GRANDSON: I need relationship advice
GRANDMA: Brake up
GRANDSON: At least listen to me first
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: Now what’s your problem?
SISTA: I’m worried my HR rep at work…..wants me to sign up for the company 401k
SIS: Well, that’s a good thing right?
SISTA: There’s no way in hell….I can run that far
SISTA: Guess what?
SIS: With the way you live your life….I have no idea
TEXT: I love you
SISTA: Sorry…..I have a boyfriend
TEXT: You deserve two
SISTA: I have seven
SISTA: Do you have any wine?
SIS: Not an open bottle
SISTA: Can I open one?
SIS: It’s one in the afternoon
SISTA: It’s the weekend…..there’s no wrong time to drink on the weekend
TEXT: I really love you….I’ll be anything you want me to be
SISTA: Ok…..can you be quiet?
SIS; Can I sleep with you…..I’m scared
SISTA: Nope…..I can’t risk the monster following you into my room…..and killing me
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: Urrrrrgh!
DAD: What now?
SON: I hate when the computer asks….. “Are you a robot?”
DAD: Why…..maybe he just wants to find his family
SON: Really….?
SON: Dad I like a girl…..how should I approach her?
DAD: First…..find out what does she like…..get her that…..it should make a good impression
SON: She likes another guy….
DAD: I’m I a bad father Daniel?
SON: Dean….my name is Dean
SON: Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards?
DAD: If they fell forward they’d still be in the freakin’ boat
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: You said I was the girl of your dreams
PHONE CALL: Yeah,….but then I woke up
SUSAN: Our new neighbors are so in love…..he kisses her….strokes her hair….and hugs her….why don’t you do that?
PHONE CALL: Because I don’t know her that well yet
SUSAN: When we make love…..I need protection
PHONE CALL: Great….I bought you a football helmet…..so you don’t hit the headboard
PHONE CALL: Honey, are you mad at me?
SUSAN: Yes
PHONE CALL: What’s the matter?
SUSAN: Matter is a substance that has inertia…..and occupies physical space
SUSAN: Am I pretty or ugly?
PHONE CALL: You’re both
SUSAN: What do you mean?
PHONE CALL: You’re pretty ugly
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: Mom…..
MOM: Yes my love?
DAUGHTER: I have a Halloween joke for you
MOM: Ok….
DAUGHTER: How many witches…..does it take to change a light bulb?
MOM: Into what?
DAUGHTER: You know…….sometimes……!
DAUGHTER: Mom?
MOM: Yes dear?
DAUGHTER: Question…..what starts with a W…..and ends with a T?
MOM: Yes, it does.
DAUGHTER (text): Did you forget we were supposed to meet and go jogging together?
MOM: Oh crap….I forgot I need to curl up on the sofa…..and scroll my phone for 6 hours….can we reschedule?
MOM: That’s it I’m done
DAUGHTER: What now?
MOM: We need a 3-day weekend
DAUGHTER: Huh?
MOM: 1 for errands…..1 for social activities….and 1 for staying in bed….like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
(Catholic Nun): Why use Google…..when Jesus has all the answers?
BUBBA: I’m not gonna ask Jesus….where to find midget porn
BUBBA (Knocking on neighbor’s door): Hi, is that a clarinet you’re playing?
NEIGHBOR: My son is playing it
BUBBA: Well he’s terrible….do you know how long the torture will be going on for?
NEIGHBOR: You’re very rude….he’s 9-years-old and trying to learn
BUBBA: I’m 27-years-old and I don’t really give a damn
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: Hey look……there’s a flock of elephants
BRO: Herd
CUZ: Herd of what?
BRO: Herd of elephants
CUZ: Yes of course I have….there’s a flock of them over there
CUZ: Am I lonely or bored?
BRO: Let’s just eat until we figure it out
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
INTERVIEWER: What are your biggest weaknesses?
AMY: Tall men who need therapy
AMY: Finally I selected a list of song to play in my car…..now I just need to buy a car
TEXT: Seeing you with another guy breaks my heart
AMY: Then close your eyes
(Guy in a bar): I like you
AMY: You’ll stop soon…..don’t worry