I HATE IT….when I’m talking to myself….and suddenly realize I wasn’t listening….and have to start all over
IT’S BEEN A STRANGE DAY…..first I found a hat full of money….and then I was chased by an angry guy with a guitar
GOOD MORNING…to everyone….except people who say it’s too early for my BS….get up earlier next time
HAVE YOU EVER….stared at a message and be like….. “How on earth do I reply to this shit?”
YOU EVER….look at your child and be like….. “You’re my favorite person in the world….now please go to sleep”
LOSING A FRIEND….to a cult is hard…..losing your family to a cult is next level…..losing an entire country to a cult…..is absolutely surreal
LISTEN….I am a safe person….so if you need to fart….I ain’t gonna judge you, ok?
A BILLIONAIRE….makes us pay for his golf trips….and then tells us….we can’t have food, health, science, education and art
IT’S REALLY TOO BAD….you can’t order Karma like flowers….and have that shit delivered
MY SILENCE….doesn’t mean I agree with you….it just means…..you left me speechless with your stupidity
IT WAS SO WINDY…..when I was walking to the gym….I got blown into the wine store
SO AFTER ARGUING…..for an hour with a man who said….I was sitting in his seat….he finally said,…. “Ok, YOU fly the plane”
NEXT TIME I FEEL….butterflies….I’m chugging down a bottle of tequila….so they drown
I JUST PAID….for a 12-month membership to a gym….and my bank called to see if my credit card was stolen
IMAGINE CALLING YOURSELF…..the master race…..and have to resort to erasing the achievements…..of minorities to make yourself feel better
DEAR DIARY:….today, my friends asked me to go on a 5-mile run…..so I made a list of things I’ll need…..1) ….new friends
YOU KNOW YOU’RE OLD…when you’re entering your birthday online….and you have to spin that thing…..like you’re on The Price is Right
IF THE WEATHER….can’t be nice for more than 2 days….in a row then neither can I
MEN….if you are over 50…..leave the young girls alone….and find a woman who understands….the signs of a stroke
I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE….my wife and I finally completed….a six-hour negotiation….to pick out the movie….she’s going to look at on her phone…..while I fall asleep on the couch
WE CAN ARGUE…all we want…..but the most terrifying moment in life….is when the toilet refuses to flush….at someone else’s house
THE POTHOLES WHERE I LIVE…..will knock the tampon right out ya
Y’ALL SEE….how fast the weather changed…..that’s how fast I get irritated
IF WE DON’T….have room for immigrants and dreamers…..maybe we should get rid of racists and white supremacists….and make some room
I BUMPED…..into a mannequin and said…..”sorry”….and then said…. “Oh, I thought you were a person”…..then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin…..this….I’m this level of awkward
PEOPLE SAY….. “Do what makes you happy”…..and then complain when I’m drunk
I THINK….age is terribly overrated….you’re okay as long as you don’t grow up (Billy Connolly)
AND MY FAVORITE…..
REPORTER: All-knowing alien…..when will humanity ever achieve world peace?
ALIEN: When you stop slaughtering each other…..you could have thought of that yourselves….but then thinking is not a strong point of your species