March 21, 2024

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817

GRANDMA: Back in my day…..we weren’t so easily offended

GRANDSON: Grandma…..back in your day…..people would lose their minds….if a Black person used the same drinking fountain as you

GRANDSON: Looks like the old man might lose the election

GRANDMA: What old man?

GRANDSON: Old man Biden

GRANDMA: Old man?…..listen, that “old man” ain’t perfect…..but you know what he won’t do….but that orange guy will?

GRANDSON: No idea

GRANDMA: That “old man”….won’t raise the retirement age….won’t prevent you from staying on your parents health insurance until 26….won’t allow health insurance companies to deny coverage to folks with pre-existing conditions…..interfere with your reproductive healthcare….and most important…..this “old man”…..won’t end IVF.

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307

SUSAN: I walked into a room full of men…..and they couldn’t stop staring at me

PHONE CALL: That’s because you walked into the men’s bathroom

SUSAN: You never listen to me….you only hear what you want to hear

PHONE CALL: Sure, I’ll have a beer

PHONE CALL: Drinking makes you beautiful

SUSAN: I haven’t been drinking

PHONE CALL: But I have

SUSAN: My thoughts are more important

PHONE CALL: If I gave you a penny for your thoughts….I’d get change

PHONE CALL: I think you’re right

SUSAN: I didn’t say anything yet

PHONE CALL: I’m just trying to save time

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555

SISTA: I asked my hair stylist to make me look beautiful

SIS: What did she do?

SISTA: She started drinking

SIS: Hey, guess what?

SISTA: (Oh God, it’s too early for this)…..What?

SIS: Did you know….there’s “Hell” in hello….. “Good” in goodbye…… “Lie” in believe….. “Over” in lover…. “End” in friend…. “Ex” in next and “If” in life?

SISTA: And there’s “Fun”….in funeral

SISTA: I think I lost a friend on Facebook

SIS: Why, what happened?

SISTA: I still don’t know what you’re supposed to comment under the photo of a new baby…..but I’ve learned it isn’t “Yikes!”

SIS: Have you ever been to jail?

SISTA: No

SIS: Not even for your cooking?

SISTA: My cooking is not that bad

SIS: I once left dental floss in the kitchen….and the roaches hung themselves

SIS: Am I fat?

SISTA: I know five fat people….and you’re four of them

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719

SON: Dad, what do you know about atoms?

DAD: Very little

SON: Besides that?

SON: Dad, where is the capitol of the United States?

DAD: In offshore bank accounts of the 1%

DAD: I have to admit I’ve made a lot of mistakes son

SON: It’s ok dad….you have to learn to embrace your mistakes…..wait, why are you embracing me?

DAD: “I HATE THIS TRAFFIC”

SON: All you have to do….is calm down and let the cars go

DAD: Oh what?….now I have a therapist?

SON: What’s your favorite childhood memory?

DAD: Not paying bills

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……

MOM: Go back to bed…..school was cancelled because of hazardous road conditions

DAUGHTER: Then why are you leaving?

MOM: Work doesn’t care if I die

DAD: Now what’s wrong with you?

MOM: Your daughter had the nerve to text me…. “I’m hungry”….from a $1,200 phone

DAD: What did you say to her?

MOM: I said you better flip that phone over and eat the apple on the back

DAUGHTER: Mom?

MOM: Yes dear?

DAUGHTER: If you didn’t have wine….would you die?

MOM: I wouldn’t die if I didn’t have wine….you might though

DAUGHTER: Do I have to fall in love someday?

MOM: No, not really

DAUGHTER: Good…..I have stuff to do

MOM (Singing): You are my sunshine….my only sunshine

DAUGHTER: I hate that song

MOM: Why?….I used to sing it when you were in my stomach before you were born

DAUGHTER: I hated it then too

DAUGHTER: Mom?

MOM (Sipping on her martini): Yes dear

DAUGHTER: What’s the difference….between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

MOM: No idea

DAUGHTER: The people in Dubai….don’t like the Flintstones….but the people in Abu Dhabi do

MOM (Talking to herself): I wonder if the judge….will let me plead insanity

DAUGHTER: Don’t forget the clocks go back this weekend

MOM: Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries

DAUGHTER: Mom….you will not believe what I read on the internet

MOM: (Sipping her martini)…..and what would that be dear?

DAUGHTER: A televangelist from Arkansas claims Satan is engineering Taylor Swift’s marriage to Travis Kelce….so she can give birth to the antichrist and launch the apocalyptic thousand-year war against Christ

MOM: Jesus….must she do everything….and a world tour?

DAUGHTER: I ran into your sister

MOM: Which nut this time?

DAUGHTER: The door knocker

MOM: Oh, you met miss Jehovah….did she give you a pamphlet?…..where am I going now?

DAUGHTER: To hell apparently….she wanted me to tell you….that Jesus reads your tweet

MOM: How can he read my tweets…..but missed 400 years of slavery?

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410

POLICE: Step out of the vehicle

CUZ: You get in….it’s cold

BRO: Why are you staring at the orange juice carton?

CUZ: Because it says concentrate

CUZ: If you could have sex with one celebrity…..dead or alive….which would it be?

BRO: Alive

CUZ: I think I want to stay single

BRO: Like you have a choice

CUZ: I broke up with a girl once…..because she wouldn’t stop counting

BRO: Really?

CUZ: Yeah….I wonder what she’s up to now?

CUZ: How do I set the washing machine?

BRO: What are you washing?

CUZ: A T-shirt

BRO: Well, what does it say on the T-shirt?

CUZ: Pink Floyd

CUZ: Restaurant toilets are so dangerous

BRO: Why’s that?

CUZ: Because so many of my first dates have gone to use them…..and just vanished

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B

JUDGE: I thought I said I never wanted to see you in my court again

BUBBA: That’s what I kept telling the arresting officer….but he wouldn’t listen

JUDGE: You’re being accused of not paying a psychic for her services….how do you plea?

BUBBA: Not guilty your honor….as a psychic she should have known I was not going to pay her

VISITOR: How old is that Tyrannosaurus?

BUBBA: It’s 70,000,006-year-old

VISITOR: Wow….how can you be so precise?

BUBBA: They told me it was 70,000,006-years-old….when I started working here

BUBBA: I trained my dog to fetch me a beer….it may not sound too impressive….but he gets them from the neighbor’s fridge

(Knock on the door:)…..Who is it

POLICE: Open up….it’s the police

BUBBA: Prove it

POLICE: How???

BUBBA: Sing Roxanne 

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