DAUGHTER: Do you know what my fantasy is when I get older?
MOM: Indulge me please?
DAUGHTER: To have two men at once
MOM: WHAT!???!
DAUGHTER: Yeah, one for cooking and one for cleaning
MOM: Ah ok,…..that’ll work
TEACHER: Always remember….when it comes to expressing your true self….you matter
DAUGHTER: Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light…..then you’re energy
TEACHER: GET OUT!!!
SON: We learned about chickens today in school
MOM (On the sofa with a martini): Really?
SON: Even watched a film about them
MOM: Nice
SON: Yeah, it was because I didn’t know they could say bad curse words
MOM: Really???
SON: Yep….all through the film they kept saying…. “F-CAW-F…..F-CAW-F”
MOM: (Spits her drink)
DAD: There is no parenting book in the world that can prepare you…..for when your 6-year-old decides….it’s time to enter his Axe Body Spray years
MOM: Yeah I know….the whole house smells like a New Jersey casino
MOM: So, how was church service with your dear Auntie
DAUGHTER: Don’t ask
MOM: And what was today’s lesson about?
DAUGHTER: Dude….talk….
MOM: Now, now….
DAUGHTER: Sorry, the Pastor spoke about a Jesus miracle
MOM: Which one?
DAUGHTER: The Jesus miracle of when had brought the loaves of bread and fish and fed the people
MOM: Wow, that must have been a slap in the face….to all the people who brought their own lunch
DAUGHTER: Really mom!??!
(PARENT TEACHERS MEETING)
TEACHER: I am so glad many parents could attend this meeting tonight….I would like…..
(Parent): Excuse me
TEACHER: Yes?
(Parent)….Before you begin, I want you and every parent here tonight know that….I want my kids to learn about A-E-I-O-U…..instead of L-G-B-T-Q
TEACHER: Your child will….
MOM: Ah, excuse me, may I say something?
TEACHER: Why, yes
MOM (Looks at soccer mom): There’s no need to worry Karen….I’m sure my son’s teacher’s curriculum will cover all the letters eventually…..and since you’re so adamant on your child learning the correct letters….tonight, why don’t we start by telling you to S-T-F-U
SON (Whispers): You are such a badass
MOM: Watch your language…..and I love you too
TEACHER: Can someone please tell me the two great kings…..who has brought peace and happiness to people’s lives
DAUGHTER: Smo-king and drin-king
TEACHER: GET OUT!!!
SON: I feel sorry for tall people
DAD: Why’s that?
SON: Because when they are bored….they can’t swing their legs
DAD: Good point
DAD: You look busy
MOM (On the sofa drinking a martini): I’m trying to make an important decision
DAD: Look out world
MOM: I figure….if I wait just a little bit more…..it will be October….and all the dust and cobwebs in the apartment….will become Halloween decorations
DAD: Ah…..you need a re-fill?
MOM: Yep!
MOM: So, are you going to help me clean the apartment today?
DAUGHTER: Not everyone was born to clean
MOM: Oh….really?
DAUGHTER: Yes….personally, I was born to sit back and point out the spots someone else missed
MOM: Girl, if you don’t git yo…..
MOM: The can opener is broken
SON: So, now it’s a can’t opener?
MOM: I cannot believe I had you
DAUGHTER: Mom, how do you know you are getting old?
MOM: When you barely do anything all day….but still need a nap to continue doing barely anything
DAUGHTER: I’m old
MOM: Shut up