REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOM….gave you that pre-ripped piece of Double-mint gum…..and it tasted like…..perfume and purse dirt?

EUROPEANS: I drove 40 minutes to the Netherlands for some groceries…..and then popped into Germany real quick…..to see some relatives before driving back home for the day

AMERICANS: I drove in Texas for nine hours…..and I’m still in Texas

I SEE PEOPLE MY AGE…..out there climbing mountains and zip lining…..and here I am feeling good about myself….because I got one leg through my underwear…..without losing my balance

I WOULD HONESTLY LIKE TO THANK DONALD TRUMP…..he’s done a great job of exposing…..the racism that we’re constantly…..told doesn’t exist

MY WIFE….complained that my life revolved around Facebook….and has destroyed the way we communicate as a family…..so I blocked her

THE FACT…..that I can fit $200 worth of groceries…..in three grocery bags.….doesn’t sit well with me

THE SQUIRRELS…..must be expecting a cold winter…..they’re gathering more nuts than usual…..yesterday…..my sister disappeared

I WON’T……be remember as a woman who kept her mouth shut…..and I’m ok with that

LET’S ADMIT IT….we put “Made With Love”…..on our quilts…..because “Made with cursing, 3 trips to the quilt store and lots of wine”……just won’t fit on a quilt label

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR  REASON…..sometimes the reason is…..you’re stupid and make bad decisions

REMEMBER THIS HOLIDAY SEASON…..if someone buys you a $30 gift…..and they get paid approx. $10/hr…….they paid about 3 hours of their life…..to get you that gift…..be grateful…..it doesn’t have to cost $100+…..to hold value

AMAZON…..has lost a trillion this year…..Zuckerburg has lost a billion……crypto dude has lost his whole $16 billion fortune…..and Musk is hemorrhaging money daily…..I don’t normally take pleasure in the downfall of others…..but…..

ME: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?

ALEXA: Doesn’t matter…..you ain’t going anywhere

WHAT DO I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?…..Hmmm…..lately I’ve been really into….groceries and gas…..utilities are cool too…..you know…..stuff like that

I’M NOT SAYING YOU’RE STUPID…..I’m just saying…..you have bad luck…..when it comes to thinking

I HATE SMALL TALK…..I wanna talk about atoms, death, aliens, the moon…..magic intellect, the meaning of life…..far away galaxies……the lies you’ve told, your flaws……your favorite scents, your childhood…..what keeps you up at night…..your insecurity and fears……I like people with depth…..who speak with emotion and a twisted mind…..I don’t want to know…. “what’s up?”

HIS MOTHER……should have thrown him away….and kept the stork (Mae West)

AND MY FAVORITE…..

TEACHER: Make a sentence using the word “Dough”

TIMMY: You make pizza with special dough

JOHNNY: I make shapes with Play Dough

AMY: I heard my mom say dad is so useless…..so she has to use a dill dough