May 7, 2023

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt. 555

SIS: You know…..I’ve been in 7 car accidents this year….you can’t tell me God doesn’t have a plan for me

SISTA: Girl,….it sounds like…..he tryna to kill you

SIS: Seriously, money aside….what do you need right now?

SISTA: The money you just put aside

SIS: What the hell is wrong with you today??

SISTA: Not one time in any of the Fast and Furious movies…..did they stop for gas

SIS: Come on, what do you mean you don’t like your new job`……you have to always give 100% at work

SISTA: Oh, ok…..how about this…..Monday…..11%…..Tuesday……24%……Wednesday…..40%……..Thursday…..23%…..Friday…..2%…..that works for you?

(Argument at family dinner)

SIS: (Whispers….) Don’t start taking sides this time

SISTA: Why not…..(while sliding roast potatoes in her pocket)….they’re too busy yelling to notice

SIS: I eat mostly whole foods

SISTA: So do I…..whole pizzas, whole packets of biscuits……whole cakes, whole bags of Doritos…..and whole tubs of ice cream

SIS: Can I call the cops on our neighbors?…..they have a newborn baby who cries all the time….the baby disrupts my sleep…..the crying is annoying and makes me angry

SISTA: Yes….make them arrest the baby

SIS: I like brushing my teeth

SISTA: Well, that good

SIS: It makes them sharper

SISTA: You need to back the fuck up

SIS: Can we please start a support group for procrastinators?

SISTA: Sure…..tomorrow sounds good

SIS: Are you ever going to grow up and talk to me again?

SISTA: Okay, what would you like to talk about?

SIS: I’d rather talk in person

SISTA: Okay…..I’ll meet you in the Blockbuster’s parking lot

SIS: Blockbusters isn’t even a thing anymore

SISTA: Exactly

SIS: I’m going to Nashville in a few days….any other places I should visit?

SISTA: Hell

SISTA: Do you have $2,500 dollars I can borrow?

SIS: Why do you need $2,500 dollars?

SISTA: For an escape room

SIS: What kind of escape room costs $2,5000????

SISTA: Jail

SISTA: How does “The Rock” pee?

SIS: I don’t know…..I guess like everyone else

SISTA: He Dwaynes his Johnson  

SIS: Being kissed in your sleep is like…..the purest form of love

SISTA: Unless you are home alone

SIS: OMG!…..this guy abused his girlfriend….and then told the police…..he was sleep fighting…..what the hell is that?

SISTA: Don’t madda…..two days later her boyfriend died of food poisoning…..and she told the police…..she was sleep cooking

SIS: I just turned 50 and I feel so old

SISTA: Oh, don’t let it get you down….you’re the same age as Baby Yoda….and he’s the cutest thing in the universe

SIS: What could be more wonderful than hearing someone say….. “I love you?”

SISTA: Hearing the whirring sound made by the ATM machine…..as it dispenses the cash

SISTA: WTF do you think I have a drinking problem`

SIS: Because I asked you to toast some bread…..and you raised your wine glass and said….. “Here’s to bread!”

SIS: Last night I dreamt I was walking on a beautiful sandy beach

SISTA: Well, that explains the footprints in the litter box

SISTA: Ugh…..I feel like crap

SIS: What’s wrong?

SISTA: It’s my day 2…..without carbs

SIS: You gonna be ok?

SISTA: Don’t know…..I just lost my hearing in my right eye

SIS: Awwww, that’s so sweet

SISTA: What?

SIS: A Sesame Street Muppet will become the first…..to experience homelessness

SISTA: Are you kiddin’ me?…..Oscar the Grouch been living in a trash can for 49 years

SIS: Name a best way to toast someone?

SISTA: Over a fire

SIS: So tell me….when was the last time a man opened a car door for you?

SISTA: When I was arrested

SIS: Have you ever looked at someone and thought…..shut the hell up….and they weren’t even speaking?……why are you staring at me?

SIS: Awwww, don’t be sad…..always remember….you matter

SISTA: Not if you multiply yourself with the speed of light…..then your energy

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