MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDMA: I remember when I won $3 million dollars and donated a quarter to charity
GRANDSON: Wow grandma…..that was very generous of you
GRANDMA: I know….. I had $2,999,999,75 left
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
DAD: May ya live as long as ya want, and not want as long as ya live
MOM: And what the hell is that?
DAD: It’s an Irish toast
MOM: Bread, cinnamon, eggs and maple syrup
DAD: And what’s that?
MOM: A French toast
DAUGHTER: Ah, there’s nothing more satisfying…..than being prettier than your ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend
MOM (sipping on her martini and says to herself): The fact that he’s not going for just looks anymore….means you taught him a valuable lesson
MOM: When you see your Aunt Beth…..tell her Merry Christmas
DAUGHTER: She doesn’t celebrate Christmas
MOM: Oh, I forgot
DAUGHTER: She’s Jehovah Witness
MOM: Yeah, I know…..tell her I said knock knock them
DAUGHTER: So, mom……what do you think the new year will bring us?
MOM: 365 opportunities
DAUGHTER: Good morning mom…..are you ok?
MOM: No!…..next question.
DAUGHTER: When do you think we’ll have flying cars?
MOM: When I don’t have to worry….about a teenager flying over my house…..in a two ton car.
DAUGHTER: I’m not wearing sweaters anymore
MOM: Why not?
DAUGHTER: Because it’s not right…..it takes three sheep to make just one
MOM: Damn…..I didn’t even know they could knit
DAUGHTER: You remember that actor David Hasselhoff?
MOM: Sure, his singing sucks
DAUGHTER: Anyway….he started referring to himself as the Hoff
MOM: Well, it’s less of a hassle
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……BUBBA…..Basement apt….2B
BUBBA: Hi, I’m looking for a good deodorant
(Salesclerk): Is it the ball-type you want sir?
BUBBA: No…..it’s for under my arms
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
PHONE CALL: Good morning…..wake up beautiful
SUSAN: Don’t tell me what to do
PHONE CALL: You do know I love you…..and I’d go through anything for you
SUSAN: Just the door will be fine
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
BRO: Yo, I got some bad news for you
CUZ: Combine them
BRO: Your girlfriend Tina….is cheating on both of us
CUZ: Remote jobs are terrible for your mental health…..I want to socialize with everyone….I need to know if the woman in HR is going to get divorce or not
BRO: And you’re the exact reason the rest of us wanna stay home
CUZ: I lost my dictionary
BRO: Have you tried looking upstairs?
CUZ: I can’t look up anything
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS…..AMY…..Apt. 344
(Answering a text): I’m sorry I can’t talk to you right now…..I have 2%
TEXT: Battery?
AMY: Nah, will
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST…..6th floor office….Rm. 666
THERAPIST: So, what do you do for a living?
PATIENT: I race motorcycles
THERAPIST: Do you win many races
PATIENT: No, the motorcycles are faster
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307
PHONE CALL: We should make a sex tape
SUSAN: Are you serious?….you’d finish so fast it would just be a GIF
PHONE CALL: I’m jealous of your heart…..it’s pumping inside of you and I’m not
SUSAN: Yeah, unfortunately…..I needed something that wasn’t only good for maybe 3 or 4 pumps.
PHONE CALL: So, how would you describe our wonderful relationship?
SUSAN: Humm, how about…..chain yourself to a bear, and then kick it
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: Dad, I have to get the new phone that’s out
DAD: Why?
SON: Because you have access to thousands of movies, books…..and it’s small
DAD: I have an even smaller wireless device…..that gives me access to thousands of book and movies
SON: Really?…..what’s it called?
DAD: A library card
SON: Dad,….can you tell me what a solar eclipse is
DAD: No sun
SON: That’s ok…..I’ll ask mom
DAD: Wait…..what?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: Hey, how do you feel this morning?
SISTA: I’m fine
SIS: Fine?…..you know what “fine” stands for, don’t you?
SISTA: Freaked out…..insecure…..neurotic and emotional?
SIS: I need work advice
SISTA: Quit!
SIS: If you were in Walmart…..and everything became free for ten minutes….what would you get
SISTA: Trampled to death
SIS: You ok?
SISTA: Hell no….these law cases are getting on my nerves
SIS: Then I shall grant you three wishes
SISTA: I wish for a world without lawyers
SIS: Done….you have no more wishes
SISTA: But you said I have three wishes
SIS: Sue me
SIS: What do you do if your date…..accuses you of having too much to drink?
SISTA: Just tell him…..that’s impossible….you’re still ugly
SIS: So, did you have fun last night?
SISTA: Let me finish reading the police report….and we’ll find out
SISTA: Man, I’m tired
SIS: What did you do all day?
SISTA: The firm spent the day volunteering at the hospital….and I had to deal with the psychiatric ward….while singing Christmas carols
SIS: Awww,….that’s so sweet….what was their favorite Christmas carol?
SISTA: Do you hear what I hear
TEXT: Didn’t you get my message?
SISTA: Sorry I didn’t text you back…..I was pretending I didn’t see it….and ended up actually forgetting.
SIS: So…..what’s your favorite book?
SISTA: The restaurant menu