(Guy in the bar): You think we could fall in love one day?
AMY: I would push you in front of zombies to save my dog
JOB INTERVIEW: We’re looking for someone who can do the work of two men
AMY: So, it’s only part-time?
(Bar date): You’re so quiet in person
AMY: So, what the hell do you want me to do….rap?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: Do you want to go for a run?
SISTA: From what?
SIS: Did you know…..just before sweet potatoes are smashed….they become very quiet.
SISTA: What?
SIS: This is known as….the silence of the Yams.
SISTA: You need to stop chewing my gummies.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
BRO: Why are you smiling?
CUZ: I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
CO-WORKER: Do you know a good vet?….my dog has a fever
BUBBA: Try mustard…..mustard is good for hot dogs
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDMA: Did you know your Grandfather….worked 12 hours a day to put food on the table?
GRANDSON: Really?
GRANDMA: Yep….he was a great man…..but he sure was a slow cook
GRANDMA: Just so you know…..I have many hidden talents
GRANDSON: Like what?
GRANDMA: I don’t know….they’re hidden
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: Dad, did you go to the same school as me?
DAD: Yes….the same school as you….only 35 years ago….why do you ask?
SON: Well, Mrs. Lopez said today that she hasn’t seen an idiot like me….in 35 years
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: You need to do more chores around the house
PHONE CALL: Can we change the subject?
SUSAN: Okay….more chores around the house need to be done by you
SUSAN: It’s over
PHONE CALL: But you said only till death do us part
SUSAN: We did not specify whose death will do us part….I just lost my granny….it’s over
SUSAN: This getting old thing is terrible
PHONE CALL: How so?
SUSAN: This morning, I blacked out for twenty minutes
PHONE CALL: That’s because you had your hoodie on backwards
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: I just read McDonald’s is making a deep-fried pickle covered in batter
MOM (drinking her martini): So, what are they going to call it….Mc Dill Dough?
DAUGHTER: Seriously mom?
SON: Mom?
MOM (On the sofa….sipping a martini…..and watching a horror flick….where the teenagers are losing): Yes, my Prince
SON: My teacher was talking about how it would be….when we go through our teenage years….and up to…..you
MOM: Watch it kid
SON: Anyway,….she said go home….and ask one of your parents a question
MOM: And what might that be darling?
SON: She asked me to ask you…..as you grew older….what was the one thing that you did before….that you don’t do now?
MOM: Give a shit
DAD: Honey, why are you trying to reach the ceiling with your legs?
MOM: You don’t understand these things….it’s a yoga position and this is a position called the candle
DAD: And does the fact that you just farted have anything to do with it?
MOM: It’s a scented candle….now go away!
MOM (In a restaurant): That’s the 5th time you’ve gone back for dessert….doesn’t it embarrass you?
DAUGHTER: Nope…I keep telling them it’s for you