GRANDMA: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
GRANDSON: (Sigh)….ok Grandma….fine, then right click on the hamster
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: A hacker got into my bank account and left a note
BRO: Really?…..what did it say?
CUZ: Please save more money…..this was a complete waste of my time
BRO: What was that noise?
CUZ: My shirt fell
BRO: It sounded louder than that
CUZ: I was in it
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BOSS: You’ve got to stop acting like you’re just here to get paid and go home
BUBBA: I can assure you…..I’m not acting
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: Mom, I just read that scientists say they can recreate…..living dinosaurs within the next 5 years
MOM: There are literally 4 movies showing why this is a bad idea
MOM: Soon you’ll be graduating from your crappy school you love so much in a few years
DAUGHTER: Not soon enough
MOM: I think the student with the worst grades should also give a graduation speech
DAUGHTER: Why?
MOM: I’d love to hear both sides
MOM: We’re buying a goat
DAD: Ah, why?
MOM: Have you seen how much cheese costs?
DAD: Sure, and you need to be able to afford a Lamborghini…..to have an omelet for breakfast….so let’s get some chickens while we’re at it
MOM: Great idea….we could get a coop to keep them in
DAD: And where are we going to keep them?
MOM: Tell me again…..when are the kids leaving for college?
SON: Dad, what did you play on your iPad as a kid?
DAD: I used to talk into a fan to sound like a robot
(Male classmate:)……You smell good….what you wearing?
DAUGHTER: Some leave me the fa-cològne
DAD: I’ve been reading that being a woman….means whispering WTF to yourself daily
MOM: Ok…first of all…..I didn’t know we were supposed to whisper it
MOM: If I died in a foreign country…..let’s say in Jerusalem…..and it cost $30,000 dollars to ship me home….or $500 to bury me there….which would you choose?
DAD: I’d pay $30,000 to ship you home
MOM: Awwww…..really?….why would you pay the $30,000 instead of the $500?
DAD: Well, about 2,000 years ago….a man died in Jerusalem….and then three days later he rose from the dead….I can’t take that chance
MOM: SERIOUSLY?????
MOM: Whoa…..what kind of a day did you have?…..what’s with the face?
SON: You know what….I’m just gonna say it
MOM: Say what?
SON: Sharks just aren’t eating enough people
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
DAD: Hey….where you been all day?
SON: Somewhere between giving up….and seeing how much more I can handle
DAD: Welcome to the real-world son
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in a bar): You know, for a woman you’re very opinionated
AMY: And for a man….you’re kind of ignorant
TEXT: What’s wrong with Robert’s phone?
AMY: He’s in jail
TEXT: GTF outta here
AMY: Yup….he got caught banging some chick behind a dumpster
TEXT: WTF???
AMY: Some methed-up hooker
TEXT: Bullshittin
AMY: Yeah…I have no idea who Robert is….you have the wrong number
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: You know what things I hated as a child?
PHONE CALL: Nope
SUSAN: Getting spanked and taking a nap
PHONE CALL: So, what things do you love as an adult?
SUSAN: Getting spanked and taking a nap
SUSAN: Question
PHONE CALL: Oh, what now?
SUSAN: If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law…..and your wife at the same time….who will you save?
PHONE CALL: The tiger of course….very few are left now
SUSAN: I just found out my phone has an app….that shows me what I look like as an old woman
PHONE CALL: Yeah, it’s called a camera
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: Last night I had a horrifying dream
THERAPIST: Really?….what was it?
PATIENT: I dreamt Disco was actually making a comeback
THERAPIST: Wow
PATIENT: I know….at first I was afraid….I was petrified
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: What’s up?
SISTA: I wish I was rich
SIS: You know they say money doesn’t bring you happiness
SISTA: Neither does being broke
SISTA: Just so you know….I have one of those emergency seatbelt cutters in my car…..just in case we get into an accident and need it
SIS: So why do you keep it in the trunk?
SIS: Why did you have two Bloody Mary’s for breakfast?
SISTA: Because eggs are expensive
SISTA: Welp, just got the electricity bill
SIS: How bad
SISTA: I think we got charged for sunlight, the moonlight, the street light, the light of my life, the speed of light…..and the light at the end of the tunnel