September 15, 2023

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817

GRANDSON: Grandma, we’re at a barbecue…..why are you looking at everyone and laughing?

GRANDMA: Because everyone here is alive…..because I got laid

GRANDSON: We’re expecting a cold winter….the squirrels are collecting nuts

GRANDMA: So far 3 of your relatives have disappeared

GANDSON: If you can make a woman laugh….you’re almost there

GRANDMA: If you’re almost there…..and then she laughs….that’s a different story

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555

SIS: Oh great…..you did the laundry

SISTA: Uh huh…..

SIS: So why are you standing there…..and staring into the dryer?

SISTA: Because I just realized….the divorce rate among my socks…..is astonishing

SIS: Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

SISTA: Cause Ken came in another box

SIS: I’m not a complete idiot you know

SISTA: I know….some parts are missing

SIS: What do you mean….by coming home half-drunk

SISTA: I ran out of money

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B

BUBBA: Never confuse a colostomy bag…..with a whoopee cushion…..I totally ruined Grandma’s….90th birthday party

BUBBA: It’s another hot day…..so I took off all my clothes….and opened every window….I feel so much better….although the other people on the bus….don’t seem so pleased

COP: You didn’t see the red light?

BUBBA: I saw it

COP: Then why didn’t you stop?

BUBBA: I didn’t see you

BUBBA: I bought a 12-year-old whiskey…..his mom was furious

BUBBA: I hope the guy who invented autocorrect…..burns in hello

BUBBA: I didn’t go to high school…..I went to school high

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344

AMY: I just overheard a girl order a margarita…..after being told Diet Coke wasn’t available….it’s similar to how I make most of my life decisions

AMY: If someone from Ziplock…..could contact literally anyone in the cereal business…..that would be great

AMY: Every time I try to eat healthy…..along comes summer…..Thanksgiving…..Christmas…..Tuesday or Friday….and it ruins it for me

AMY: Not a single job……asked to see my high school diploma…..so like,….we really did not need that did we?

AMY: Why is it that we cry…..when it’s the onions…..that are getting hurt?

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST…..6th floor office….Rm. 666

THERAPIST: Why do you insist…..on a cup of coffee every morning

PATIENT: I tried going without it once…..my court date is pending

THERAPIST: What happened to your ear?

PATIENT: I was ironing and the phone rang…..and instead of picking up the phone….I picked up the iron and put it to my ear

THERAPIST: Well, what happened to the other ear

PATIENT: They called again

PATIENT: I dreamt I found a lamp and rubbed it

THERAPIST: Really?…what happened?

PATIENT: A genie popped out

THERAPIST: Wow…what did it say?

PATIENT: It said I had 10 wishes

THERAPIST: Normally it’s supposed to be 3

PATIENT: I know….but it said….I got a lot of issues

THERAPIST: Why the sad face?

PATIENT: I was watching porn…..and all of a sudden…..my wife opened the door

THERAPIST: Ok, she caught you…..but is that really such a big deal?

PATIENT: I mean…..she opened the door……in the movie

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……

DAUGHTER: Mom:….what is a “contradiction?”

MOM: Believing that a 12-year-old is mature enough….to give birth…..but needs parental approval…..to check out a library book

DAUGHTER: Are we there yet?

MOM: Just minutes away

DAUGHTER: Technically, we’re always minutes away from everything….we’re minutes away from death right now

MOM: Yes you are…..if you keep getting on my damn nerves

BROTHER: Look, I’m growing a mustache

DAUGHTER: Mom’s mustache is way better than yours

MOM: (Talking to her husband)…..Honey,…..how many years do you get…..for premeditated murder again?

MOM: What are you doing?

DAUGHTER: I’m just talking to the air…..wait….what?…..mom where are you going?

MOM: I’m moving and leaving your ass behind….I’ve seen this moving before

TEXTING (Her husband): Our daughter came home from school…..poured some skittles into a wine glass….and flung herself on the couch…..so I’m guessing she and a rough day

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m cooking steaks tonight

DAD: Oh really?

DAUGHTER: yeah,…..so how do you want your steak?

DAD: Like winning an argument with your mother

DAUGHTER: Rare it is

MOM: What’s wrong with you?

DAUGHTER: I’m exhausted….I was baby-sitting for a friend last night….and I was up until 4am with the baby

MOM: It’s probably not a good idea….to keep the baby up so late

MOM: You’re Biology teacher called me….and she sounded pissed

DAUGHTER: I’m not surprised

MOM: What happened

DAUGHTER: We were talking about human evolution…..and she said we all came from monkey’s…..and I said that’s bullshit

MOM: Why???

DAUGHTER: Because I said….if we came from monkey’s….why are there still monkey’s?

DAUGHTER: Why are vampires always wealthy in movies?……like how do they make a living?

MOM: If you’ve been alive since 1892 and still broke……just step into the sun

MOM: Why are you smiling?

DAUGHTER: I got a PS5 for my little brother….best trade I ever did

MOM: Oh, that nice…..wait…..WHAT?????

DAUGHTER: I am so exhausted

MOM: You have taken a total of…..9 steps today

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410

CUZ: I ran over a pig…..and it’s still stuck under the car

BRO: Wait till it dies…and then bury it

CUZ: (20 minutes later)…..I did that….now what should I do….with his speed camera and the motorcycle?

BRO: You working tonight?

CUZ: I’m off today and tomorrow

BRO: You wanna see Spider Man later?

CUZ: Like in the theatre?

BRO: No, we’re gonna walk the streets of NY…..and hope to catch him on a rooftop

BRO: How is Ruth?

CUZ: Oh no….we split up

BRO: Oh no….so you’re ruthless?

CUZ: How long have you been waiting to crack that one?

BRO: I’d rather not say

CUZ: Are you listening to me?

BRO: Yeah, I’m listening….it just takes me a minute….to process so much stupidity all at once

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307

SUSAN: This morning you said I was hot….strong and made the world a better place

PHONE CALL: You overheard me talking to my coffee

SUSAN: I’m just popping in here…..to try on some shoes…..what are you going to do?

PHONE CALL: Pop off to Spain for a week

SUSAN: Farting cows are destroying the planet

PHONE CALL: Then stop farting

SUSAN: The car will not drive

PHONE CALL: When I’m not with you…..you have to sit on the other side

SUSAN: If you really want to know what women want…..why don’t you ask Alexa?

PHONE CALL: I did….the damn thing wouldn’t shut up for a week

SUSAN: I was not an ugly baby

PHONE CALL: You were so ugly….your mother breast fed you……with a straw

PHONE CALL: You ever have five guys?

SUSAN: You mean all at once?

PHONE CALL: I was talking about the food place

SUSAN: You’re driving me to my grave

PHONE CALL: Ok….I’ll get the car

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