DAUGHTER: Mom….is 4 followers a lot?
MOM: It depends on the context
DAUGHTER: Huh?
MOM: On Instagram…..not at all….in a dark alley….yes….a lot
DAUGHTER: (Mom, laying on the sofa….sleeping)…..Mom, are you sleeping?
MOM: No….I’m training to die
MOM: So,….who’s that new boy I saw you walking with?
DAUGHTER: He’s my new boyfriend….he’s a doctor
MOM: You’re 16…..and you’re new boyfriend is a doctor?
DAUGHTER: Yep
MOM: Well,….your dad is now the coach of an imaginary football team…..for the next four months
MOM: You know…..sometimes you are so rude
DAUGHTER: I’m 16…..this is my personality
DAUGHTER: Any plans for the weekend mom?
MOM: Triathlon
DAUGHTER: Wow…..swim, cycle, run?
MOM: No….book, bath, nap
DAUGHTER: Mom….do you want some Rice Krispies for breakfast?
MOM: Oh hell no
DAUGHTER: Ah….why?
MOM: Because I ate them when I was a kid…..and now when I stand up….I snap, crackle and pop
MOM: Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today?
DAUGHTER: No
MOM: Well…..better luck tomorrow
DAUGHTER: I feel weird today
MOM: What’s wrong
DAUGHTER: Have you ever had an experience….with an evil entity following you?
MOM: Yes….but once they’re potty trained….and get a bit more independent….they tend to settle down
DAUGHTER: We’re in a restaurant….don’t fill up on bread….that’s how they get you
MOM: That’s how that get YOU….I will bankrupt this Olive Garden
MOM: Oh looking what I found in my closet…..and it still fits me after 25 years
DAUGHTER: Mom….it’s a scarf
DAD: Why do you keep buying plants….when you just end up killing them?
MOM: Just to remind you….what I’m capable of
MOM: Why are you so entertained watching other kids play video games on You Tube?
DAUGHTER: Why are you so entertained watching people buy houses on HGTV?
DAD: Wow….a home cooked meal
MOM: Yes darling
DAD: You must be in Facebook jail again
MOM TEXT: Don’t worry….I’m still at the hospital and I’ll see you later
DAUGHTER: OMG…..what’s wrong?
MOM: Did you seriously just forget…..that I’m a nurse?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: Mom called me….so I guess you know why I’m here
SISTA: Ah….to study me….discover my weaknesses….and report back to your alien overlord?
SISTA: Morning
SIS: Why do you always say morning…..instead of good morning?
SISTA: Because if it was a good morning…..I would still be in bed…..and not talking to people
SISTA: I don’t even know what to do with a boyfriend
SIS: What do you mean?
SISTA: Like, how often do you feed it…..do I have to walk it?
TEXT: You were in my dream last night…..and I woke up and had to talk to you
SISTA: Oh lawd…..what was it?
TEXT: We were actually getting back together
SISTA: What a nightmare
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
AMY: So it’s ok…..for a cat to run away…..and hide under the bed…..when visitors come…..but when I do it….it’s rude and antisocial
AMY: I hate it when I’m singing a song…..and the artist gets the words wrong
TEXT: I sent you a message and you didn’t answer back
AMY (Text): Sorry I didn’t answer….I was on Tik Tok watching someone restock their fridge….and put things in clear containers for the past two hours….my bad
STRANGER IN A BAR: So why are you sitting here alone…..and having a drink?
AMY: Technically it’s not drinking alone…..if there’s a bartender
AMY: I often wonder who Pete is….and why we do things for his sake
AMY: I’m proud to announce…..that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list….I have the bucket
TEXT: I want to be more than friends
AMY: You wanna be cousins?
GUY IN A BAR: Don’t be shy….ask me out?
AMY: Ok….get out
TEXT: You told me you were interesting
AMY: No….I said I was into resting
TEXT: You’re pretty
AMY: Thanks
TEXT: I wish there was something between us
AMY: Me too
TEXT: Really?….like what?
AMY: A wall