DAUGHTER: My boyfriend got his side-chick pregnant…..but we both love each other….should I stay?
MOM: Sure,…..they’ll need a clown….for the kid’s birthday parties
MOM: The road was a little bit icy out today…..be careful when you drive
DAUGHTER: Ok, I will
MOM: YOLO
DAUGHTER: It’s usually not meant as a warning mom
MOM: Don’t forget to unload the dishwasher…..did you finish your homework?…..we have to go to your grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving……dad and I talked…..we are going to buy you a car next month
DAUGHTER: You are???….OMG thank you
MOM: No…..we’re not….I just wanted to make sure you were getting my text
DAUGHTER: That was cruel
MOM: I spent 1.5 hours cleaning this kitchen…..if you mess it up……I WILL CUT YOU….love, Mom
DAUGHTER: What are you talking about mom?…..I’m a good driver…..I got 18 out of 20 on my behind the wheel test
MOM: Yea,……and the last two jumped out of the way
MOM: Look, I’m only saying this once…..you are not allowed to have sex before you’re married
DAUGHTER: Says the woman…..who was holding me in her arms…..when she took her wedding photo…..ok
MOM: (Texting a friend with a newborn baby)….On a flight….I once asked the flight attendant…..to switch my seat because I was sitting next to a screaming baby…..apparently…..you’re not allowed to do that….if it’s your own baby
DAUGHTER: You want me to make dinner?
MOM: Nah, It’s ok honey….I know you’re still tired from doing it back in 2003
DAUGHTER: So how’s the diet going?
MOM: Not good…..I had eggs for breakfast
DAUGHTER: Scrambled?
MOM: Reese’s….
DAUGHTER: I just saw a pic of Caitlyn Jenner….she looks like she’s 22
MOM: Minutes away from dying
MOM: OMG…..WHAT THE HELL????
DAUGHTER: The news said it’s more sanitary….to sneeze into an elbow
MOM: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
DAUGHTER: How come I can’t quit going to school?
MOM: Because it’s against the law….and they would put me in jail my sweet child
DAUGHTER: I’ll come visit you
DAUGHTER: Mom, do you eat your banana…..with or without the shell
MOM: Stay right there…..I’m calling the police
DAUGHTER: I was getting ready for a bath…..and realized my pajamas were on under my clothes all day long
MOM: So, you want to apply for Harvard or Yale?
DAUGHTER: (Text)…..I’m going to beat the shit out of you on Monday
MOM: Umm excuse me?….look who you’re texting
DAUGHTER: OMFG…..I’m sorry mom…..meant to send that to Maddie
MOM: Why do you want to beat up Maddie?….She is such a nice girl…..and you’re grounded for a month by the way
DAUGHTER: Mom, she called me a slut….and that I took after my slutty mom…..and that you’re a slut…..and that her dad said you use to be a Ho…..is that true mom?
MOM: (Calling to her husband)…… “YO!…come here and hold my halo”…..I’m gonna kill the bitch!
MOM: (Text)…..Why aren’t you in class?
DAUGHTER: Why are you texting me and not working?
MOM: I don’t have a D….in work!
MOM: (Texting best friend)…..I’ve been feeling a little moody and run down recently….so I Googled my symptoms to see what I might have…..It’s kids…..I have kids
DAUGHTER: Oh, come on mom…..I’m not a bad cook.
MOM: You use the smoke alarm as a timer
DAUGHTER: Do all fairy tales begin with….. “Once upon a time?”
MOM: No, dear….many of them begin with….. “If I’m elected….I promise….