SUSAN: What do you want for your birthday?

PHONE CALL: A girlfriend that’s not crazy

SUSAN: You should ask for something more realistic….like a dragon

SUSAN: Undress me with your words darling…..

PHONE CALL: You have a spider in your bra

SUSAN: I want to donate my clothes…..to people who are starving

PHONE CALL: Anyone who can fit your clothes….is surely not starving

SUSAN: Can you pick up batteries for the smoke alarms today…..I don’t wanna die

PHONE CALL: Then don’t lite anything on fire

SUSAN: I’ve never done this before

PHONE CALL: You’ve never had sex?

SUSAN: I’ve never lowered my standards this much

SUSAN: I need to tell you something

PHONE CALL: Ok

SUSAN: I broke your xbox

PHONE CALL: WHAT?!?!?!

SUSAN: Just kidding…..I’m cheating on you

PHONE CALL: So my xbox is ok right?

PHONE CALL: I want to kiss you everywhere

SUSAN: EVERYWHERE??…..Omaha, Nebraska?…..Springfield, Ohio?…..Red Lobster?

PHONE CALL: Stop

SUSAN: Radio Shack??

SUSAN: Why did you just hug me?…..you never hug me

PHONE CALL: My doctor told me to embrace my mistakes

SUSAN: Do you know what it means…..to come home to a woman…..who gives you a little love and tenderness?

PHONE CALL: Yeah,…..it means I’m in the wrong house

SUSAN: Do you ever get a shooting pain…..across your body…..like someone got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?

PHONE CALL: No

SUSAN: How about now?

PHONE CALL: Are we going out?

SUSAN: I don’t know…..what do you want to do…..until we fall asleep on the couch?

SUSAN: Did you drink the last beer in the fridge?

PHONE CALL: No, I drank it in the living room

SUSAN: My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation

PHONE CALL: You must be worried shitless

SUSAN: I’m sick of it…..you never take out the trash

PHONE CALL: Where do you want to go?

PHONE CALL: Hey,….I don’t think this is going to work….I’m breaking up with you

SUSAN: Whatever…..you’ll never find someone like me

PHONE CALL: That’s the point