PHONE CALL: I’m putting my drinking days behind me
SUSAN: Well, that’s good
PHONE CALL: Now I’ll only drink at night
SUSAN: I read an article that said….a couples counseling meeting speaker mentioned that couples are so disconnected…..that 85% of husbands don’t even know their wives favorite flower
PHONE CALL: It’s self-rising, isn’t it?
PHONE CALL: I love long meaningful walks
SUSAN: Me too…through three terminals and a duty-free store
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDMA: Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today
GRAND DAUGHTER: You go hide…..I told her you passed away
GRANDSON: Apparently a Harvard physicist believes….aliens are preparing to invade Earth by November
GRANDMA: At this point, it might be an upgrade
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B…..
(Interviewer): It says on your application you’re quick with arithmetic
BUBBA: Yes, I am
(Interviewer): What is 14 x7?
BUBBA: 62
(Interviewer): That wasn’t even close
BUBBA: But I was quick
BUBBA: Can I open a joint account?
BANKER: Sure, with whom?
BUBBA: I’m not picky….anyone rich will do
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAD: Wow, bad day or really bad day?
SON: I almost punched a kid in the face because he was getting on my nerves
DAD: No son, sometimes you just have to be the better person and behave
SON: Me?….behave?….seriously?….when I was a kid I saw Tarzan almost naked….Cinderella came home after midnight…..Pinocchio told lies…..Aladdin was a thief….Batman drove over 200mph….Snow White lived with 7 men….Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos….Pac-Man ran around to digital music, eating performance-enhancing pills….and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery-solving hippies with constant munchies…..the fault is not mine
DAD: Honey…..your son is home!
DAUGHTER: I hate it when I ask that brat to do something and he ignores me
MOM: Your brother?
DAUGHTER: Yeah….
MOM: It’s like they’re little husbands in training huh?
DAUGHTER: Dad, what’s the one book that changed your life?
DAD: My passport
DAUGHTER: Sometimes, talking to mom is all the therapy I need
DAD (whispers to himself): And sometimes you need therapy after talking to your mom
MOM: “I HEARD THAT!”
DAUGHTER: What’s the best tip you can give me to save money?
MOM: Lay down and don’t move
SON: Mom, what makes a good relationship?
MOM: Knowing that you have a good woman by your side during the bad times
DAD (whispers to his son): To tell you that none of this would’ve happened….if you had just listened to her
MOM: “I HEARD THAT!”
MOM: I got another call from your teacher today
DAUGHTER: Yeah, she told me she would ringy-dingy you
MOM: She said you had an argument with a classmate
DAUGHTER: Dude’s a jerk
MOM: Ok, and during this so-called spat….he told you to “get a grip”
DAUGHTER: Yep
MOM: When someone tells you to “get a grip”….apparently around their neck is not what they meant
DAUGHTER: Hey mom?
MOM: Yes
DAUGHTER: What’s it like being a mom?
MOM (2 am and waking up her daughter): My sock came off
DAD: You know what playing chess teaches about life?
SON: The female piece can do whatever she likes?
MOM: “I HEARD THAT!”
DAD: How are you feeling?
MOM: Your suitcase just text me…..it’s getting bored
MOM: I’m excited to announce that….. “I HAVE JUST ABOUT HAD IT!”
DAD (whispers to the kids): Quick run…..go hide.
MOM: Holy crap!
DAD: What’s wrong?
MOM: I ran into an old friend….and realized I’m still “It” from a game of tag in 1981
DAUGHTER: You’re home early
MOM (with a martini on the sofa): Yeah, we lost an Italian chef in the ER today
DAUGHTER: Sorry to hear that
MOM: Thanks….he pasta way….we cannoli do nothing….he run out of thyme and his legacy will become a pizza history
DAUGHTER: You never went to work today, right?
MOM: Nope, day off.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
THERAPIST: And what do we say when we’re sad
PATIENT: Flight booked?
THERAPIST: No!
THERAPIST: So, you broke up with your boyfriend?
PATIENT: Yeah, I told him I think it’s time we take this relationship back to the previous level
PATIENT: But the voices just won’t stop
THERAPIST: Those are people, they’re allowed to talk
THERAPIST: And how do you handle someone who hates you for no reason?
PATIENT: Give them a reason?
THERAPIST: No!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: You remember when you used to jump out of the swing in mid-air?
DAD: Yeah….I miss those knees
DAD: You ok son?
SON: Nah, I had an argument with my friends in a group chat
DAD: So, you’re afraid of losing friends over your posts about a controversial topic?
SON: No, I’m afraid of remaining silent….and seeing friends and their loved ones….suffer due to the lack of knowledge
DAD: Whoa….who in the hell are you and what did you do with my 11-year-old son?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: Have you ever been to Japan?
SISTA: Ok fine, you’ve convinced me…..I’ll start packing
SIS: You look sad, what’s up?
SISTA: I responded to a group wedding invitation
SIS: And?
SISTA: I said, “Maybe next time” and now everyone is upset
SIS: A co-worker from Holland just married a Filipino man
SISTA: And what are they going to call their kids…..Hollapinos?
SIS: In closing, I’m certain your IQ will long be memorialized in children’s shoe sizes
SISTA: I swear all men are the same
SIS: Well, ain’t nobody asks you to try them all