WHOEVER….came up with the phrase….. “The freaks come out at night”…..has clearly never been…..to Walmart during the day

WE TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS….as a return ticket….to a moment otherwise gone

YOU WILL NEVER FIND…..justice in a world…..where criminals make all the rules

PEOPLE….be wearing Dior…..but not Diordorant

I DON’T THINK….I can travel to Florida anymore….because the time difference is too much….it’s 1860 there

THE IDEA OF BEING…..visited by aliens lost its appeal…..when I realized they’d likely just be…..some other planet’s asshole billionaires

I FINALLY GOT…..eight hours of sleep….it took three days…..but, whatever

I DON’T CURSE…..I speak fluent trucker…..with a sailor accent…..and a construction accent

WE NEED TO QUIT….looking for intelligent life on Mars….and start looking for intelligent life in Washington, D.C.

I LOVE ATHEISTS……because they choose to be good…..not out of fear of Hell…..but because it’s the right thing to do

MATTEL…..should make a Barbie with no hair….so that every little girl fighting cancer feels beautiful…..put her in pink…..name her HOPE….and send the proceeds to St. Jude

PEOPLE CHOOSE TO BE….around people that feed their need…..if you need drama, negativity, gossip or pettiness…..I promise you.….you will starve to death in my presence

I’M JUST GOING TO….put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead….and call it a day

SLAVERY…..was pure unadulterated evil…..there’s no other side to the story

DEAR BEST FRIEND….if you ever feel bad…..call me….I promise to sing to you…..then you can decide what’s worse

GOD LOVES YOU…..even when Christians don’t

CALLING ME FAT…..is not an insult….I’m sorry my mom bought groceries….and not crack

I WAS THINKING BACK…..the other day to when a hip joint…..meant someplace I wanted to go to on a Friday night

HUMANITY…..was a mistake

ROADSIDE SOBRIETY TESTS…..are getting ridiculous…..last night I had to fold…..a fitted sheet

IT’S THE VIBE FOR ME…..I’m all out of maybes.….if it’s not a clear yes…..then it’s a no

WHEN I WAS.….a little kid…..I literally thought….. “This little pig went to the market”…..meant it went shopping

NO ONE RULES…..if no one obeys

I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND…..why “deeply held religious beliefs”……are held in higher esteem…..than thoroughly understood facts

TEQUILA….is a Spanish word meaning….. “I don’t remember doing that”

RACISM…..is so American…..that when you protest it…..people think you are protesting….America

AND MY FAVORITE…..

WHEN THE WORLD STARTS WITHOUT ME…..please try to understand…..that an angel came and called my name.….and took me by my hand…..the angel said my place was ready…..in Heaven and far above…..and that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love…..but when I walked through Heaven’s Gates…..I felt so much at home….for God looked down, smiled at me, and said to me….. “Welcome Home”…..so when tomorrow starts without me…..don’t think we’re far apart…..for every time you think of me…..I’m right there in your heart.