…….(if you haven’t met my new neighbors yet….you need to go back and read…. “Good morning, evening, mid-whatever”…..and introduce yourself)
AMY: The elevator doors…..open and a guy walked in the elevator….it was just me and him in there….and he said…. “I love you”…..and I’m not rude so I said….. “I love you too”….he gave me a weird look…..and pointed at his Bluetooth
DAUGHTER: Mom, what’s the name of the boat in the Titanic movie?
MOM: (says to herself)…..I knew that bitch switched babies in the hospital
BUBBA: The AAA guy came to help me get my keys out of my car….and the AAA guy locked his keys in his car…..and had to call AAA
BRO: A $160 Parking ticket?…..are you kidding me?
CUZ: Nice…..how fast were you going?
BRO: Did you just ask me…..how fast I was going on a parking ticket?
GRANDMA: What’s your college major?
GRANDSON: IT
GRANDMA: Like the clown?
BUBBA: I took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm…..because the loud beeping was giving me a headache…..and making me feel sick and dizzy
SIS: I’ve started seeing someone
SISTA: As in dating….or hallucinations?
AMY: I just experienced LA to its fullest…..a girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked…..someone offered her a glass of milk…..and she paused mid freak out and said…. “Do you have almond milk?”
SON: Damn….the NFL has been around longer than our government…..we’ve had 48 Super Bowls…..and only 46 presidents…..I didn’t know that
DAD: Son, I have a question for you
SON: What?
DAD: When you go to school…..do you go to class?
BRO: What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?
CUZ: Awfully bold of you …..to assume I’ve peaked
AMY: I just got kicked out of a flat earth Facebook group…..because I asked if the 6-foot social distancing guideline…..has pushed anyone over the edge yet
DAUGHTER: Mom, are you ok?
MOM: I’m singing
DAUGHTER: I thought you were crying
SIS: I hate grapes…..they discuss me
SISTA: What they be sayin’?
AMY: I just ate one of my airpods……thinking it was my Prozac
CUZ: Queen is America’s answer to The Beatles
BRO: Ah, excuse me….Queen are from England
(Free Event – Solar Eclipse Party)
DAUGHTER:…..Rats, most of the kids go back to school on that day…..can’t it be done on the weekend?
MOM: Did you just ask to reschedule the sun??
PHONE CALL: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!
SUSAN: Ah, his snoring is much better now…..thank you duct tape
SIS: I’ll keep observing Columbus Day…..thank you very much
SISTA: What do you do to “observe” Columbus Day?…..get lost in a grocery store looking for spices?
(Happen to run into each other on the street)
GUS: Yo, what school you went to?
CHUCK: Why?
GUS: You look four meal your
CHUCK: I look what??
GUS: I said you look four meal your
CHUCK: Huh?…..I don’t even know what four meal your is
GUS: MF, you look like I no you damn
SON: Canadians think the titanic was a real event…..and not just a movie…..how dumb can they be?
DAD: I really hope you’re kidding
AMY: Why is there a birthday candle for “0?”…..nobody turns zero years old
DAUGHTER: Mom, why are you putting on a mask?…..you’re vaccinated
MOM: Because it’s still a great way to avoid running into people I know
AMY: It’s sad when the only man who can tell me….. “I know what you want”….is my barista
SISTA: Maybe we should do a girl’s trip
SIS: Ohhh, Miami?
SISTA: No, mushrooms
CUZ: If you smoke marinara….feel free to unfriend me
BRO: I only smoke mozzarella
SON: I can’t believe it…..grown people are still using umbrella
DAD: You supposed to become waterproof…..after you turn 18 or something?
SUSAN: What’s “IDEK” mean?
PHONE CALL: I Don’t Even Know
SUSAN: Then why you commented?
MOM: Honestly, I won’t blame you if you never want children…..I can tell you from experience that having kids is my biggest regret…..If I could go back in time…..I would never have kids
DAUGHTER: Thanks, Mom
SIS: My therapist told me I can manifest my dream job
SISTA: Job?…..I’m manifesting a Princess Diaries situation…..where I find out I’ve been royalty this entire time
BRO: Are you ok?
CUZ: Am I ever?
BRO: Fair
SISTA: How was the date with him?
SIS: Eh, not good
SISTA: Yeah, I imagine so…..since you guys are friends, coworkers…..and also because you’re a lesbian
GRANDSON: Where can I get a girlfriend who does not smoke….does not drink…..and does not cheat?
GRANDMA: At the mortuary…..they don’t even eat…..go there