GRANDMA: Back in my day…..we weren’t so easily offended
GRANDSON: Grandma…..back in your day…..people would lose their minds….if a Black person used the same drinking fountain as you
GRANDSON: Looks like the old man might lose the election
GRANDMA: What old man?
GRANDSON: Old man Biden
GRANDMA: Old man?…..listen, that “old man” ain’t perfect…..but you know what he won’t do….but that orange guy will?
GRANDSON: No idea
GRANDMA: That “old man”….won’t raise the retirement age….won’t prevent you from staying on your parents health insurance until 26….won’t allow health insurance companies to deny coverage to folks with pre-existing conditions…..interfere with your reproductive healthcare….and most important…..this “old man”…..won’t end IVF.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: I walked into a room full of men…..and they couldn’t stop staring at me
PHONE CALL: That’s because you walked into the men’s bathroom
SUSAN: You never listen to me….you only hear what you want to hear
PHONE CALL: Sure, I’ll have a beer
PHONE CALL: Drinking makes you beautiful
SUSAN: I haven’t been drinking
PHONE CALL: But I have
SUSAN: My thoughts are more important
PHONE CALL: If I gave you a penny for your thoughts….I’d get change
PHONE CALL: I think you’re right
SUSAN: I didn’t say anything yet
PHONE CALL: I’m just trying to save time
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: I asked my hair stylist to make me look beautiful
SIS: What did she do?
SISTA: She started drinking
SIS: Hey, guess what?
SISTA: (Oh God, it’s too early for this)…..What?
SIS: Did you know….there’s “Hell” in hello….. “Good” in goodbye…… “Lie” in believe….. “Over” in lover…. “End” in friend…. “Ex” in next and “If” in life?
SISTA: And there’s “Fun”….in funeral
SISTA: I think I lost a friend on Facebook
SIS: Why, what happened?
SISTA: I still don’t know what you’re supposed to comment under the photo of a new baby…..but I’ve learned it isn’t “Yikes!”
SIS: Have you ever been to jail?
SISTA: No
SIS: Not even for your cooking?
SISTA: My cooking is not that bad
SIS: I once left dental floss in the kitchen….and the roaches hung themselves
SIS: Am I fat?
SISTA: I know five fat people….and you’re four of them
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: Dad, what do you know about atoms?
DAD: Very little
SON: Besides that?
SON: Dad, where is the capitol of the United States?
DAD: In offshore bank accounts of the 1%
DAD: I have to admit I’ve made a lot of mistakes son
SON: It’s ok dad….you have to learn to embrace your mistakes…..wait, why are you embracing me?
DAD: “I HATE THIS TRAFFIC”
SON: All you have to do….is calm down and let the cars go
DAD: Oh what?….now I have a therapist?
SON: What’s your favorite childhood memory?
DAD: Not paying bills
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: Go back to bed…..school was cancelled because of hazardous road conditions
DAUGHTER: Then why are you leaving?
MOM: Work doesn’t care if I die
DAD: Now what’s wrong with you?
MOM: Your daughter had the nerve to text me…. “I’m hungry”….from a $1,200 phone
DAD: What did you say to her?
MOM: I said you better flip that phone over and eat the apple on the back
DAUGHTER: Mom?
MOM: Yes dear?
DAUGHTER: If you didn’t have wine….would you die?
MOM: I wouldn’t die if I didn’t have wine….you might though
DAUGHTER: Do I have to fall in love someday?
MOM: No, not really
DAUGHTER: Good…..I have stuff to do
MOM (Singing): You are my sunshine….my only sunshine
DAUGHTER: I hate that song
MOM: Why?….I used to sing it when you were in my stomach before you were born
DAUGHTER: I hated it then too
DAUGHTER: Mom?
MOM (Sipping on her martini): Yes dear
DAUGHTER: What’s the difference….between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
MOM: No idea
DAUGHTER: The people in Dubai….don’t like the Flintstones….but the people in Abu Dhabi do
MOM (Talking to herself): I wonder if the judge….will let me plead insanity
DAUGHTER: Don’t forget the clocks go back this weekend
MOM: Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries
DAUGHTER: Mom….you will not believe what I read on the internet
MOM: (Sipping her martini)…..and what would that be dear?
DAUGHTER: A televangelist from Arkansas claims Satan is engineering Taylor Swift’s marriage to Travis Kelce….so she can give birth to the antichrist and launch the apocalyptic thousand-year war against Christ
MOM: Jesus….must she do everything….and a world tour?
DAUGHTER: I ran into your sister
MOM: Which nut this time?
DAUGHTER: The door knocker
MOM: Oh, you met miss Jehovah….did she give you a pamphlet?…..where am I going now?
DAUGHTER: To hell apparently….she wanted me to tell you….that Jesus reads your tweet
MOM: How can he read my tweets…..but missed 400 years of slavery?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
POLICE: Step out of the vehicle
CUZ: You get in….it’s cold
BRO: Why are you staring at the orange juice carton?
CUZ: Because it says concentrate
CUZ: If you could have sex with one celebrity…..dead or alive….which would it be?
BRO: Alive
CUZ: I think I want to stay single
BRO: Like you have a choice
CUZ: I broke up with a girl once…..because she wouldn’t stop counting
BRO: Really?
CUZ: Yeah….I wonder what she’s up to now?
CUZ: How do I set the washing machine?
BRO: What are you washing?
CUZ: A T-shirt
BRO: Well, what does it say on the T-shirt?
CUZ: Pink Floyd
CUZ: Restaurant toilets are so dangerous
BRO: Why’s that?
CUZ: Because so many of my first dates have gone to use them…..and just vanished
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
JUDGE: I thought I said I never wanted to see you in my court again
BUBBA: That’s what I kept telling the arresting officer….but he wouldn’t listen
JUDGE: You’re being accused of not paying a psychic for her services….how do you plea?
BUBBA: Not guilty your honor….as a psychic she should have known I was not going to pay her
VISITOR: How old is that Tyrannosaurus?
BUBBA: It’s 70,000,006-year-old
VISITOR: Wow….how can you be so precise?
BUBBA: They told me it was 70,000,006-years-old….when I started working here
BUBBA: I trained my dog to fetch me a beer….it may not sound too impressive….but he gets them from the neighbor’s fridge
(Knock on the door:)…..Who is it
POLICE: Open up….it’s the police
BUBBA: Prove it
POLICE: How???
BUBBA: Sing Roxanne