…..Speed of projectile + aerodynamics+ impact +voice equals….reaching over the bar, grab a ice cube, throw it at the bartender, wait until it slams him upside his head and then yell, “Hey, I’ve been waiting for over 10 minutes to get a drink.”
TEENAGERS ASKED TO LEAVE McDONALD’S OVER POSH BANQUET….The two young men came in and set up the table with a nice tablecloth, candles, cutlery, wine glasses and were dressed very nice….they said they wanted to bring some class to the fast food chain…one employee wanted them to leave but the other staff members and customers overruled her.
DRUNK ELK TERRORIZES SWEDEN…..Man there are a lot of animals getting their drunk on….a Moose trashed a classroom and one was found up in a tree, one Elk got into a fight with a swing set, one man couldn’t enter his house because 5 of them were hanging out on his front porch, an Owl was found staggering around after drinking two bottles of Schnapps and Britain has drunk Wasps.
PUBLIC MASTURBATION DECLARED LEGAL IN SWEDEN….Well they just created a sticky situation.
PARENTS THREATEN TO SUE FOOTBALL STAR FOR OUTING HOOLIGAN KIDS…..Now wait….you’re snotty nosed brats decided to have a party..…in my house…..and I’m not home nor was I invited….and they broke into my house….and then began to break, trash and graffiti my possessions……basically don’t give a shit….and you’re mad because I told the media the names of your “Parent’s didn’t raise them right” kids?…..and now you want to sue me?……..FUCK YOU!!!!!
COUNTRIES WHERE CHILDREN ARE SENTENCED TO DIE IN PRISONS…..That’s right….the United States is the only country in the world that condemns people to spend their lives behind bars for crimes they committed before they turned 18.
TEENAGER BECOMES FIRST PERSON ARRESTED UNDER CHINA’S NEW ANTI-GOSSIP LAW….Man that would not work back home…..there are way too many “I Heard” stories floating around…..if you spread a rumor on the net you can get 3 years if more than 5,000 people see it or if it’s re-post more than 500 times.
TED CRUZ READS “GREEN EGGS AND HAM” ON SENATE FLOOR…..And you’re wondering why nothing gets done….because a bunch of two-year old’s were elected.
BUCKINGHAM PALACE SEEKS TIMEKEEPER FOR QUEEN’S CLOCKS….There are 1,000 clocks you have to look after and the job pays $50,035 per year…. actually that’s Pounds…. which is worth more than the dollar right now…..if you’re interested.
“NO” IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE….And so is…YO….HEY…STOP…WHAT….HUH…WHY and STUPIDASS!
THE 8 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MEET WHEN IT RAINS…..Wet ones, soaked ones, drenched ones, mad ones, really pissed off ones, pushy ones, evil ones and the ones who laugh at you because you don’t have an umbrella.
WILD HOG ROAMS STREET, SCARES PEOPLE….Now you’re going to tell me with all of those “GUNS” in Atlanta…..no one thought about have a street party BBQ?
TUNISIAN RAPPER KLAY BBJ JAILED FOR SIX MONTHS……Why?….because he insulted the authorities…he basically said to the Police what N.W.A. said to the Police.
INVISIBLE MAN BOOK BAN LIFTED IN NORTH CAROLINA SCHOOLS….I wanted to write about this ban yesterday….nice to know they realized it’s a great book….so who’s next to be banned?…..Baldwin, W.E.B. Dubois, Tubman, Douglass, King Jr., Marshall, Hurston, Baraka, Brown, Jackson, Davis, Walker, Morrison…..or how about Kafka?
ELEMENT OF THE WEEK: DUBNIUM…..Anyone know this element?…..don’t worry…. they don’t either….because no one has ever seen it but it is thought to be a solid metal at room temperature…it is a synthetic transactinide compound with a fleeting half-life that can only be found in the laboratory…..why did I tell you that?…….I have no idea!
BABIES SMELL DELICIOUS, JUST LIKE CHEEBURGERS……After eating, burping and getting rid of what they ate….they don’t.
5 THINGS TO DO IF YOU DON’T WANT KIDS…..There’s only one thing to do if you don’t want kids
WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE EARTH’S SURFACE…..More dirt.
HOW TO EXPLAIN EVIL TO YOUR CHILDREN….Let them sit on the sofa and watch the news with you..…that’s a good start.
JOHN BALDWIN, ARKANSAS MAN, FIRED 19 ROUNDS AT JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES…..I guess they didn’t believe him when he said he didn’t want a Watchtower magazine.
WOMAN FIGHTS OFF FRANK HARRISON, ALLEGED RAPIST WITH COOKING POT…Man you should see the photo of this guy….he has lumps all over his head.