SISTA: I need a vacation
SIS: Didn’t you just get back from a vacation?
SISTA: You ate lunch yesterday….does that mean you don’t need lunch today?
SIS: You do know Fifty Shades of Grey…is romantic only because the guy is a billionaire?
SISTA: Yep….and if he’d lived in a trailer…..it would be a Criminal Minds episode
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
THERAPIST: And how do we respond when people call us a train wreck?
PATIENT: Whoo, whoo….all aboard!
THERAPIST: Ah,….no.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: I went to a family reunion and didn’t talk to a single person
BRO: Really?
CUZ: Yeah, I had no idea whose family it was….but the mac and cheese was worth it
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
PATIENT: Doc, I got a problem
MOM: What is it?
PATIENT: I fart but they don’t smell
MOM: Ok, let one rip and we’ll see what’s up
PATIENT: (Farts)
MOM: Yep, you need surgery
PATIENT: What…on my ass?
MOM: On your nose you bastard
TEACHER: Why are you late for class?
DAUGHTER: Because of the sign on the road
TEACHER: What sign?
DAUGHTER: It said…. “School ahead – go slow”
TEACHER: GET OUT!!
SON: When I was a little kid….I didn’t care what I wore…..I just went along with whatever my parents chose
MOM: That’s right dear
SON: Now when I look back at my old photos….I realize you and dad didn’t care either.
MOM: You do know that your dad and I….just want you and your brother to have all the things we couldn’t afford
DAUGHTER: Awww, that’s sweet
SON: Why?….so you two can move in?
MOM: Do you ever wonder why we met?
DAD: All the time
MOM: What do you think?
DAD: I think the universe knew I needed you
DAUGHTER: Excuse me while I go throw-up
DAUGHTER: Guess what I learned today in that factory
MOM (On the sofa with a martini): And what would that be darling?
DAUGHTER: That a pessimist sees a dark tunnel
MOM: Yep
DAUGHTER: And an optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel
MOM: True
DAUGHTER: Now a realist sees a freight train
MOM: Heading right at ‘em
DAUGHTER: That’s all positive thinking
MOM: Yes it is…..but your teacher left out one very valid point
DAUGHTER: Which is?
MOM: The train driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307…..
SUSAN: Tequila probably won’t fix your life
PHONE CALL: It’s worth a shot
SUSAN: Did you know there are 28 bones in your hand?
PHONE CALL: 29 when I’m lonely
SUSAN: When I was a child, they told me the bird that delivers babies is called the Stork
PHONE CALL: And when you were little did they tell you….the bird that prevents girls from becoming pregnant is the Swallow?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDMA: Cars these days have too many gadgets
GRANDSON: What do you mean?
GRANDMA: I tried to reverse….and it played a video of somebody getting run over by a car
GRANDMA: GRANDMA!!!!!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: Well, I went to that stupid party I didn’t want to go to and took your advice
MOM: What, “Just be yourself?”
DAUGHTER: Yep
MOM: And?
DAUGHTER: And now everyone is scared of me….and I think we might need a lawyer
BIBLE SISTER: You’re going to change your ways and think differently one day…..evil is everywhere….the devil and his 666 mark of evil is around us
MOM: So, you’re saying 666….is evil?
BIBLE SISTER: Yes it is…..amen
MOM: So, that means….25.8069758….is the root of all evil?
BIBLE SISTER: I’ll pray for you baby sister.
MOM: Ha….good luck with that
MOM: And what are you doing?
DAUGHTER: Pondering
MOM: Ah, ok….and what’s pondering you right now?
DAUGHTER: I’ve been sitting here for 2 hours trying to understand…..if shampoo and conditioner are 2-in-1….how does the shampoo know to go first?
SON: I quit….humans are dumb
DAUGHTER: What now?
SON: I’ve come to realize why they’re inventing artificial intelligence
DAUGHTER: Why?
SON: It’s because real intelligence is running out
DAUGHTER: Pretty smart….for a six-year-old
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B…..
CUSTOMER: What’s the wifi password?
BUBBA: You need to buy a drink first
CUSTOMER: Ok, I’ll have a coke
BUBBA: Is Pepsi ok?
CUSTOMER: Sure, how much is that?
BUBBA: $3
CUSTOMER: There you go….so what’s the wifi password?
BUBBA: You need to buy a drink first….no space, all lowercase