AMY: I hate when I click…. “accept cookies”…….and then I don’t get any cookies
AMY: The other day I gave away a vacuum for free on Craigslist…..and the woman who picked it up…..emailed me later to say…. “You forgot to empty the cannister”…..and I cannot stop thinking about how annoying that was
AMY: If men are stronger than women…..why do male characters in video games need full plate armor……while the women only need a chainmail bikini?
AMY: I wish they would stop killing ducks…..to make duck tape
AMY (texting): Thanks for dinner at Taco Bells
ANSWER: You’re welcome…..what did you get?
AMY: I got diarrhea…..but it was worth it
AMY: I wanted to post a joke about Sodium…..but I was like Na…..people won’t understand
AMY: I just saw footage of the Queen driving…..and they blurred out her license plate…..presumably so viewers don’t ID her…..and find out where she lives
AMY: I got carded at the liquor store…..and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out….the cashier said….. “Never mind.”
AMY: Can you watch my drink while I got to the bathroom?
GUY: Sure, but do you think having a stranger you don’t know….watch your drink is a good idea?
AMY: I saw you mouth all the words to a Justin Bieber song…..and figured you were harmless
AMY: I can’t come in tomorrow
BOSS: Oh, what’s wrong?
AMY: Nothing…..I just don’t want to come in
AMY: I love flat earthers…..because they remind me….even though I may be a failure….there are always people even more disappointing than me
AMY: I think the scariest part about having triplets…..is having to be pregnant for 27 months
AMY: I wonder…..when bald people wash their faces……how high do they go up?
AMY: The hacker was so disappointed in my bank account….he started a go fund me page for me
AMY: I had a guy friend with a Ph.D. in engineering ask me last week….how woman pee with a tampon in…..and this is another reason….why men shouldn’t be passing laws…..about women’s bodies
AMY: My boyfriend dumped me last week…..and now I’m dating his landlord….we’re increasing his rent tomorrow