GRANDSON: Grandma, we’re at a barbecue…..why are you looking at everyone and laughing?
GRANDMA: Because everyone here is alive…..because I got laid
GRANDSON: We’re expecting a cold winter….the squirrels are collecting nuts
GRANDMA: So far 3 of your relatives have disappeared
GANDSON: If you can make a woman laugh….you’re almost there
GRANDMA: If you’re almost there…..and then she laughs….that’s a different story
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: Oh great…..you did the laundry
SISTA: Uh huh…..
SIS: So why are you standing there…..and staring into the dryer?
SISTA: Because I just realized….the divorce rate among my socks…..is astonishing
SIS: Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
SISTA: Cause Ken came in another box
SIS: I’m not a complete idiot you know
SISTA: I know….some parts are missing
SIS: What do you mean….by coming home half-drunk
SISTA: I ran out of money
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BUBBA: Never confuse a colostomy bag…..with a whoopee cushion…..I totally ruined Grandma’s….90th birthday party
BUBBA: It’s another hot day…..so I took off all my clothes….and opened every window….I feel so much better….although the other people on the bus….don’t seem so pleased
COP: You didn’t see the red light?
BUBBA: I saw it
COP: Then why didn’t you stop?
BUBBA: I didn’t see you
BUBBA: I bought a 12-year-old whiskey…..his mom was furious
BUBBA: I hope the guy who invented autocorrect…..burns in hello
BUBBA: I didn’t go to high school…..I went to school high
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
AMY: I just overheard a girl order a margarita…..after being told Diet Coke wasn’t available….it’s similar to how I make most of my life decisions
AMY: If someone from Ziplock…..could contact literally anyone in the cereal business…..that would be great
AMY: Every time I try to eat healthy…..along comes summer…..Thanksgiving…..Christmas…..Tuesday or Friday….and it ruins it for me
AMY: Not a single job……asked to see my high school diploma…..so like,….we really did not need that did we?
AMY: Why is it that we cry…..when it’s the onions…..that are getting hurt?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST…..6th floor office….Rm. 666
THERAPIST: Why do you insist…..on a cup of coffee every morning
PATIENT: I tried going without it once…..my court date is pending
THERAPIST: What happened to your ear?
PATIENT: I was ironing and the phone rang…..and instead of picking up the phone….I picked up the iron and put it to my ear
THERAPIST: Well, what happened to the other ear
PATIENT: They called again
PATIENT: I dreamt I found a lamp and rubbed it
THERAPIST: Really?…what happened?
PATIENT: A genie popped out
THERAPIST: Wow…what did it say?
PATIENT: It said I had 10 wishes
THERAPIST: Normally it’s supposed to be 3
PATIENT: I know….but it said….I got a lot of issues
THERAPIST: Why the sad face?
PATIENT: I was watching porn…..and all of a sudden…..my wife opened the door
THERAPIST: Ok, she caught you…..but is that really such a big deal?
PATIENT: I mean…..she opened the door……in the movie
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: Mom:….what is a “contradiction?”
MOM: Believing that a 12-year-old is mature enough….to give birth…..but needs parental approval…..to check out a library book
DAUGHTER: Are we there yet?
MOM: Just minutes away
DAUGHTER: Technically, we’re always minutes away from everything….we’re minutes away from death right now
MOM: Yes you are…..if you keep getting on my damn nerves
BROTHER: Look, I’m growing a mustache
DAUGHTER: Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
MOM: (Talking to her husband)…..Honey,…..how many years do you get…..for premeditated murder again?
MOM: What are you doing?
DAUGHTER: I’m just talking to the air…..wait….what?…..mom where are you going?
MOM: I’m moving and leaving your ass behind….I’ve seen this moving before
TEXTING (Her husband): Our daughter came home from school…..poured some skittles into a wine glass….and flung herself on the couch…..so I’m guessing she and a rough day
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m cooking steaks tonight
DAD: Oh really?
DAUGHTER: yeah,…..so how do you want your steak?
DAD: Like winning an argument with your mother
DAUGHTER: Rare it is
MOM: What’s wrong with you?
DAUGHTER: I’m exhausted….I was baby-sitting for a friend last night….and I was up until 4am with the baby
MOM: It’s probably not a good idea….to keep the baby up so late
MOM: You’re Biology teacher called me….and she sounded pissed
DAUGHTER: I’m not surprised
MOM: What happened
DAUGHTER: We were talking about human evolution…..and she said we all came from monkey’s…..and I said that’s bullshit
MOM: Why???
DAUGHTER: Because I said….if we came from monkey’s….why are there still monkey’s?
DAUGHTER: Why are vampires always wealthy in movies?……like how do they make a living?
MOM: If you’ve been alive since 1892 and still broke……just step into the sun
MOM: Why are you smiling?
DAUGHTER: I got a PS5 for my little brother….best trade I ever did
MOM: Oh, that nice…..wait…..WHAT?????
DAUGHTER: I am so exhausted
MOM: You have taken a total of…..9 steps today
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: I ran over a pig…..and it’s still stuck under the car
BRO: Wait till it dies…and then bury it
CUZ: (20 minutes later)…..I did that….now what should I do….with his speed camera and the motorcycle?
BRO: You working tonight?
CUZ: I’m off today and tomorrow
BRO: You wanna see Spider Man later?
CUZ: Like in the theatre?
BRO: No, we’re gonna walk the streets of NY…..and hope to catch him on a rooftop
BRO: How is Ruth?
CUZ: Oh no….we split up
BRO: Oh no….so you’re ruthless?
CUZ: How long have you been waiting to crack that one?
BRO: I’d rather not say
CUZ: Are you listening to me?
BRO: Yeah, I’m listening….it just takes me a minute….to process so much stupidity all at once
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: This morning you said I was hot….strong and made the world a better place
PHONE CALL: You overheard me talking to my coffee
SUSAN: I’m just popping in here…..to try on some shoes…..what are you going to do?
PHONE CALL: Pop off to Spain for a week
SUSAN: Farting cows are destroying the planet
PHONE CALL: Then stop farting
SUSAN: The car will not drive
PHONE CALL: When I’m not with you…..you have to sit on the other side
SUSAN: If you really want to know what women want…..why don’t you ask Alexa?
PHONE CALL: I did….the damn thing wouldn’t shut up for a week
SUSAN: I was not an ugly baby
PHONE CALL: You were so ugly….your mother breast fed you……with a straw
PHONE CALL: You ever have five guys?
SUSAN: You mean all at once?
PHONE CALL: I was talking about the food place
SUSAN: You’re driving me to my grave
PHONE CALL: Ok….I’ll get the car