WAITER: I see your glass is empty….would you like another one?
AMY: Why would I want two empty glasses?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: They’re thinking about arming our teachers to help with school violence.
DAD: (Bust out laughing hysterically)
SON: What’s so funny
DAD: Let me be very clear about this one…..if any of my teachers had ever been armed….we would not be having this conversation
SON: Dad
DAD: Yes?
SON: Why do the French eat snails?
DAD: Maybe they don’t like fast-food?
SON: Really??
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
(Burger joint): Can I take your order?
DAUGHTER: Yeah, let me get a…..long relationship…..with a side of loyalty and honesty….oh, and hold….the bullshit and games.
DAUGHTER: The Titanic movie is one of the greatest….love stories of all time
MOM: Really?…..Rose slept with a homeless man….and then let him drown
DAUGHTER: Some people get weird as they get older
MOM: Not me….I’ve always been this way
BIBLE SISTER: keep thy tongue from evil…..and thy lips from speaking guile
MOM: Oh what?……now I can’t tell people to shut the f..k-up anymore?
MOM: What are you doing?
DAUGHTER: I’m reading a horror story in braille
MOM: Really?…..I’m impressed…..how is it?
DAUGHTER: Something bad is about to happen…..I can feel it
MOM: I seriously hate you.
TEACHER: It’s nice to have you back today….where were you?…..we missed you?
DAUGHTER: I was sick…..of people
MOM: Oh, that’s so sweet…..thanks for picking me up from work
DAUGHTER: No problem
MOM: I’m hungry….can we stop at McDonald’s?
DAUGHTER: I’ve been waiting to say this to you for years…. “No, we have food at home.”
MOM: And how was your day honey?
DAD: The broke condoms stopped by to visit
MOM: Babe, we spoke about this….call the kids by their names
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: I’ve decided to stop drinking….start working out….and to eat healthier
PHONE CALL: Why?
SUSAN: Ok, you talked me out of it
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: I think people who take naps….are the real heroes.
SIS: Really?
SISTA: Hell yeah……it takes courage to wake up twice….in one day
SIS: You know you really shouldn’t pick on children….who still believe in Santa Claus
SISTA: I know adults…..who still believe in the Dallas Cowboys
SIS: I just left Nana’s house….I put my coat in her closet and now it smells like moth balls
SISTA: Yuck
SIS: I know…..have you ever really smelled moth balls?
SISTA: Not really……you?
SIS: Yeah
SISTA: How do you get their little legs apart?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: We had a water polo team back in high school
THERAPISTS: Did you play?
PATIENT: Yeah, I did….but then it got disbanded
THERAPIST: Why so?
PATIENT: All the horses drowned