(Text from a guy she met)…..Hey I’m by your apartment
AMY: Good…..get away from it
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: Why are you smiling?
SISTA: Just texted mom and gave her some great news
SIS: Really?
SISTA: Yeah….I told her a tropical storm named after her…..is heading for the beach where dad…..is supposed to get married this weekend
SISTA: We have a new case of Chlamydia at the law firm
SIS: I hope it’s better than the case of Chardonnay they gave us for Christmas
SIS: What’s wrong with your face?
SISTA: I just farted so hard….my feet went numb
(Going on vacation)
SISTA: Man, I’m so glad I ate that edible this morning….now when in the hell are we going to take off?
SIS: Ah,….we landed 15 minutes ago
SISTA: How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
SIS: No idea
SISTA: One Mrs. Hippie….two Mrs. Hippie….three Mrs. Hippie…..
SIS: You’re very strange
(Store Clerk):….You’ve aged a bit since this photo was taken
SISTA: Yeah…..I had it taken right before I joined this line to pay for my shit.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
THERAPIST: And what do we say when we’re sad
PATIENT: ADD TO CART?
THERAPIST: No!
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BUBBA: Your Honor…..I was having a beer and that shithead over there just walked up and pushed me.
JUDGE: Watch your language in my court.
BUBBA: I’m so sorry your Honor….I meant no disrespect to you nor your court…..my parents raised me better….and it will never happen again….it was just one of those “Austrian guy slips”
JUDGE: Ok, so what happened next?
BUBBA: I punched the motherf…..r in the face
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
(Gym instructor): Do you have a personal trainer?
DAD: No, but I have a kid….he eats all my food and doesn’t let me sit down….so, basically it’s the same.
SON: Dad?
DAD: Son?
SON: Did you hear that the man who wrote “The Hokey-Pokey died?
DAD: That’s sad
SON: Yeah, and it was really embarrassing at his funeral
DAD: Why?
SON: Because they could not get him in his casket
Really?
SON: Yep,…..they put his right foot in…..
DAD: You’re stupid
SON: Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
DAD: Because they’re too big to transport to British museums
SON: Did you know Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon?
DAD: No…..it was his cameraman
SON: I finished watching a court trial on a British TV show…..why were the lawyers wearing wigs?
DAD: So, they can argue like women
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: Yippeeee…..it’s beer season
BRO: Huh?
CUZ: Yeah,…..Septembeer, Octobeer, Novembeer…..Decembeer
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
SUSAN: Whenever you’re sad…..I am there…..when you’re having problems…..I am there…..and when life seems out of control…..I am there
PHONE CALL: Let’s face it….you’re bad luck
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAUGHTER: Where are you?
MOM: Hey, I just got home from the store
DAUGHTER: “I WAS WITH YOU!!!”
MOM: Oh, shit!
DAUGHTER: Your sister dragged me to church today
MOM (Sipping a martini): Which one….the one that’ll give you a free pamphlet…..or the one that’ll smack you with a bible if you curse?
DAUGHTER: That one
MOM: And how was it?
DAUGHTER: Well, they do say “Jesus love you” a lot in church
MOM: Better there….than hearing “Jesus loves you”…..in a Mexican prison
DAUGHTER: Who are you and where is my mother?
MOM: What ‘cha doing?
DAUGHTER: Writing an English paper essay
MOM: Cool, but don’t forget…..commas are very important
DAUGHTER: And why?
MOM: Take this for example…. “No more wine…..no, more wine!”
DAUGHTER (Door slams…) I hate people
MOM: What now?
DAUGHTER: There’s this new girl in my class….and me being me….walked up to her and introduced myself
MOM: And?
DAUGHTER: She looked me up and down and said;…. “You’re out of my league….I’m like “super popular” on social media
MOM: And again?
DAUGHTER: So, I said to her…. “Isn’t that like being rich on Monopoly?”
MOM: That’s my girl
MOM: You know…..sometimes when I’m working in the hospital….I feel I’m surrounded by ghost
SISTER (Bible one)…..You should stop believing in such stupid superstitions…..if you feel so uneasy….then maybe you should come back to the church
MOM: WHAT???