….Nah, I’m good…..coffee’s ready.
CAN YOU SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF THIS GIANT WOODEN PENIS FOUND IN SWEDEN?…..Nah man….I’m drinking my coffee.
BOYS ARE BETTER AT PHYSICS BECAUSE THEY LEARN ABOUT “PROJECTION” WHILE GOING TO THE TOILET, RESEARCHERS SAY…..Hey, don’t look at me….I’m sitting here….drinking my coffee….and looking at you try and figure out that one….I’ll give you a hint…. “Stupid Study People.”
ASPEN POLICE: DON’T TAKE SELFIES WITH BEARS…..Isn’t it amazing how you can make the same face twice….after reading the boys are better physics thing….and then this one?
BIOLOGISTS JUST DISCOVERED AN UNDERWATER OCTOPUS CITY AND THEY’RE CALLING IT OCTLANTIS…..Ah,……ok!
WHY YOU CAN’T FLY A PLANE INTO SPACE…..Hummm….maybe it’s because….I can’t fly a plane?….they’re saying you need to reach a minimum speed of mach 33 (25,000 mph)…..the current world record for the fastest plane is only mach 6.7 (5,140 mph)….and there you go….now finish your coffee, grab your keys and go to work.
FACE IT AMERICA…….WE’RE STARTING TO HATE EACH OTHER…….
LAS VEGAS…..I guess this is one of those times when…..what happens in Vegas…..doesn’t stay in Vegas…..So, who is Stephen Paddock?…..or shall I say “was” since the cops took him out…..I’m going to guess..…he was a man who woke up one morning…..had some breakfast.….watched Fox News for a minute…..who was a person who liked to hunt..…fly planes.….gamble..…attend concerts…..own at least or more 10 firearms…..lived a quiet life…..in a small town called Mesquite, Nevada…..in a three bedroom desert retirement community…..and had no criminal record…..and then decided to go to a concert.….and kill 59 people and wound 500+ others…..why?…..no one knows…..The Orange Clown said….. “Though we feel such great anger at the senseless murder of our fellow citizens, it is our love that defines us today and always will, forever. We pray for the entire nation to find unity and peace, and we pray for the day when evil is banished and the innocent are safe from hatred and fear”…..well the only time that is going to happen is when…..you leave office!…..the gun laws are weak.….but “You” pushed the button towards people hating each other…..it’s amazing how Donnie can act like he cares…..when he’s thinking about making silencers for pistols and armor piercing bullets legal…..now people will be able to walk up to someone..…shoot them..…and no one will hear the shot…..let’s give a shout-out to gun control…..those of you who are so against the First Amendment…..shall we talk about the second one now?…..have you noticed the death toll rises with each shooting?……Pulse Nightclub..…49…..Virginia Tech..…32…..Sandy Hook..…27…..San Bernardino.….14…..Fort Hood.….13…..to name a few…..and newscasters and politicians are saying…..now is not the time to discuss gun control right after the Vegas shooting……the hell it ain’t.….you want to explain to the families of the 59 people who were killed…..why it’s not a good time to talk about it?
AND THIS REALLY GET ME…..The people in Texas, Florida and Puerto Rico.….who had their lives upended by the hurricanes…..remember?….instead of Trump really…..stepping up and helping them.….he decided to dedicate a fucking golf trophy to them……unbelievable!…..and while his dumbass was in Puerto Rico…..instead of handing people the supplies they need…..he tossed them at the people like he was shooting a three-point shot or throwing T-shirts into the crowd.….I think he might’ve gotten dirty if he shook someone’s hand…..he told Puerto Ricans they should be proud they aren’t suffering from a real catastrophe like Katrina.….huh?…..and basically dismissed the deaths of 16 Americans who lost their lives during the storm…..last but not least…he said.…. “I hate to tell you Puerto Rico, but you’ve thrown our budget a little out of whack because we spent a lot of money”…..and told the hurricane victims to “have a good time”…..he doesn’t even know Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory……what a moron……is anyone else wondering how much money Governor Ricardo Rosselló…..was probably paid to kiss Trump’s ass with praise?
GUN CONTROL…..The only thing I can say about it is….that I agree with Jim Jefferies…. “This is the biggest shooting in American history and these are not records we should be trying to break. Now I have been open on my opinions about gun control in this country. But I’m going to tell you now I have nothing more to say. I’ve said everything I can. We know what needs to be done to try and prevent this from happening again but we didn’t change the laws after Sandy Hook, we didn’t change the laws after the Pulse Nightclub and we’re not going to change them now. We’re doing nothing. So tweet #prayforvegas…..change the filter on your profile picture, post pictures of broken hearts on your Instagram but know that you are doing nothing but pissing into the wind. America, you have let this happen. This is our reality now. I dare you to prove me wrong.”…….and if you think he’s joking…..a school friend of mine was on his way home…..someone was tailgating him….he tapped his breaks….the person passed him….gave him the finger….and shot off his side mirror.
A HOMELESS MAN ASKED….If he could go to prison so he can spend his birthday someplace warm…..that’s really sad….23-year-old Bradley Grimes….who has autism and a brain tumor….which was brought on by years of neglect….has spent the past six months on the streets in Middlesbrough…..he arrived in court with three bag of his belongings….and asked this question to a judge….his case worker said his is a very sad case but there is no easy solution….while in court he admitted to being in breach of a four-month suspended jail sentence for a knife attack….and is asking for his suspended sentence to be activated….the judge granted his request and he spent his birthday in a warm place….the poor kid has been in and out of the system since he was seven.