SISTA: Wow…..man, I have never been this high in my life
SIS: Can you move?
SISTA: Why?….am I in the way?
SISTA: Oh give me a break….I wasn’t that drunk
SIS: Really?….in Walmart when the intercom thing came on…..you dropped to your knees and screamed….. “THE LORD HAS SPOKEN”
SISTA: Awesome…..
SISTA: So,….have you taken a shower yet?
SIS: No, but I was gonna take one when I got home
SISTA: So, you’re telling me…..you’ve been walking around all day….with bird shit in your hair?
SIS: So, how’s your day going?
SISTA: It was great until 10am
SIS: What happened at 10am?
SISTA: I woke up
SIS: I’ll cook dinner tonight…..because I know how much you love my home cooking
SISTA: There needs to be a word for when you’re starving….but would rather die….than eat any of the food you cook
SISTA: What is 5Q plus 5Q?
SIS: 10Q?
SISTA: You’re welcome
SISTA: You know…. “Coward”…..should really mean…..to move in the direction of a cow
SIS: WTF are you smoking now?
SIS: Hey,….the neighbor’s kids challenged us to a water fight
SISTA: I’m in….just wait until the water finishes boiling
SIS: So,…..and how was your new blind date last night?
SISTA: Let’s just say….if he was the trophy at the end of my race…..I would walk backwards
SIS: But last week, it looked like you were chasing after the guy…..to get him to date you
SISTA: The only time I’ll chase a guy….is if he steals my food
SIS: Are you drinking again?
SISTA: No….it’s just tea
SIS: Oh really?….what kind of tea?
SISTA: Tea-quila
SISTA: I’m so fat
SIS: No…..you’re beautiful
SISTA: I didn’t say I was ugly…..I said I was fat
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: MOM…..WATCH OUT!!!!
MOM: Whew,…..thanks, I didn’t even see that car…..you saved my life
DAUGHTER: Yeah, I couldn’t let you get squished……because I might not like my new stepmom
DAUGHTER: Mom.,….how much of this meatball is meat?
MOM: Probably like 90%
DAUGHTER: So, it’s 10% balls?
MOM: (spits out her food….)
DAUGHTER: Mom….you do know you have too many kids right?
MOM: Yeah, I know….which one should I get rid of?
DAUGHTER: Mom,…..sometimes I feel so stupid
MOM: Darling…..whenever you’re feeling stupid……just remember Kim Kardashian played poker…..wearing mirrored glasses
DAUGHTER: Mom…..we’re out of cheese
MOM: You should say not….. “we’re out”…..but….. “I ate all the cheese”…..you need to learn to be responsible, honey
MOM: How make chicken
DAUGHTER: What??
MOM: Where buy chicken
DAUGHTER: Mom, I’m not google
MOM: Avacoda
MOM: (texting her daughter)…..You left your phone at home
DAUGHTER: That pain in the butt 4-year-old off-spring you thought was a good idea to have….won’t go to bed….do you think it’s ok if I let him watch tonight’s Game of Thrones?
MOM: ARE YOU INSANE????…..absolutely not!…..there’s way too much going on…..he’ll be completely lost…..he has to start from season one…..or it just won’t make any sense
MOM: Am I a bad mother Jane?
DAUGHTER: My name is Gracie
MOM: I need more contacts….I just put in my last pair….so I’ll need another set in like a month and a half if that’s possible
DAUGHTER: So,….do you order them….or should eye?
MOM: You’re an ass
DAUGHTER: Mom…..
MOM: Yes dear
DAUGHTER: Did you know….if you put your left shoe on the wrong foot….it’s on the right foot?
MOM: You’re still an ass