GOING BACK….to your ex…..is like….reheating McDonald’s fries

I LIKE….to refer to myself as a free spirit…..because it sounds classier…..than out of control

UNDER STALIN….repression was so severe…..that Soviet Gulags held 25%…..of the world’s entire population…..just kidding….that’s the United States today

NOTHING TO DO…..everything to be

I’M NOT SAYING MY KIDS……come to me for everything….but if I was on fire…..and my husband was 10 feet away…..they’d still ask me for a snack

WATCH OUT….I’m having one of those days….where I’m holding a stick….and everyone looks like a pinata

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FLIRT…..but we can argue

GROWING UP….Sesame Street taught me the importance of education….empathy and kindness…..Bugs Bunny on the other hand….taught me revenge on my enemies…..should be quick, clever…..and brutal

ME (When I have to explain something more than two times)…. “Look mf….”

WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?…..Well it appears she is someone living her life…..unconcerned with who you think she is

BUS DRIVER:….. “Everyone remember to keep your headphones plugged in…..from the looks of you…..I can already tell I hate your music taste”

I DON’T….want to party like it’s 1999…..I want to go grocery shopping…..like it’s 1999

TRUST IS EARNED…..respect is given….and loyalty is demonstrated…..betrayal of any one of those….is to lose all three

IF I SAY…. “Imma call you back”….just enjoy the rest of your day

I KEEP THINKING….I wouldn’t mind the cooler weather to kick in….but I don’t want to get too enthusiastic about it…..because I am 100% sure…..this is the year we will get flammable snow

SAM COOKE: MOM READING HIS SCHOOL REPORT CARD……

MOM: Looks like….you don’t know much about history…..don’t know much about Biology….don’t know much about a science book…..don’t know much about the French you took…..

A MAJOR POLITICAL PARTY…..harassing a father for years….because his son struggles with addiction…..is one of the most disgusting spectacles….I’ve witness in US politics

I DON’T GET EVEN….I get odd

TACO BELL….is the only place….you can still get gas….for $1.39

MIKE PENCE….says he doesn’t have sex with men….but he sure screwed Trump

I CAN’T BELIEVE…..how much time my parents…..spent teaching me what sounds barnyard animals make….I have almost never needed that as an adult

APARTHEID….was legal….the Holocaust was legal…..Slavery was legal…..Colonialism was legal…..legality is a matter of power…..not justice

I DON’T LIKE TO CALL IT REVENGE….returning the favor sounds so much nicer

I LOVE WHEN THE KIDS…..tell me they’re bored…..as if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes…..is where you go to get ideas…..about how to have a good time

ANYTHING…..I say before coffee….cannot be held against me

EVERYONE….at some point has gambled on a fart….and lost

CAN SOMEONE…..please rewind me back to my childhood….give me some cereal….and put the cartoons on?

THE TROUBLE….with living alone is…..that it’s always my turn to do the dishes

JESUS CHRIST….was originally going to be named Gary….until Mary stubbed her toe

A DEMOCRATIC…..Senator is caught taking bribes….and the ENTIRE PARTY is calling for his resignation…..a Republican Supreme Court Judge….is caught taking bribes….and there is ABSOLUTE SILENCE…..from the Republicans….never tell me there isn’t a difference….between the parties

ME AS A KID: I fall 10 feet from the monkey bars….and I’m ok

ME NOW: I tried to scoop ice cream that was a little too frozen….and I dislocated my shoulder

RULE #1…..Never date a girl….who doesn’t respect your wife

THE BIGGEST SCAM IN LIFE….paying taxes on money you make…..taxes on money you spend…..taxes on things you own….that you already paid taxes on….with already taxed money

EVEN IF YOU FOUND….a feral child in the Appalachian woods…..and then educated it on absolutely nothing…..but Jerry Springer reruns and corn dogs facts…..it would still have a better understanding…..of the United States Constitution….than Majorie Taylor Greene

AND MY FAVORITE…..

BLACK AMERICANS…..are the most patriotic Americans….we served before we had freedom…..we served before Jim Crow….we served while being lynched…..we continue to serve during police brutality….we served while America continued to fly the Confederate flag….and we continue to love and forgive America….so don’t talk to “US” about honoring the flag