MOM: Was that a book about Anti-Gravity…..I saw you reading?
DAUGHTER: Yeah….I couldn’t put it down
MOM: Don’t make me slap you
DAUGHTER: Love you too
DAUGHTER: Mom?
MOM: Yes dear
DAUGHTER: If you had $500….and my little brother text you he needs $300….and I text you because I need $250….how much do you have left?
MOM: $500 bucks…..and two unanswered text messages
HUSBAND: You do know our children….will model the behavior they see
MOM: Really??…..because the kids have seen me fold clothes….they don’t fold clothes
DAUGHTER: What’s wrong dad?
DAD: I’m worried your mother might be losing her memory
DAUGHTER: Why?
DAD: This morning she told me…..she can’t remember what she ever saw in me
MOM: This doesn’t make any sense
DAUGHTER: What doesn’t?
MOM: I’m trying this new recipe….and it says…. “add leftover wine”….what the hell is “left over wine?”
DAUGHTER: Mom I need some cash
MOM: Does it look like I’m made of money?
DAUGHTER: M.O.M…..Made of Money
DAUGHTER: Mom….I’m not sure….but I think when that waitress passed us….she called you fat
MOM: “OH HELL NO”….hold my cake!
DAUGHTER: Did you know Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin?
MOM: That’s what you get for inventing calculus
DAUGHTER: Mom….which came first….the chicken or the egg?
MOM: The rooster
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST…..6th floor office….Rm. 666
PATIENT: I bought my ex a chair
THERAPIST: Well, that’s very nice of you
PATIENT: But the state won’t let me plug it in
PATIENT: I went to visit a psychic the other day
THERAPIST: Ok
PATIENT: So, I knocked on her door and she said, “Who is it?”
THERAPIST: Then what happened?
PATIENT: I left
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: If I’m so dumb….how did I finish a jigsaw puzzle in six weeks….when it said….3-5 years on the box?
PHONE CALL: I’m not even going to touch this one
SUSAN: Are you making pancakes?
PHONE CALL: Yeah, I thought I’d surprise you…..are you surprised?
SUSAN: Yes, very surprised….I’ve never seen anyone….use a kitty-litter scooper as a spatula
SUSAN: You do know the relationship between couples is psychological
PHONE CALL: Yeah,….one is psycho…..and the other is logical
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Guy in the bar): Hey, you’re cute…..why don’t we exchange phone numbers?
AMY: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?
(Guy after having sex): Did you come?
AMY: Yes….to the wrong house
(Guy in a bar): Are you seeing anyone?
AMY: Like hallucinations….a therapists….or a guy?
AMY: Apparently, it’s rude to ask the mother….of a kid on a leash….if it was rescued
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
(Co-worker): Good Morning
SISTA: You need to calm the fuck down
SISTA: I went to visit uncle Henry over Christmas weekend…..and I took some presents and a bottle of whiskey
SIS: Oh, that’s so sweet of you
SISTA: I hope he doesn’t notice they’re gone
SIS: Why do guys lick their lips…..before they talk?
SISTA: To marinate their lies
SIS: Panasonic created a fridge that comes when you call it
SISTA: Nope….I do not wanna get high one night…..and see my fridge chasing me
SISTA: I’ve been slowly learning Spanish all day
SIS: Wow….great
SISTA: Yeah, I know….I started with burrito….and now I’m up to tequila…..Olè
SIS: You ever feel like you’re just wasting your life?
SISTA: Only when I wake up
SIS: What are you doing?
SISTA: Just asking myself if I’m crazy….but we said no
SIS: I thought you were going to join me at the gym and do Pilates?
SISTA: Pilates?….I thought you said….pie and lattes
SIS: Aren’t you going to watch the weather report?….they said another storm is heading our way
SISTA: Hell no
SIS: Why not?
SISTA: Because if I see another forecast with salt and ice…..it damn well better be for a margarita
SISTA: I had a call from a telemarketer today….and he couldn’t understand me
SIS: So what happened?
SISTA: I told him to press #1…..for English
SIS: It looks like the problem is….you’re frozen and disconnect from the network
SISTA: I asked you to fix my computer….not look into my soul
SIS: What in the hell are you going to do with all of those blow-up dolls?
SISTA: I’m going to fill them with helium…..release them into the air….and watch people lose their minds….thinking they missed the rapture
SIS: You are seriously ill
SISTA: I love a man in a uniform
SIS: First of all….that’s an inmate