(Text)….You are so damn fine
AMY: Thanks
(Text)….I would like to meet you one day
AMY: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?
(Text)…..Yes
AMY: Then we shall meet in heaven
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about a time you were inspired at work
CUZ: I once worked with someone who told customers, “Sorry, it’s my first day”…..anytime he messed up for 2 years straight
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: What’s wrong with you?
SISTA: Some idiot just called me fat….stabbed me in my arm….and took all my money
SIS: Well, what did you do?
SISTA: Nothing…..I hate going to the doctors
SISTA: I swear, some people are just stupid
SIS: Who you talking about now?
SISTA: Johnny
SIS: What happened?
SISTA: I ran into him and saw he was getting fat…..and I tried telling him about gluten free….and he asked….. “How long he been out?”
SIS: I love the smile on a person’s face when I say….. “Have nice day”
SISTA: I prefer the look when I say….. “Enjoy the next 24-hours”
(Work colleague)….You’ve been quiet all day….what are your thoughts?
SISTA: Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything…..in front of my face that I do not understand
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: All men are crazy
PHONE CALL: Says the woman who used to talk to her dolls and feed them real food.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BOSS: What do you have planned for today?
BUBBA: Having my day ruined by whatever you’re about to ask me to do.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: What is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
DAUGHTER: I struck down a Jedi
MOM: God I hate you
DAUGHTER: Yes….use your hate
MOM (Slams the door)…..
DAD: Wow…..and how was your day at the hospital
MOM: It was a three “C’s” day
DAD: Huh?
MOM: Coffee, chaos and cuss words
DAD: Martini dear?
MOM: You think?
DAUGHTER: Auntie called
MOM: Bible or Hell?
DAUGHTER: Your favorite one
MOM: What did Satan’s twin want this time
DAUGHTER: Well, your nephew……
MOM: That evil spawn?
DAUGHTER: Mother, be nice….anyway,…..since she loves my taste in literature…..she wanted me to choose a book as a present for him for his birthday
MOM: That thing wasn’t born….that monster is how old now…..2?
DAUGHTER: 5, and starting kindergarten soon…..and now she wants him to start getting use to using “big people words”…..hence a book
MOM: Huh?
DAUGHTER: Ok, instead of saying “choo-choo”…..he would say train…..or Nana…..grandmother……mama….papa….mother, father….
MOM: Who says mother, father anymore?
DAUGHTER: I know right?
MOM: Don’t push it babe…..
DAUGHTER: Anyway, stay on point…..now I have to find the perfect little book with big adults words he’ll understand….that’ll lead him on the path to using big people words……so now she only wants him to start understanding our words…..and not children per say…..words….you got it?
MOM: (Sipping her martini)…..Yep….no more baby words…..so,…..why don’t you give him…… “Winnie the Shit?”
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON (Pissed off at dad)…..Just so you know…..I didn’t ask to be born
DAD: Yeah, you did….you beat five million others to the egg