BOSS: Where were you yesterday?…..there was nobody else to cover your shift
BUBBA: I’m sorry, I was becoming a father yesterday
BOSS: Oh really?….I’m happy for you….boy or girl?
BUBBA: I’ll tell you in nine months
BOSS: You’re fired!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: Just think……
SIS: About what?
SISTA: If the Indians gave the Pilgrims donkey instead of a turkey….we’d all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving
SIS: Put….the bong….down!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: And how was your day?
MOM: I’m beat….some weird guy came in and said he suffered from the “Peek-a-boo” virus
DAUGHTER: What did you do?
MOM: I sent him to I.C.U.
MOM: Hey….what’s ‘cha doing?
DAUGHTER: Thinking
MOM: What are you thinking?
DAUGHTER: I bet the “YMCA” dance is harder to do in Chinese
MOM: Don’t….
DAUGHTER: What?
MOM: Think…..
HUSBAND: That was amazing, can you make that again?
MOM: I combined five recipes…..didn’t measure anything…..substituted half the ingredients….and cooked purely on vibes….so….probably not
BIBLE SISTER: You need to come to church with me…..and know God’s name
MOM: I already know God’s name…it’s Howard
BIBLE SISTER: How do you know God’s name?
MOM: “Our farther who art in heaven…..Howard by thy name”
DAUGHTER: What’s with the dozen donuts?
MOM: They’re for my meeting at work
DAUGHTER: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
MOM: And….?
SON: Where does poo come from?
MOM: To make it simple, you just had breakfast, right?
SON: Yeah…
MOM: Well, the good goes in your mouth, down into your tummy…..our body takes the good stuff it needs out of the food….and then what’s left goes down to your bottom….and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo
SON: And Tigger?
DAD: What’s wrong?
DAUGHTER: I child-proofed the house and yet they still get in
DAD: Are you talking about me and….
DAUGHTER: Yep!
MOM: I finally cleaned out my junk draw
DAUGHTER: And what treasures did you discover?
MOM: If you need a CD to reinstall Windows 95 on your computer, I have one
DAUGHTER: What’s that?
MOM: Oh, you got jokes huh?
DAUGHTER: Dad…..what really is the difference between men and women
DAD: Well, one big difference between men and women is…..
MOM: (On the sofa with a martini)…..If a woman says, “Smell this”….it usually smells nice
DAUGHTER: Hey, don’t look at me….you said “I duh.”
SON: I bet it’s possible that if every human held hands…..we could circle the Earth
DAUGHTER: If the human population held hands around the equator….a significant portion of them would drown
MOM (on the sofa with a martini)…..Guess what Beethoven’s favorite fruit was?
DAD: Not a clue
MOM: Ba-na-na-na
DAD: And how many have you had so far?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: I have a new pen that can write underwater
BRO: Can it write any other words?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: People are always telling me to….. “Just listen to the voice in your head” when someone pisses me off
THERAPIST: And do you?
PATIENT: No….that mf wants me to choke people