April 28, 2024

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410

CUZ: I’m through with girls

BRO: What happened now?

CUZ: All I’m sayin’ is…..I refuse to date a girl…..if she can’t afford to fly me to Grease or Due By

CUZ: Bro, I’m finally switching to non-alcoholic beer

BRO: Drinking non beer…..is like being with a hooker…..who just wants to cuddle

GRANDMA: Why are you smiling?

GRANDSON: It’s that moment when your steak is on the grill…..and you can already feel your mouth watering

GRANDMA: I wonder do vegans feel the same way…..when someone mows a lawn

GRANDSON: What are you laughing at?

GRANDMA: I just let out a silent fart…..what should I do?

GRANDSON: Put new batteries in your hearing aid

MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666

PATIENT: Sad news

THERAPIST: And what would that be?

PATIENT: I broke up with my girlfriend Loraine….because she found out I was seeing another girl….Claire Lee

THERAPIST: And how do you feel about what you did?

PATIENT: Fine…..the good news is….I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone

PATIENT: I launched a series of books aimed at teenagers last week

THERAPIST: That good

PATIENT: Not really

THERAPIST: Why’s that?

PATIENT: I only managed to hit three of the little shits

PATIENT: I recently tried to re-marry one of my ex-wives…..but she said no

THERAPIST: I’m sorry to hear that….what was her reason?

PATIENT: She thought I was only after my money

DAUGHTER: Tell the truth mom

MOM: What?

DAUGHTER: When you were growing up….doing the high school and college thing….it must’ve been boring

MOM: Why do you say that?

DAUGHTER: Because you didn’t have this technology back then.

MOM (Spitting her martini on the floor): Are you kidding?….if we reenacted the stuff we pulled in our teens and 20’s….we’d all be Tik Tok famous by now.

MOM: This reality TV show we’re watching is so lame

DAD: Ah,….this is our wedding video

WAITER: I just wanted to let you know….that kids eat for free

MOM: Good….I’ll have a water….and my daughter will have the steak….and a kids Bud Light

DAUGHTER: Mom, did you know….that Egyptian babies didn’t know…..that one day their father would become a mummy?

MOM: Neither did the Kardashians

DAUGHTER: Mom, Spring is finally here…..aren’t you happy?

MOM: (Drinking her martini)…..I’m so happy I wet my plants

DAUGHTER: You ok?

MOM: Yep, I read my fortune cookie from last night’s dinner

DAUGHTER: And?

MOM: And it said…. “Do what you love and money will follow”…..so I ate pizza….drank wine…..took a 5 hour nap in my underwear….and took a selfie with the neighbor’s dog…..now I wait

DAUGHTER: Mom, I just read somewhere that being sarcastic…..can add up to three years to your life

MOM (Talking to herself): Shit….if that’s true….I’m gonna live forever

(Next Door Neighbor): You do know you’re very hard on your children

MOM: Yeah, and that’s why they aren’t little assholes like yours

DAUGHTER: Where does hate come from mom?

MOM: Mostly religion dear

SUSAN: I had a dream about you

PHONE CALL: Awwwwww

SUSAN: You died

SUSAN: Babe, can I be a stay home girlfriend?

PHONE CALL: I don’t care what you do when you get off work

PHONE CALL: Why do you like me?

SUSAN: Because you’re funny

PHONE CALL: I thought it was because I was good in bed

SUSAN: See?….you’re fuckin’ hilarious

SUSAN: Being a man is easy

PHONE CALL: It’s not easy at all….no make-up….no wig….if you’re ugly, you’re ugly

SUSAN: Last night in your sleep….you were using offensive language against me

PHONE CALL: That was your imagination

SUSAN: What imagination?

PHONE CALL: That I was asleep

PHONE CALL: Will you marry me?

SUSAN: Marriage is just a nice word for adopting a full grown man…..who can’t take care of himself

PHONE CALL: I can take care of myself….I just need someone to cook, do laundry, clean the bathroom and run the vacuum

SISTA: I got offered a side job

SIS: Really?….

SISTA: I met these cute guys at a bar….we got to talking…..and they offered me a side job at the place where they live

SIS: Get out….how much?

SISTA: $500 bucks for one hour’s work

SIS: Cool….

SISTA: Yeah I know….I start stripping for the blind on Monday

SIS: When did you leave the party last night?

SISTA: I couldn’t get a taxi home last night

SIS: So how did you get home?

SISTA: I went into a pizza joint, ordered a delivery to our address….and got in the car with the driver

SIS: What happened…..I thought you were coming home early

SISTA: Yeah, but some chick started mouthing on me at the bar and….

SIS: Let me guess…..

SISTA: Yep, I clocked her…..cops showed up…..asked some questions and didn’t like my answers….so they took me down to the station for a minute

SIS: Questions?….what did they ask and what did you say?

SISTA: He asked me….after I was cuffed…. “Anything you say can be held against you”

SIS: And you said…..?

SISTA: Well, since I’m a lawyer I wanted to be perfectly clear in regard to what he said

SIS: And…..again?

SISTA: So I asked him…. “You mean anything I say can and will be held against me?…..and he said yes…..so I said…. “Michael B. Jordan”

SIS: What are you doing?

SISTA: I’m starting day one of my diet

SIS: And how’s that going?

SISTA: Great….I have removed all the bad food from the house….it was delicious

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