LOVE…..is an awful thing to hate…..

AND THE HOCKEY JERSEY OF THE YEAR AWARD…..goes to the player with the last name…… “MYBALZICH”

I HAVE REACHED AN AGE….where my mind says…. “I can do that”…..but my body says….. “Try it and you’ll be sorry”

WIFE: He died of natural causes

COPS: You pushed him off a roof

WIFE: Gravity is natural

BREAKING NEWS:……Rain expected in Qatar today……FIFA is cancelling all World Cup matches…..in case there’s a rainbow

IT ALWAYS SEEMS…..impossible…..until it’s done

WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW…..there’s no need to entertain…..what they think

THE BLACK FRIDAY DEALS I REALLY WANT….75% off groceries……25% off electricity……80% off rent

NO MATTER WHAT SOCIETY SAYS…..it’s ok to be like….. “Nah, that ain’t for me”

THE PROBLEM…..is not that people are uneducated……the problem is that they are educated just enough to believe……what they’ve been taught…..and not educated enough to question…..what they’ve been taught

SUMMER….didn’t even say bye…..bitch just packed her shit…..and left

BOSS: We’re gonna be doing random drug testing to day

WORKER: Ok, but I won’t try crack

I’M A BETTER PERSON……when I’m tan…..and holding a margarita

A LITTLE FOOLISHNESS…..enough to enjoy life…..and a little wisdom…..to avoid the errors…..that will do……(Osho)

WRESTLING…..a sport where people without pants…..fight for a belt

PSA: Every few days try your jeans on…..just to make sure they still fit……pajamas will have you believing……all is well in the kingdom

FACT: Snow happens in November…..because people decorate for Christmas prematurely…..you know who you are…..stop it!

IF ANYONE IS CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR ME…..Size 5…..days in Dubai…..Size 2 weeks…..in Jamaica

IF YOU THINK…..nobody cares if you’re alive……try missing a few car payments

FRIEND: Your husband in now 82……and he still enjoys chasing girls…..aren’t you upset?

WIFE: Why should I be upset?…..dogs chase cars…..but they can’t drive.

QUESTION: What do you trust more than the Bible?

ANSWER: The ads on Pornhub……telling me girls within 3 miles of my location…..want to hookup

I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL TODAY…..I said, “I’ve been bitten by a wolf”…..the doctor asked, “Where?”…….I replied, “No, just a normal wolf”

AND MY FAVORITE……

FRENCH TOURIST (IN AMERICA):…..M’sieur…..I would like some pepper sent up to my room

HOTEL CLERK: Certainly sir…..black pepper or white pepper

FRENCH TOURIST: toilet pepper……(come on, tell the truth…..you said that with a French accent)