WE NEED ADULT WATER PARKS….no kids….just a lazy river….with a floating bar….live music on stage….and a taco truck

I WISH….Facebook would let you laugh at a friend request

TODAYS YOGA POSE IS….downward spiral

GOD…..wanted Trump to live….so he could lose…..to a Black woman

ADULT FAIL #23…..Turned on the wrong burner…..and have been cooking nothing…..for about 20 minutes

DO NOT REGRET….past mistakes….all decisions….good or bad….led you to where you are today

WE REALLY….used to print out 4 pages….from Mapquest….and travel like pirates

I HATE….when I mean to buy seedless grapes……but instead….I accidentally get Oreos

I’M THE FRIEND….that would never steal a dollar from you…..but if you leave the room….I am finishing all your wine

I DON’T WANT TO….rock and roll all night anymore….an hour is fine….two tops

EVERYBODY BE LIKE…. “Why you so quiet?”….it’s obvious I ain’t got shit to say

GRAPE SODA….doesn’t even taste like grapes….but it sure taste like purple

I’D BE….a terrible superhero….I’d see the signal in the sky from home and be like…. “I literally just sat down”

I WAS….born to be wild….but only till about 8:30ish

TUPPERWARE….is more like…. “TupperWHERE the hell is the lid?

“I HOPE YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU DESERVE”…..one statement that can be….either the sweetest or meanest thing….you can say to a person

WHEN YOU’VE OFFICALLY RUN OUT OF EXCUSES:…..I will likely be a little late because of who I am as a person

I DON’T KNOW…who needs to hear this….but if you have a bottle of wine….Easter bunnies….don’t have to be hollow

MOSQUITOES….fly close to the ear….because they love….when people punch themselves in the face

ONE THING….I know how to do is….turn $1,500 into $6.38

SECURITY….at every level of the airport….is insane….until you get to baggage claim….then it’s like take whatever bag you want

WHEN A POST INCLUDES…. “I bet none of my friends will share this”….rest assured….I won’t

I STARTED THE DAY….with Cap’n Crunch and end the day….with Captain Morgan….because apparently….I want to be a pirate

WHY DO BIGFOOT HUNTERS….try to lure him with a mating call?….do they have a game plan if squatch….comes barreling towards them out of the woods….full tilt with a raging boner?

AND MY FAVORITE…..

IT’S OK…..to be White…..it’s ok to be Black…..it’s ok to be straight…..it’s ok to be gay….it’s ok to be you…..but it’s never ok…..to stop at a yellow light….. “WHEN WE BOTH SHOULD’VE MADE IT!”