CO-WORKER: Excuse me…..but are you drinking on the job
BUBBA: It’s not drinking on the job….if you weren’t planning on doing any work
BOSS: Why are you late?
BUBBA: I was drinking last night….and set my calculator for $5.30
TRAFFIC STOP: Any drugs or alcohol?
BUBBA: No thanks…..I’ve got everything
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
AMY: Hello
TEXT: Wow Really….hello?
AMY: What?
TEXT: You can’t reply to any of the 5,396 messages?
AMY: That’s how sleeping works
DATE (After sex): During sex you burn as many calories as running 8 miles
AMY: Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: I need your advice on something
SISTA: Don’t come to me for advice….we’ll end up knee-deep in trouble….or possibly in jail
SIS: You think glass coffins will be popular in the future?
SISTA: Remains to be seen
SIS: I always wonder what I look like from someone else’s eyes
SISTA (talking to herself): Maybe a potato?
SIS: I just found out the guy I’ve been dating lied to me
SISTA: Well the way men lie now days…..I’m starting to think Eve didn’t eat the fruit
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: You don’t tell me I’m beautiful anymore
PHONE CALL: Because I quit drinking
PHONE CALL: What the hell is wrong with you?
SUSAN: I have my period
PHONE CALL: Well, a period is not an excuse to have an attitude
SUSAN: I miss the times…..when men would just go to war and die
SUSAN: Well, you’re home early
PHONE CALL: Yeah, my boss told me to go to hell….so here I am
SUSAN: While I was driving, I saw a fox on the way to work
PHONE CALL: How did you know it was on its way to work?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: Did I tell you that I posed nude for an art class yesterday?
BRO: Did they ask you back?
CUZ: No…..they asked me to leave
BRO: Why?
CUZ: Apparently, they were making ceramic bowls are something
CUZ: I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was
BRO: What did she say?
CUZ: March 1st
BRO: And?
CUZ: So I walked around the room…..and asked her again
CUZ: Hey, how much do you think pirates paid for their earrings
BRO: Buccaneer maybe?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAD: And how was your day today dear?
MOM: I did a little mechanic work today
DAD: Really??
MOM: Yeah, I put a rear end in a recliner
COMPUTER REPAIRMAN: I’m sorry but there’s nothing wrong with your computer…..I’m not sure you even know what a hard drive is
MOM: I’ve driven cross country with my husband…two kids and my sisters dog….I know what the hell a hard drive is
DAUGHTER: Mom, do you want a bowl of Fruit Loops?
MOM: You mean….do I want a bowl of flamboyant Cheerios……no thanks dear.
DAUGHTER: Mom, I saw the police talking to you earlier…..what did you do?
MOM: I didn’t do anything
DAUGHTER: Then why were they talking to you?
MOM: They want me to change the sound of my car horn
DAUGHTER: Why??
MOM: Because I changed it to sound like gun shots….so people will get out of my way faster
DAUGHTER: How do they even allow you to work in a hospital?
MOM (Sipping on her martini): I know, right?
DAUGHTER: What ‘cha doing mom?
MOM: Lying on the sofa because I can’t decide…..whether to do laundry…..or fake my own death
DAUGHTER: Mom, can you tell me what it was like…..when you were a kid?
MOM: Sure, why do you want to know?
DAUGHTER: I’m doing a school report on ancient civilizations
MOM: That’s it….time to die
DAUGHTER: DAD!!!!!
DAUGHTER (Family dinner): Do y’all think snails are born knowing they can walk up walls…..or do they just accidently do it one day and go “Yooooooo”
MOM (Looking a dad): It’s your fault….look at what you did
DAUGHTER: Dad?
DAD: Yes hon…..
DAUGHTER: What do you do to make mom feel special?
DAD: I place her photo in the kitchen and write…..employee of the month
DAUGHTER: You do know your wife is not stable….right?