SOMETIMES…..I wake up grumpy….but other times…..I let her sleep in

ELON….has lost his wife…..his kids…..40 billion dollars…..and his spaceship crashed….it’s like a genre of country music….that doesn’t even exist yet

BE KIND….of a bitch

GOOD FRIENDS…..make each other laugh….best friends go for the snort

A GIRL AT STARBUCKS…..complimented my lip gloss…..I didn’t have the heart to tell her….it was grease from the rotisserie chicken I just ate in the parking lot

I’M AT THE AGE…..that not finding parking for an event…..is enough to make me go home

GOD CREATED FARTS…..then He put a smell in them….so the deaf could enjoy them too

I CAN’T….get out of bed on days….when the temperature….is less than my age

WHEN MY WIFE…..is singing in the house….I sit outside…..so the neighbors don’t think I’m hitting her

I BET….someone’s mom used me as a bad example when I was younger

AS I GET OLDER….I’ve noticed that companies….seem to be putting the lids on jars a lot tighter

MY DENTIST….told me….I need a crown….and I was like…. “I know, right?”

JUMPING IN THE SHOWER….increases the probability….that your phone will ring….by 70%

I JUST LAUGH STUFF OFF…..because prison doesn’t cook the foods I like

BANK TELLERS…..should do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled…..this is the fifth one I’ve been to that says insufficient funds

IF YOU HAVE EVER…..sat in the toilet at work and wondered…..how long you can sit before someone searches for you…..the answer is……47 minutes….

DID YOU KNOW….you can fly from any airport in the world…..without announcing it on Facebook?

I DON’T KNOW….how many cookies it takes to be happy….but so far…..it ain’t 27

BEING ALONE….for a while is dangerous…..it’s addicting….once you see how peaceful it is….you don’t want to deal with people anymore

WHAT….do you call a person….who is happy on a Monday?…..retired

WHEN SOMEONE ASKE ME….if I can drive them home….I do 140mph…..so they won’t ask me again

AND MY FAVORITE…..

(A quote from “The Matrix” feels relevant….)…..You have to understand…..most people are not ready to be unplugged….and many of them are so inured….so helplessly dependent on the system…..that they will fight to protect it