ON THE INTERNET…..you can be anything you want….it’s strange that….so many people choose to be stupid

I’M SORRY I SLAPPED YOU….but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking….and I panicked

3 OUT OF THE 4….voices in my head want to sleep….the last wants to know….if penguins have knees

SOMETIMES….I just want to grab my 3 dollars….and run away

TEENS….walk to school with their coffee…..my generation took vodka in water bottles

KEEP DOING….what you’re doing….we’re all being judged by someone….who isn’t even close to having their shit together

WHAT IF…..one day Google was deleted….and we couldn’t Google…..to find out what happened to Google

TODAY…..todayed tf out of me

YOU’LL PAY…..good money to go hear a comedian…..say something offensive….but when I do it for free…..I’m a bastard

BITCHCRAFT: The art of pissing people off….by telling them the truth

SINCE THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME….does that make me….endangered or limited edition?

SHE DANCED LIKE NO ONE WAS WATCHING…..but they were watching….and she looked like she’d had 12 shots of Jack….and walked into a spider web

IF A BRA……is an “Over the shoulder boulder holder”…..does that make a jock strap a….. “Under the butt nut holder?”

WHEN I TALK…..I’m rude…..when I don’t talk…..I have an attitude….I’m just gonna start barking

I THINK….it would be great….if Walmart added an upper level observation deck…..with a full bar

I’M THE TYPE…..of husband that helps his wife…..look for her missing chocolate that I ate

WE SHOULD PROBABLY STOP….putting people who are preparing for the rapture…..in charge of anything anymore

HOW LIFE WORKS…..some days you’re the pigeon…..and some days you’re the statue

EVER MEET SOMEONE….who just lies for no reason?….just walking around….with stage 4 Liabetes

I LAUGH….when people try to figure me out….like good luck….I can’t even figure me out

I DON’T ALWAYS…roll a joint….but when I do….it’s usually my ankle

A DAY WITHOUT MUSIC…..just kidding….I have no idea what that’s like

I GOT…..kicked out of the bookstore today….for moving all the Bibles….into the fiction section

FILM STUDIOS…..have announced a remake of The Birds….leading roles by….Russell Crowe….Steven Seagal and Ethan Hawke….with music by….Taylor Swift

BEAN BAG CHAIRS….are just Venus fly traps….for anyone over 35

I’M LOOKING….for a moisturizer that hides the fact….that I’ve been tired since 2007

YOU EVER GET TO THE POINT….when you’re 10 dangs…..20 yups….6 wows….and 8 man that’s crazy…..and they still won’t stop talking?

TWO LITTLE BOYS WERE AT A WEDDING….when one of them leaned over to the other and asked….. “How many wives can a man have?”…..his friend answered…. “Sixteen….four better…..four worse….four richer…..and four poorer”

IF LOOTING IS SO BAD….I guess the world has to give Africa back….it’s diamonds, gold, minerals, animals, education…..and oh yeah….it’s people

AND MY FAVORITE….

IF MY SON IS GAY…..when he’s older….I don’t want him to tell me….I don’t want him to feel like he’s announcing news….I don’t want him to be scared or nervous….I want him to just bring a boy home and say….. “Mom, this is my boyfriend”…..just like he would with a girl….then I shall make them both a sandwich…..and ask them how they met…..because that’s exactly what I would do with a girlfriend….so why should a boyfriend be any different?