MY THREE ASSUMPTIONS WHEN THE DOORBELL RINGS…..
- A murderer
- The police telling me everyone is dead
- That book I ordered about positive thinking
I LOVE WHEN A MAN…..tells me what to do…..I won’t listen…..I just love how it sounds
ONE THING I KNOW…..this summer heat…..isn’t the heat that Whitney Houston wanted to feel with somebody
I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE…..that hear the song “Roxanne”…..and can only think of Eddie Murphy sitting in a jail cell
I COULDN’T AFFORD…..an ancestry DNA kit….so I announced I’d won the lottery….I had no idea I had so much family
SOMETIMES—-you have to get rid of a fly with a sledgehammer…..it’s not about the fly….it’s about the flies that are watching
GRAND KIDS….are the reward for not selling your kids….to the circus during their teenage years
YOU NEVER APPRECIATE….what you have until it’s gone…..toilet paper is a good example
WE DIDN’T HAVE CELL PHONES….but somehow every parent within five miles….knew what we did
BACK THEN…..the only screen time we had…..was the door slamming behind us
MY CHILDHOOD:…..20% Kool-Aid…..80% unsupervised danger
AFRAID….of not getting what you…..ordered with online shopping…..try online dating
EVERY BARTENDER….I’ve ever met….is better at de-escalating conflict…..than the police
WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME DIRECTIONS….and say “You can’t miss it”…..buddy you have no idea what I’m capable of
IF IT IS NOT RIGHT….do not do it….if it is not true…..do not say it
YOU CANNOT….control someone who knows how to be alone…..they don’t need you…..they choose you…..that’s the power
SELF-CHECKOUT…..should at least include an employee discount
THE TRUTH….doesn’t mind being questioned…..a lie does
NOTHING IS SCARIER…..than attempting the first fart….after having diarrhea
THEY’LL SAY….we’re disturbing the peace….but there is no peace….what really bothers them…….is that we are disturbing the war
FAMILY: How long are you staying?
ME: Until one of y’all piss me off
MY ABILITY….to read the room….is the reason I stay home a lot
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE:….Governor Hochul…..you stated that you’re a proud registered Democrat?
GOVERNOR HOCHUL:….Yes I did….is that illegal now too….in your country?
MY MIND…..is exceptionally quiet today…..I’m suspicious I’m up to something…..I don’t want to know about
ON ROUGH DAY…..when you feel like you can’t take it anymore…..remind yourself….that your track record for surviving a shit storm…..is 100%
I MIGHT POP DOWN….to the hardware store….and see if they have and handles….since I flew off the last one
PLEASE….if you’re under 30….stop saying “Back in the day”….your day was 5 minutes ago….sit down
I’M AN OPEN BOOK….in a culture that doesn’t read
AND MY FAVORITE…..
AN ELDERY MAN….was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son…..a renowned surgeon…..just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son…. “Don’t be nervous son….do your best and just remember….if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me….your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife”