CUZ: God doesn’t cancel people
BRO: Dude…..He literally started all humanity over…..with a flood
CUZ: I just broke down my monthly salary….and I realized I make $2.50 an hour
BRO: Wow.…that’s less than a parking meter…..makes per hour
CUZ: What’s wrong?
BRO: My brain hurts from all this reading
CUZ: Maybe you should read less books
BRO: Maybe you should breathe less air
CUZ: Siri….why am I so bad at talking to women?
I’M ALEXA…..YOU IDIOT!
BRO: Why are you limping?
CUZ: I did something dumb
BRO: Did you try to exercise again?
CUZ: Not everyone believes what you believe
BRO: My beliefs do not require them to
CUZ: I don’t fart in apple stores?
BRO: Why not?
CUZ: Because they don’t have windows
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: Ah, mom
MOM: Yes dear
DAUGHTER: Everyone at the gym….is wondering why you’re sitting still…..on that stationary bike
MOM: I’m going downhill….tell them to mind their damn business
MOM: Just so you know…..I want to be cremated
DAUGHTER: Is an appointment for next Tuesday cool with you?
DAUGHTER: Mom?
MOM: Yes dear?
DAUGHTER: Can you spell “Tuna Sub” backwards?
MOM: Sure….B-U-S-A-N-U……? (talking to her husband)….. “HONEY COME GET HER BECAUSE I’M GONNA KILL IT!”
DAUGHTER: Mom…..did you know Albert Einstein was a genius?
MOM: Yep….but his brother Frank was a monster
DAUGHTER: Mom…..martini…..down…..now!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
INTERVIEWER: Forget everything you learned in college….you won’t need it working here
BUBBA: But I didn’t go to college
INTERVIEWER: Well, then you’re unqualified for the job
BUBBA: I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say….. “Hey look….that one is shaped like an idiot”
COP: So I’m writing you a ticket….for driving alone in the car pool lane
BUBBA: You’re going to feel really stupid….when you look in my trunk
CO-WORKER: Why are you so quiet?
BUBBA: First of all….I don’t like you
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDMA: I’ve started telling everyone…..about the benefits of eating grapes
GRANDSON: Really?….why?
GRANDMA: It’s all about raisin awareness
GRANDSON: And your next doctor appointment is when?
(In a restaurant)
GRANDSON: $18 for a salmon on a bagel?….this better be life-changing salmon
GRANDMA: If you think about it from the salmon’s perspective…..it was
GRANDSON (Talking to his daughter): Did you have fun with Grandma?
DAUGHTER: Yeah
GRANDSON: What did you do?
DAUGHTER: What happens with Grandma.…stays with Grandma….but if you give me a dollar….I’ll tell you who sleeps with Grandma when you’re not there
GRANDSON: Here’s two…..who is it?
DAUGHTER: Me!
GRANDMA: Did you know that drummers are real musicians?
GRANDSON: Sure Grandma…..let’s get you to bed
GRANDMA: I just bought a top-of-the-line hearing aid for $7,000
GRANDSON: Really?….what kind is it?
GRANDMA: 12:30
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: How do you avoid stress at work?
SISTA: Don’t go to work
SIS (Text): Why didn’t you answer my text to join me for a morning run?
SISTA: Sorry, my autocorrect changed “morning run”…..to “morning rum”…..change of plans….sorry
SISTA: Oh come on….I wasn’t even that drunk last night
SIS: Are you kidding me??….you threw a mushroom at a midget and said…. “Grow Mario grow!”
TEXT: Hey; I miss you
SISTA: Can’t talk…..I’m at a funeral
TEXT: OMG….who died?
SISTA: My feelings for you
SISTA: My doctor told me….to accessorize and buy nice shoes
SIS: I’m pretty sure he told you….to exercise and eat the right foods
SIS: Isn’t it too early to be eating?…..it’s four in the morning
SISTA: What time do stomachs open…..tell me?
SIS: Your ex-boyfriend died?
SISTA: Who….Ray?
SIS: That’s not very nice of you to celebrate
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
DAD: What are you reading?
SON: Great Expectations
DAD: Is it any good?
SON: It’s not all I hoped for
SON: Can we go to the haunted house this year?
DAD: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
SON: WHAT????
DAD: Goodnight son
SON: Dad….you know the rapper 50 Cent?
DAD: Yeah…..he’s on my playlist
SON: You know what 50 Cent did when he was hungry?
DAD: Nope
SON: 58….get it?
DAD: I promise it’ll be a slow and painful one
DAD: I told you to get ready for bed
SON: I will….I’m just waiting
DAD: For what?
SON: Morning
DAD: Did you put your clothes away?
SON: Yes
DAD: So, they’re not on the floor
SON: That is a way
DAD: You need to take a shower
SON: I took one yesterday
DAD: You need to take one everyday
SON: This is getting out of control
SON: What are you doing?
DAD (On the computer): Registering you for school
SON: I thought we were friends.
SON: What for dessert?
DAD: Eat your dinner first
SON: I need a goal
MUSIC TEACHER: You’re playing all the wrong notes
SON: I’m playing all the right notes….but not necessarily in the right order
TEACHER: Give me a sentence which includes the words…. “defence, defeat and detail”
SON: When a horse jumps over defence…..defeat go first…..and then detail
TEACHER: Get out!
SON: Looks like that phone call wore you out
DAD: It was your aunt Linda
SON: Church lady?
DAD: Yep
SON: And what did she quote for you today?
DAD: “And then a man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city….and his wife turned around….and was turned into a pillar of salt”
SON: Wow that’s deep…..so, did you ask her…..what happened to the flea?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
PHONE CALL: I like Eminem
SUSAN: I prefer Skittles
PHONE CALL: Not the candy….the rapper
SUSAN: Why would I eat the wrapper?
SUSAN: Can I ask a dumb question?
PHONE CALL: Better than anyone I know
SUSAN: I poured you a beer….to show how much I appreciate you
PHONE CALL: Thanks….let me just cancel the insurance…..before I drink it
SUSAN: Why do men hate celebrating their birthdays so much?
PHONE CALL: Because we’re tired of receiving socks….from people who expect boat cruises from us
PHONE CALL: I bought a bracelet to show you that I care
SUSAN: Then why does it say…. “Do not resuscitate?”
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
AMY: Doing nothing is very hard to do…..you never know when you’re finished
(Sitting in a Bar)…..You look much better without glasses
AMY: Thanks….you look much better without my glasses too
AMY: I was sitting in a taxi today….and the driver said;…. “I love my job…..I’m my own boss….nobody tells me what to do….then I said;….. “Turn left here”
BOSS: Why do you need to leave work early?
AMY: I’m just not having a good time
AMY’S DATE: So….can you cook?
AMY: I don’t know….can you build a house?
AMY: As a young child….my mom told me that I could be anyone I wanted to be…..turns out…..the police call this “identity theft”