BUBBA: I’m going to need to leave early today
BOSS: Is there a reason why?
BUBBA: I’ve spent enough time with people…..I need my dog
BUBBA: I got kicked out of the swimming pool today….apparently the breast stroke…..isn’t what I thought it was
BUBBA: When I was filling out a job application….I saw they had a section for “previous life experience”…..I wrote down that I was a Pharoah in 2300 B.C.
BUBBA: (In a courtroom)….Order…..order…
BUBBA: 1 pizza…..2 sandwiches…..2 burgers and a cold drink
JUDGE: Shut up!
BUBBA: No,….7Up
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: Dad,….when you were young…what was one of your favorite hobbies?
DAD: Farting in the bathtub….and watching the bubbles
DAD: You want to tell me why the smoke detector…..is by the open window?
SON: The smoke detector said “get to air”….so I move it so it would stop going off
DAD: How are even still alive?
SON: Hey dad…..welcome back…..how was your business trip?
DAD: Let’s say…..after three days of eating English food…..I now understand why Gordon Ramsey…..is so fucking angry all the time
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: Mom….
MOM: Yes dear…..
DAUGHTER: If buffalos are endangered…..why do they sell buffalo wings?
MOM: (spits her martini across the room)…..ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!?
DAUGHTER: I can’t wait until I’m older….I want to be an adult
MOM: I assure you….you do not
DAUGHTER: It’s vacation time….time for us to travel again
MOM: What a terrible idea
DAUGHTER: What?…..traveling with children?
MOM: No…..just children
COFFEE SHOP: And what do you take with your coffee
MOM: Adderall, why?
COFFEE SHOP: Errrrm…..cream, sugar….?
MOM: I’m so lucky….I have a lot going for me…..I’m successful…..I’m a beloved wife and mother….
DAUGHTER: Mom, talk normal……you sound like a tombstone
MOM: (Watching a scary movie with her daughter)…..This is the dumbest shit ever
DAUGHTER: What?…..why?
MOM: I love how in scary movies…..the idiot yells…. “HELLO?”…..as if the bad guy is going to be like….. “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen…..you want a sandwich?”
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST…..6th floor office….Rm. 666
PATIENT: My girlfriend’s family is so against us dating
THERAPIST: Who are they to stop you
PATIENT: Her husband and kids
PATIENT (Wife): I told him, if anything happens to me…..he can use all our money on guitars
THERAPIST: So, what happened?
PATIENT (Husband): So, I did
PATIENT (Wife): I meant if I die Peter…..I was stuck in traffic
THERAPIST: So, why did you hit your husband on the head with a chair?
PATIENT: Because the table was too heavy to lift
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: For the past 4 years….all you’ve done…..is find mistakes in anything I say
BRO: 4 years….2 months and 26 days
BRO: What are you doing?
CUZ: Well, since our cable went out…..I’m watching the couple from across the street break up
CUZ: Ewwww…..
BRO: What?
CUZ: Why do French people eat snails
BRO: Because they don’t like fast food
CUZ: When I was a teenager…..I lived on a houseboat and dated the girl next door
BRO: So, what happened?
CUZ: Eventually, we drifted apart
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: If I wanted to purchase an iPad…..what brand would be best?
PHONE CALL: Ah…..Apple
SUSAN: Yummy…..look at my tasty vegan breakfast covered in herbs
PHONE CALL: It looks like you left the window open…..and a lawn mower passed by it
PHONE CALL: What are you wearing?
SUSAN: A grey crop top and ripped jeans
PHONE CALL: And inside?
SUSAN: Lungs, intestines, bones…..
SUSAN: Jesus…..do I always have to repeat myself?
PHONE CALL: No,….I ignored you well enough the first time
PHONE CALL: I understand that fish is a brain food…..and makes you smarter
SUSAN: Yes,….I eat fish all the time
PHONE CALL: Oh well,….there goes another scientific theory
SUSAN: It’s not true….I’ve never had a facelift
PHONE CALL: You’re face has been tucked in more times….than a bed sheet at Holiday Inn
PHONE CALL: You’re mad at me…..because I held the door open for that beautiful blonde at the bar last night?
SUSAN: You never held the door open for me
PHONE CALL: What about that time…..you threatened to leave for good?
SUSAN: Would you please stop yawning….when I’m talking to you
PHONE CALL: I’m not yawning….I’m just trying to get a word in
PHONE CALL: You’re kidding me….you bought those?…..Crocs are an ugly shoe
SUSAN: I like ugly things
PHONE CALL: …..Uh…..am I ugly?
PHONE CALL: Close your eyes…..and open your mouth
SUSAN: Well, that’s definitely a no
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
AMY: A man asked me for a dollar….I told him I only carry big bills….he said give me one of those….so I gave him my electric bill
AMY: I wanted to buy a new car.….so I went to a car dealership…..but I think I made the man uncomfortable….because I said to him….. “Tell me if you can hear this”…..and then I got in the trunk….and started screaming
AMY: Sure,….when Aphrodite lies around naked in a giant clam shell…..she’s a goddess….but when I do it…..they say I’m drunk….and no longer allowed at the aquarium
AMY: I came up with a new dating app idea…..you match with people who are on the same meds as you….I’ll call it…. “Relationscripts”
TEXT: I called you
AMY: Yeah I know….I watched my phone ring
FITNESS TRAINER: What kind of squat are you accustomed to doing?
AMY: Diddly
OLD CLASSMATE: Hey!…..I haven’t seen you since we graduated
AMY: Oh, hi…..yeah that was intentional
AMY: I saw a man sitting in Starbucks…..no phone, no iPad, no laptop…..just sitting there drinking his coffee…..like a psychopath
AMY: Sometimes I take a bubble bath…..because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower
AMY: At the airport I told a woman her toddler son was so cute…..and she looked at me…..with profound exhaustion…..and offered me full custody
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: That yellow cheese you bought isn’t that great…..but the white one is lovely
SIS: Ah,….that’s butter
SIS: What happened with the guy you dated last night?…..I though you like him
SISTA: Yeah, but he likes Kanye
SIS: Oh come on…..many people still secretly like him
SISTA: No, like…..voted for Kanye
SIS: That guy you dated last month called last night
SISTA: He zombie me
SIS: Huh?
SISTA: It’s like ghosting….but then he comes back from the dead a couple of months later…..and hits you up
SIS: So, what’s your plan if a nuclear war starts?
SISTA: I’m pretty sure my boss wants me to work that day…..so I guess I’m working
SISTA: They call me 007 at work
SIS: Why’s that?
SISTA: 0 motivation…..0 skills….7 snack breaks
SIS: Are you going to help me clean the house or what?
SISTA: Nope!
SIS: Why?
SISTA: You come from dust…..you will return to dust…..that’s why I don’t dust
SIS: Why not?
SISTA: It could be someone I know
BANK TELLER: I’m sorry…..but your account is overdrawn
SISTA: Well so are your eyebrows…..but here we are
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: A scammer just called and said he had all your passwords
GRANDMA: (Grabs a pen)…..Thank God for that…..what are they?