DAUGHTER: (Listening to the radio)…..OMG!…..I love this song….. “We built this city……we built this city on sausage rolls”
MOM: What???…..do you even know the words to this song?
DAUGHTER: I don’t have time to Google lyrics…..I sing what I hear
DAUGHTER: If you had to legalize a crime…..what would it be?
MOM: America’s childhood obesity problem…..can easily be solved…..by kids running for their lives to get back home
DAUGHTER: OMG…..I have such a headache…..I researched my symptoms….and Google said I’m gonna die
MOM: Why is Google sending you death threats….for having a headache?
DAUGHTER: Someday, I want to have children
MOM: (sipping on a martini)…..You’re fucking insane
DAUGHTER: I’m sorry mom…..I’m not gonna make it….I have to flake on tomorrow’s plans
MOM: Wait….you’re tired in advance?
MOM: Will you share your ETA…..once you get in the Uber?
DAUGHTER: Why?….Can’t I just text you?
MOM: I’ve literally seen you text “on my way”…..from bed so…..no, you’ve lost that privilege
MOM: I need to buy new pants…..because the other ones are too big now
DAUGHTER: You don’t need new pants…..just eat more cake till the old ones fit again
MOM: You do know…..I could make sure they never find your body right?
DAUGHTER: (Doing the crosswords)…..Mom,…..
MOM: Huh?
DAUGHTER: Fast way to get fat…..8 letters
MOM: Marriage
MOM: Dinner in 20 minutes
DAUGHTER: What’s for dinner?
MOM: Veal and rice…..it looks good
DAUGHTER: Will it poison me?
MOM: Let’s fine out
DAUGHTER: If I die, and the police are involved….you’ll be the first one they question with this attitude
MOM: I’ll risk it
DAUGHTER: Change does not come from a place of comfort
MOM: I find pennies and nickels in the couch all the time….so I don’t know what you’re talking about
DAUGHTER: You always say….I should trust you…..why should I trust you?
MOM: Because I’m an adult
DAUGHTER: So is every murderer ever
DAUGHTER: Mom, why does a man ask for a woman’s hand in marriage?
MOM: Because he’s tired of using his own
MOM: (Text)…..Good morning beautiful…..xoxo….your imaginary boyfriend
DAUGHTER: (Text)…..Thanks mom
DAUGHTER: Mom.….I have something to say…..and please don’t take this the wrong way
MOM: The phrase….. “Don’t take this the wrong way”…..has a 0%…..success rate
DAUGHTER: Grandma said, in her day…..she did 3 times the work you do today
MOM: Shit,….back in grandma’s day….they had cocaine in the soda
(High school reunion)….. “Oh, you look nice…..who dressed you, the Great Depression?”
MOM: You look lovely Helen…..I’m so sorry I couldn’t attend your funeral last year
TEXT: MOM?…..MOM?!?!…..OMG….dad just died…..mom….I’m pregnant…..we got donuts
MOM: I’ll be home in 10 minutes…..if the donuts aren’t there….I will be pissed
DAUGHTER: What’s wrong mom?
MOM: I was thinking about how different things were…..when I was young
DAUGHTER: What do you mean?
MOM: My momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar…..and I’d come back with like,…..5 potatoes….2 loaves of bread….3 bottles of milk….and a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs…..you can’t do that now…..too many security cameras
DAUGHTER: Did you notice I made the bed and fixed the coffee this morning?
MOM: Yes I did…..and did you notice I’ve been doing that….plus everything else for the past 15 years?
DAUGHTER: Yes….but I did a good job, didn’t I?
MOM: How in the hell could this happen?
DAUGHTER: What?
MOM: Years and years of relentless shopping…..and I still don’t have a thing to wear
MOM: The philosopher Plato once said,…. “I am the wisest man alive…..for I know one thing…..and that is that I know nothing”
DAUGHTER: How did he know that?
MOM: His wife told him
DAUGHTER: I can’t believe I was in your belly
MOM: Yep….right there
DAUGHTER: Why did you eat me?
DAUGHTER: Mom, aren’t you going to iron the clothes after they come out of the dryer?
MOM: If I’m not wrinkle-free….why should my clothes be?
DAUGHTER: Come on mom, admit it….I’m a wonderful daughter right?
MOM: Let’s just say….once I became a parent….I finally understood the scene….where Yoda gets so tired of answering Luke’s questions….he just dies
DAUGHTER: Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
MOM: A family restaurant
DAUGHTER: What are you smiling about?
MOM: I just got called “HOT”…..actually the full statement was…. “You’re one big hot mess”….but I’m only focusing ….on the positive today