AMY: I’m going to be the bridesmaid….,in my best friends second wedding…..is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with….. “Welcome back everyone!”

AMY: When older people say;…. “Enjoy them while they are young”…..they’re talking about your knees and hips….not your kids

AMY: I’m not an early bird or a night owl…..I’m some sort of…..permanently exhausted pigeon

AMY: Only in math problems…..can you buy 60 cantaloupes…..and no one asks…..what the hell is wrong with you

AMY: (Giving a speech in front of her co-workers)…..Before I begin….I want to make sure this mike is working……If your name is Michael…..please stand up….(a few guys stood)…..thank you…..and that concludes the mike check

AMY: In every relationship…..there is a person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect……and a person who stacks the dishwasher……like a racoon on meth

AMY: There are 3 stages in life……young and stupid…..motivated and hopeful….. and hates everything and everyone

AMY: I may look like I’m having deep thoughts…..but 99% of the time…..I’m thinking about what I’m going to eat later

AMY: If there’s a bar where everybody knows your name……you’re probably an alcoholic

AMY: This woman said; “I look unapproachable”…..which pissed me off…..because she approached me to tell me that

AMY: Look,….I’m not saying that Darth Vader choking people…..that annoyed him was right…..I’m just saying…..that I understand

AMY: 9 months before I was born…..I went to a party with my dad…..and left with my mom

AMY Reading the news on the net): Wait….what?….. “The first testicular guard…. “The Cup”….was used in Hockey in 1874…..and the first helmet was used in 1974”…..seriously?….so I guess that means…..it took 100 years for men….to realize that their brain is also important.

AMY: My God……you fast food employees act like those sauces come out of your wages…..just throw 5 in the bag and behave

AMY: Sometimes…..I seriously need a speed bump…..between my brain and my mouth

AMY: Two of my friends had never met each other…..before they spoke….I told both of them that the other is a bit deaf…..they shouted at each other for a few minutes…..before they realized I’m an asshole

AMY: I wonder if the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse……even know about Taco Bell’s $4.99 deal

AMY: I just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp…..guess there’s no reason…..to try pot roast

AMY: This guy I was talking to was saying how women play sports just as well as men…..and he said,….. “One time I was reffing a women’s softball game, on a full moon and….”….and I was like….. “Why does it matter that it was on the full moon?”…..and he was like,….. “Well, you know, the full moon….women on the full moon”…..and I was like…. “I don’t get it?”…..and he was like….. “Periods”…..and he thought all women just get their periods on the full moon…..and I just thought it was really funny…..that he confused women with werewolves

AMY: (Restaurant dinner date…..getting ready to sit at the table)

DATE: Can I push your stool in?

AMY: Let’s see how dinner goes first