REMEMBER WHEN….there used to be all these articles about how people in Europe live longer than Americans because they drink red wine and eat more olive oil or bullshit like that?….turns out it was universal healthcare the whole time.
YOU KNOW….what’s really uncomfortable and annoying….is when you die! (Governor Phil Murphy’s (New Jersey) response to Pandemic Fatigue and people complaining about wearing face masks)
8 GUYS IN THIS COUNTRY….have more money than 4 billion people combined….but yeah, the mom buying groceries with food stamps is the problem.
DO ALCOHOLICS RUN IN YOUR FAMILY?…..no, but they stumble around and break shit.
THE REASON I’M OLD AND WISE….is because God protected me when I was young and stupid.
THE SADDEST PART OF 2016….was seeing how many people believed the worst rumors about a woman…..while ignoring the worst facts about a man.
DONALD TRUMP JR:….70 million pissed off Republicans and not one city burned to the ground….EDAN CLAY:….your dad got legally voted out….not murdered by 3 cops in broad daylight.
SOME DAYS….the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
EVERYBODY IS CELEBRATING….Biden’s win…but, like, I don’t know man…it kinda feels like a horror movie where the monster just died…..but there’s still twenty minutes left in runtime.
WE MAY BE OPPONENTS….but we’re not enemies….we’re Americans……Joe Biden
AS TRUMP FIRES OFF…..desperate tweets from his campaign bunker…..Joe Biden and Kamala Harris just attended a coronavirus briefing with America’s top experts…..rest assured America….the adults have arrived.
SOMETIMES……you just need to sit down…..blast your favorite music…..and not give a fuck about the world for a while.
THIS WILL NOT BE A PEACEFUL TRANSITION…..anyone who has had to pull a toddler out of Chucky Cheese knows this.
RESET, REFOCUS,….readjust…..restart as many times as you need to.
TAKING CARE OF OUR VETERANS…..is a cost of war….if you can spend six trillion dollars sending people to war….you can spend a few billion dollars taking care of them when they come home.
THE SIMPLE TRUTH?…..those who decided to support Trump….a lying, character-less hustler as their favorite candidate for President of the United States…..have told us a great deal about themselves.
IF A WHITE MAN…..wants to lynch me, that’s his problem….if he’s got the power to lynch me, that’s my problem….racism is not a question of attitude….it’s a question of power.
AND YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF…..across the street from a crematorium….and you may find yourself next door to a dildo store…..and you may find yourself at a press conference….and you may find yourself in front of a landscaping business….and you may ask yourself, “Well….how did I get here?”
EDUCATING YOURSELF….does not mean that you were stupid in the first place….it means that you are intelligent enough to know that there is plenty left to learn.
MISSISSIPPI GOVERNOR SAYS “WE’RE NOT GOING TO PARTICIPATE” IF NEXT PRESIDENT INTRODUCES NATIONWIDE COVID-19 LOCKDOWN…..And that’s why the state has the highest illiteracy rate in the nation….and the dumbest people.
IF ANY NUMBER MULTIPLIED BY ZERO IS ZERO, AND ANY NUMBER DIVIDED BY ITSELF IS ONE, AND ANY NUMBER DIVIDED BY ZERO IS INFINITY, WHAT IS ZERO DIVIDED BY ZERO?…..Really dude?….it’s eleven in the goddamn morning on a Saturday….and you want me to answer that?…..I had a problem trying to figure out how a frog pissed in my high school biology class….and my momma wouldn’t tell me…..and she’s a biologist….ask my friends reading this…..I need coffee!
DID YOU KNOW…..It was 30-years-ago….when Milli Vanilli fooled the world….by doing what Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Cher, Jon Bon Jovi and a host of other singers do?….and those dudes were trashed by the media…..they fooled the world but didn’t fool any of us living in Munich at the time…..because we knew way before the rest of the world….that they didn’t sing one note on “Girl You Know It’s True.”…..word on the street was….the guys had a problem with the producer….Frank Farian….a creep I said no to when he approached me….the problem was….they wanted to sing on the next album….Frank said no freakin’ way….big fight….and Frank ratted them out……they did record one….and they did sing the vocal tracks…..I think they probably sold….one CD….now this is my favorite part of the story….the “real” people who sang on their bogus CD….decided to produce their own CD called…. “The Real Milli Vanilli”…..I think they probably sold two.
VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY SENIOR SARAH FULLER MAKES COLLEGE FOOTBALL HISTORY AS A KICKER…. “I represent the little girls out there who wanted to do this or have thought about playing football or any sport, really”…..thank you Sarah….for being a trailblazer.