an asshole
DAUGHTER: Gee mom…..why are you and dad so awful?…..I can’t do anything because you both have so many rules
MOM: That’s true dear….so to make your life easier…..I will explain the parent rules to you ok?
DAUGHTER: Ok
MOM: Maybe…..never…..Possibly……never…..We’ll see…..no, we won’t see…..Let’s see what happens…..we’re praying you’ll forget…..We’ll think about it…..no, we won’t think about it…..and also…..no!
MOM: I like your new blouse
DAUGHTER: Thanks…..but you can’t wear it
MOM: I didn’t ask
DAUGHTER: Because you’re too fat
MOM: I DIDN’T ASK!!
MOM: How long has it been since our son took a bath?
DAD: I sprayed him with the hose yesterday…..while I was washing the car
MOM: Oh,….thank goodness
DAUGHTER: If you get a ring when you get married…..do you get a ring when you divorce?
MOM: No….you get a house…..and half his net worth
DAUGHTER: What do you do after we go to bed?
MOM: I sit and think about you and your brother…..how much I love the two of you…..and makes me miss you both until morning
DAUGHTER: I could stay up with you…..and keep you company
MOM: Hell No,…..but thanks
DAUGHTER: Dad I need your help….I got a flat tire
DAD: Can’t your boyfriend help you?
DAUGHTER: I called him but he’s busy
DAD: Well, don’t you have a spare
DAUGHTER: I called him too…..but he didn’t answer
DAUGHTER: Mom?
MOM: Yes dear….
DAUGHTER: Did you sing to me and my brother when we were babies?
MOM: Of course…..
DAUGHTER: What was your favorite song?
MOM: Y’all gone make me lose my mind…..up in here….up in here….y’all gone make me go all out…..up in here….up in here…..y’all gone make me act a fool…..up in here…..up in here…..y’all gone make me lose my cool….up in here….up in here…..
DAUGHTER: Ah…..ok…..I’m going to school now
MOM: Love you
DAUGHTER: So,….how would you describe being the parent….to two wonderful children?
MOM: It’s like being shot out of a cannon….every morning….right in the middle of the circus….and immediately being handed…..flaming batons to juggle…..anything else you want to know?
DAUGHTER: Nah…..I’m good
DAD (Coming home from work): So, how was your day darling?
MOM (Sipping on her martini): Let’s just say…..I’m at the age….where my body whispers….. “Please don’t do that again”
TEACHER: Hi, your assignment has not been submitted yet….email your assignment
DAUGHTER: Sir, I have a network problem
TEACHER: That’s your problem
DAUGHTER: Sir, I have mailed my assignment….hope you have received it
TEACHER: I haven’t received it yet
DAUGHTER: That’s your problem
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
AMY: When I drink alcohol…..everyone says I’m an alcoholic…..but when I drink Fanta….no one says I’m Fantastic
AMY: I feel like I’m living a champagne life…..on a tap water salary
AMY: I’ll never join one of those online dating services…..I prefer to meet someone the old fashion way…..through alcohol…..and poor judgement
AMY: I’m thinking about opening a restaurant…..and call it “Peace & Quiet”…..and kid meals will cost $150 dollars
AMY: I found out today that…..stress balls are for squeezing….and not for throwing at people….who stress you out
AMY: Why on earth…..would you say…. “Half a dozen”…..when you can literally say…. “six?”
TEXT: Hey, can I call you?
AMY: You can
(Missed call)
TEXT: You don’t pick up?
AMY: I didn’t say I’d pick up