DAUGHTER: Mom, my school district pulled “To Kill a Mockingbird” from our reading list
MOM: Why??
DAUGHTER: Because they said the book makes people feel uncomfortable
MOM: THAT’S THE POINT OF THE FUCKING BOOK!!!!!
MOM: Hey…..
DAUGHTER: Yeah mom
MOM: Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum
DAUGHTER: I have no idea mom…..why?
MOM: Because he had no Monet…..to buy Degas…..to make the Van Gogh
DAUGHTER: Mom,…..put the martini down.
DAUGHTER: Do you know how farmer’s party?
MOM: No, I don’t
DAUGHTER: They turnip the beets
MOM: You’re an idiot
DAUGHTER: So, how would you explain to a stranger…..the best way to understand life?
MOM: It’s that awkward moment…..between your birth…..and your death
DAUGHTER: I really like Beyoncé
MOM: Whatever floats your boat
DAUGHTER: No…..that’s buoyancy
MOM: What the hell is wrong with you?
DAUGHTER: I was coming home from school…..and I yawned…..and this woman sitting across from me said…… “You’re too young to be tired”
MOM: Really?……what did you do?
DAUGHTER: I looked at her and said…..well Karen,….you’re too old to be alive…..but here we are
MOM: That’s my girl!
DAUGHTER: So, what are you doing this weekend?
MOM: My plan is to move just enough this weekend…..so no one thinks I’m dead
DAUGHTER: COVID cases are popping up again
MOM: Yes, I know dear
DAUGHTER: So how does one tell the difference…..between a fully vaccinated person…..and a not vaccinated person?
MOM: Just ask them…..who won the election
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST…..6th floor office….Rm. 666
PATIENT: My wife told me sex is better during holidays
THERAPIST: Well, that’s a good thing right?
PATIENT: I wasn’t expecting to hear that…..on a postcard she sent me from Greece
THERAPIST: What inspires you to get out of bed every morning?
PATIENT: My bladder mostly
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
PRINCIPAL: Lately, your son has been causing trouble in school
DAD: My son causes trouble at home….do I ever call you?
DAD: Son, you do know it’s important to tell your parents everything right?
SON: When mommy woke up this morning…..she looked 10 year older
DAD: Whatever you do….don’t tell her that
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
WAITER: Comfortable sir?
BUBBA: No….comeforfood
INTERVIEWER: So, why should we hire you?
BUBBA: Because you’re hiring
BUBBA: When I get to work…..the first thing I do is hide…..because a good worker…..is hard to find
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
PHONE CALL: I think we should break up
SUSAN: No!
PHONE CALL: Ok
PHONE CALL: If men didn’t exist….who would protect you?
SUSAN: Protect us from whom?
SUSAN: I made pancakes for breakfast
PHONE CALL: And you tried really hard…..and that’s what’s most important
SUSAN: I don’t care what you say…..people always say I’m very fastidious
PHONE CALL: No,…..they’re saying your fast and hideous
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: What’s the most dangerous game to play?
SISTA: Resting your eyes in the morning…..after shutting off your alarm
TEXT: Hey, you wanna hang out tonight?
SISTA: Sorry, I’m tipsy…..I’ll alcohol you later
SIS: How can I say….. “I hate you” in a nice way?
SISTA: How about…..you are the Monday of my life
SISTA: I just love iced coffee
SIS: Ah, excuse me….that’s a White Russian
SISTA: Oops…..my bad
SIS: What’s wrong with you now?
SISTA: I’m tired of being single
SIS: And?
SISTA: And I’m dressing up and going to court tomorrow…..to see who’s getting a divorce
SIS: When I was leaving work…..across the street….I saw these really cute twin blondes walk into a building
SISTA: You’d think one of them would’ve seen it
SIS: When I was at church today…..the Priest was blessing people with holy water….how is holy water made?
SISTA: You boil the hell out of it
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: I saw a book called….. “How to solve 50% of your problem”…..so I bought two books
BRO: Idiot…..buy one book…..and read it twice
CUZ: I just realize that the word “seven”…..has the word “even” in it
BRO: Well, that’s odd
CUZ: My new girlfriend told me….I’m terrible in bed
BRO: That’s so unfair of her…..to make a judgement in less than a minute
CUZ: The last time I lent you money….you said you would pay me back….at the end of the month
BRO: I didn’t say which month
CUZ: Dude, I have good news and bad news
BRO: Just tell me the good news
CUZ: The airbags in your car work perfectly
CUZ: I’m thinking of doing some home improvements…..any ideas?
BRO: Yeah….how about if you move out?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
AMY: I apologize for sharing posts with swear words….but sometimes…..it’s sofa king funny
AMY: The fact that Hooters hasn’t launched a home delivery service called “Knockers”…..seems like a missed business opportunity to me
AMY: I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words like…… “Let me get a grande iced mocha…..no foam…..quad soy hexagon…..vortex hypothesis…..with steamed ice”
AMY: I find it hard to believe…..that bears made porridge…..and the only thing wrong with it…..was the temperature
WAITER: And how did you find your steak?
AMY: I just looked next to the potatoes…..and there it was
AMY: I accidently wore a red shirt to Target today……and long story short…..I’m covering for Donna this weekend
AMY: Although initially unpopular….Pumpkin went on to become…..the most successful of the Spice Girls
AMY: My biggest fear about becoming a zombie…..is all the walking