DAUGHTER: Mom, why do you wear make-up…..you’re like in your 40’s?
MOM: I wear make-up….so I won’t look like you
TEACHER: You failed the test
DAUGHTER: You failed to educate me
TEACHER: Are you talking back?
DAUGHTER: Yes….that’s how conversations work
MOM: Whew….that felt soooooo…..good….I ran that 5k in 10 minutes…..
DAUGHTER: The world record is 12 minutes
MOM:…..Shut up!
MOM: Our daughter doesn’t want to share her crown
HUSBAND: Give her the back crown…..you’re 45
DAUGHTER: Where do babies actually come from?
MOM: Amazon
DAUGHTER: Why does it take 9 months?
MOM: Shipping…..now go to bed
TEACHER: What comes after a sentence?
DAUGHTER: An appeal
TEACHER: Get out!
DAUGHTER: Ah mom…..you do know you’re invading my personal space
MOM: You came out of my personal space
DAUGHTER: Did you want a daughter or a son?
MOM: I wanted a back rub
DAUGHTER: No matter what…..would you always have my back?
MOM: Let’s just say….if we are ever in a “Don’t laugh” situation….don’t look at me
DAUGHTER: Mom; do you do anything to annoy dad?
MOM: Sure….when I introduce him to someone I always say,….. “I’d like you to meet my first husband”
DAUGHTER; Oh God mom…..what now?
MOM: Your dad gave me a stiffy for our anniversary last night…..unreal
DAUGHTER: A STIFFY!?!?….Ewww…. mom I don’t need to hear about that
MOM : No, a Swiffer…..30 years of marriage for a Swiffer…..what’s a stiffy?
DAUGHTER: Don’t even ask….but it’s better than a Swiffer
MOM: Hey honey….how’s your day?
DAUGHTER: Good…..I’m having the best weed of my life
MOM: Oh, me too…..where did you get yours from?
DAUGHTER: NO NO NO….I meant week….wait, what mom?
MOM: Let’s not tell your dad about this conversation
MOM: What do you want for dinner`
DAUGHTER: I’ll tell you what I want…..what I really really want
MOM: So, tell me what you want…..what you really really want
DAUGHTER: Yes….the best mom ever…..pizza would be awesome….please
DAUGHTER: I realized I still have your debt card in my wallet from Tuesday….when I went shopping….I’m sorry….how have you been buying things`
MOM: I’m using your college savings
DAUGHTER: When I’m older…..I think I’ll join the F.B.I.
MOM: Good idea
DAUGHTER: Why’s that a good idea?
MOM: Because I’m not sure why the F.B.I. is mostly men…..because a women’s ability to find shit is unmatched
MOM: (Text to her daughter)…..I’ve been on the couch since 4:30…..and I don’t plan on moving…..you may need to hunt a squirrel or something for dinner on your way home
MOM: What do you want for dinner?
DAUGHTER: Fried meat with potatoes
MOM: Wrong guess
MOM: So….Yellow or white?
DAUGHTER: I don’t know…..what’s the difference?
MOM: One is yellow…..the other one is white
MOM: Will you hurry up…..you’re going to be late….pay attention
DAUGHTER: Says the woman who woke me up at 6am to get me ready for school…..took me to the bus stop…..and realized it was Saturday.
DAUGHTER: I love you mom…..you’re such a great parent
MOM: You do know I’m watching you…..and letting you eat…..strawberries with ketchup right?
DAUGHTER: What happens after you die?
MOM: Lots of things happen after you die…..they just don’t involve you
DAUGHTER: Oh, I just love this song…..isn’t it great mom?
MOM: If I kept that song for my alarm at 6am….I’d start getting up at 5:30
DAUGHTER: Mom…..did you read about the bear…..that walked into a city hall building in California!
MOM: Well, you can’t put a bear on your state flag…..and then act surprised…..when it shows up for a town hall meeting