November 23, 2023

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817

GRANDSON: I need relationship advice

GRANDMA: Brake up

GRANDSON: At least listen to me first

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555

SIS: Now what’s your problem?

SISTA: I’m worried my HR rep at work…..wants me to sign up for the company 401k                                                                                                                                 

SIS: Well, that’s a good thing right?

SISTA: There’s no way in hell….I can run that far

SISTA: Guess what?

SIS: With the way you live your life….I have no idea

TEXT: I love you

SISTA: Sorry…..I have a boyfriend

TEXT: You deserve two

SISTA: I have seven

SISTA: Do you have any wine?

SIS: Not an open bottle

SISTA: Can I open one?

SIS: It’s one in the afternoon

SISTA: It’s the weekend…..there’s no wrong time to drink on the weekend

TEXT: I really love you….I’ll be anything you want me to be

SISTA: Ok…..can you be quiet?

SIS; Can I sleep with you…..I’m scared

SISTA: Nope…..I can’t risk the monster following you into my room…..and killing me

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719

SON: Urrrrrgh!

DAD: What now?

SON: I hate when the computer asks….. “Are you a robot?”

DAD: Why…..maybe he just wants to find his family

SON: Really….?

SON: Dad I like a girl…..how should I approach her?

DAD: First…..find out what does she like…..get her that…..it should make a good impression

SON: She likes another guy….

DAD: I’m I a bad father Daniel?

SON: Dean….my name is Dean

SON: Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards?

DAD: If they fell forward they’d still be in the freakin’ boat

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307

SUSAN: You said I was the girl of your dreams

PHONE CALL: Yeah,….but then I woke up

SUSAN: Our new neighbors are so in love…..he kisses her….strokes her hair….and hugs her….why don’t you do that?

PHONE CALL: Because I don’t know her that well yet

SUSAN: When we make love…..I need protection

PHONE CALL: Great….I bought you a football helmet…..so you don’t hit the headboard

PHONE CALL: Honey, are you mad at me?

SUSAN: Yes

PHONE CALL: What’s the matter?

SUSAN: Matter is a substance that has inertia…..and occupies physical space

SUSAN: Am I pretty or ugly?

PHONE CALL: You’re both

SUSAN: What do you mean?

PHONE CALL: You’re pretty ugly

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……

DAUGHTER: Mom…..

MOM: Yes my love?

DAUGHTER: I have a Halloween joke for you

MOM: Ok….

DAUGHTER: How many witches…..does it take to change a light bulb?

MOM: Into what?

DAUGHTER: You know…….sometimes……!

DAUGHTER: Mom?

MOM: Yes dear?

DAUGHTER: Question…..what starts with a W…..and ends with a T?

MOM: Yes, it does.

DAUGHTER (text): Did you forget we were supposed to meet and go jogging together?

MOM: Oh crap….I forgot I need to curl up on the sofa…..and scroll my phone for 6 hours….can we reschedule?

MOM: That’s it I’m done

DAUGHTER: What now?

MOM: We need a 3-day weekend

DAUGHTER: Huh?

MOM: 1 for errands…..1 for social activities….and 1 for staying in bed….like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B

(Catholic Nun): Why use Google…..when Jesus has all the answers?

BUBBA: I’m not gonna ask Jesus….where to find midget porn

BUBBA (Knocking on neighbor’s door): Hi, is that a clarinet you’re playing?

NEIGHBOR: My son is playing it

BUBBA: Well he’s terrible….do you know how long the torture will be going on for?

NEIGHBOR: You’re very rude….he’s 9-years-old and trying to learn

BUBBA: I’m 27-years-old and I don’t really give a damn

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410

CUZ: Hey look……there’s a flock of elephants

BRO: Herd

CUZ: Herd of what?

BRO: Herd of elephants

CUZ: Yes of course I have….there’s a flock of them over there

CUZ: Am I lonely or bored?

BRO: Let’s just eat until we figure it out

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344

INTERVIEWER: What are your biggest weaknesses?

AMY: Tall men who need therapy

AMY: Finally I selected a list of song to play in my car…..now I just need to buy a car

TEXT: Seeing you with another guy breaks my heart

AMY: Then close your eyes

(Guy in a bar): I like you

AMY: You’ll stop soon…..don’t worry

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