CUZ: I’m through with girls
BRO: What happened now?
CUZ: All I’m sayin’ is…..I refuse to date a girl…..if she can’t afford to fly me to Grease or Due By
CUZ: Bro, I’m finally switching to non-alcoholic beer
BRO: Drinking non beer…..is like being with a hooker…..who just wants to cuddle
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDMA: Why are you smiling?
GRANDSON: It’s that moment when your steak is on the grill…..and you can already feel your mouth watering
GRANDMA: I wonder do vegans feel the same way…..when someone mows a lawn
GRANDSON: What are you laughing at?
GRANDMA: I just let out a silent fart…..what should I do?
GRANDSON: Put new batteries in your hearing aid
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: Sad news
THERAPIST: And what would that be?
PATIENT: I broke up with my girlfriend Loraine….because she found out I was seeing another girl….Claire Lee
THERAPIST: And how do you feel about what you did?
PATIENT: Fine…..the good news is….I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone
PATIENT: I launched a series of books aimed at teenagers last week
THERAPIST: That good
PATIENT: Not really
THERAPIST: Why’s that?
PATIENT: I only managed to hit three of the little shits
PATIENT: I recently tried to re-marry one of my ex-wives…..but she said no
THERAPIST: I’m sorry to hear that….what was her reason?
PATIENT: She thought I was only after my money
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: Tell the truth mom
MOM: What?
DAUGHTER: When you were growing up….doing the high school and college thing….it must’ve been boring
MOM: Why do you say that?
DAUGHTER: Because you didn’t have this technology back then.
MOM (Spitting her martini on the floor): Are you kidding?….if we reenacted the stuff we pulled in our teens and 20’s….we’d all be Tik Tok famous by now.
MOM: This reality TV show we’re watching is so lame
DAD: Ah,….this is our wedding video
WAITER: I just wanted to let you know….that kids eat for free
MOM: Good….I’ll have a water….and my daughter will have the steak….and a kids Bud Light
DAUGHTER: Mom, did you know….that Egyptian babies didn’t know…..that one day their father would become a mummy?
MOM: Neither did the Kardashians
DAUGHTER: Mom, Spring is finally here…..aren’t you happy?
MOM: (Drinking her martini)…..I’m so happy I wet my plants
DAUGHTER: You ok?
MOM: Yep, I read my fortune cookie from last night’s dinner
DAUGHTER: And?
MOM: And it said…. “Do what you love and money will follow”…..so I ate pizza….drank wine…..took a 5 hour nap in my underwear….and took a selfie with the neighbor’s dog…..now I wait
DAUGHTER: Mom, I just read somewhere that being sarcastic…..can add up to three years to your life
MOM (Talking to herself): Shit….if that’s true….I’m gonna live forever
(Next Door Neighbor): You do know you’re very hard on your children
MOM: Yeah, and that’s why they aren’t little assholes like yours
DAUGHTER: Where does hate come from mom?
MOM: Mostly religion dear
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: I had a dream about you
PHONE CALL: Awwwwww
SUSAN: You died
SUSAN: Babe, can I be a stay home girlfriend?
PHONE CALL: I don’t care what you do when you get off work
PHONE CALL: Why do you like me?
SUSAN: Because you’re funny
PHONE CALL: I thought it was because I was good in bed
SUSAN: See?….you’re fuckin’ hilarious
SUSAN: Being a man is easy
PHONE CALL: It’s not easy at all….no make-up….no wig….if you’re ugly, you’re ugly
SUSAN: Last night in your sleep….you were using offensive language against me
PHONE CALL: That was your imagination
SUSAN: What imagination?
PHONE CALL: That I was asleep
PHONE CALL: Will you marry me?
SUSAN: Marriage is just a nice word for adopting a full grown man…..who can’t take care of himself
PHONE CALL: I can take care of myself….I just need someone to cook, do laundry, clean the bathroom and run the vacuum
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: I got offered a side job
SIS: Really?….
SISTA: I met these cute guys at a bar….we got to talking…..and they offered me a side job at the place where they live
SIS: Get out….how much?
SISTA: $500 bucks for one hour’s work
SIS: Cool….
SISTA: Yeah I know….I start stripping for the blind on Monday
SIS: When did you leave the party last night?
SISTA: I couldn’t get a taxi home last night
SIS: So how did you get home?
SISTA: I went into a pizza joint, ordered a delivery to our address….and got in the car with the driver
SIS: What happened…..I thought you were coming home early
SISTA: Yeah, but some chick started mouthing on me at the bar and….
SIS: Let me guess…..
SISTA: Yep, I clocked her…..cops showed up…..asked some questions and didn’t like my answers….so they took me down to the station for a minute
SIS: Questions?….what did they ask and what did you say?
SISTA: He asked me….after I was cuffed…. “Anything you say can be held against you”
SIS: And you said…..?
SISTA: Well, since I’m a lawyer I wanted to be perfectly clear in regard to what he said
SIS: And…..again?
SISTA: So I asked him…. “You mean anything I say can and will be held against me?…..and he said yes…..so I said…. “Michael B. Jordan”
SIS: What are you doing?
SISTA: I’m starting day one of my diet
SIS: And how’s that going?
SISTA: Great….I have removed all the bad food from the house….it was delicious