I…..saw…..6/6/66…..7/7/77…..8/8/88…..9/9/99…..10/10/10…..11/11/11….12/12/12….and now…..2/22/22……damn…..I’m old
I DON’T NEED A HOUSEKEEPER….to clean my house…..I just need a friend to text me and say…..they are stopping by in 20 minutes
AT THIS POINT…..if I get picked up by aliens……I’m just gonna go ahead…..and consider it a rescue mission…..instead of an abduction
OUR GRANDDAUGHTERS…..should not have to fight…..the battles their Grandmothers already won
MEN:…..What would women do without us?
WOMEN:…..Everything…..we would do absolutely everything!
THREE OF THE JUSTICES….on the Supreme Court…..were appointed by a President…..who tried to overthrow the government…..and a fourth is married to a woman…..who actively planned the overthrow….and we’re just supposed to act like that’s ok?
PARENTS…..Kids are more depressed these days…..I wonder why?
KIDS…..You destroyed the economy for us…..the earth is literally dying…..we are going to work until we die…..and on top of that…..the Nazis are back
PARENTS…..It’s probably those pesky iPhones
I DON’T CARE…..my kids….your kids.….their kids….his kids….her kids.….if they’re in my sight…..I’m watching out for them…..no matter who they belong to
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY…..to all the soon to be dads…..in the red states who don’t want kids…..you think gas prices are high…..wait until 18 years of child support…..kicks in over a one night stand
REMEMBER LADIES…..do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the husbands…..if particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies…..we are determined to foment a rebellion…..and will not hold ourselves bound by and laws…..in which we have no voice or representation….. (Abigail Adams)
EVERYONE…..has the right to be stupid…..it’s just that some people…..abuse the privilege
IF YOU THINK…..girls are dramatic…..you’ve never seen a guy die in a video game
4th OF JULY IS CANCELED…..You can’t exactly celebrate…..freedom while it’s being taken away
GOD…..didn’t write the Second Amendment…..a slave owner did
THE SAME FOLKS SAYING….. “Don’t have sex and you won’t get pregnant”…..believe in a religion based upon the idea…..that a woman didn’t have sex…..and got pregnant
DO SOMETHNG TODAY……that would’ve gotten you burned at the stake 400 years ago
THERE’S NOTHING LIKE…..a little tomato soup to soothe the soul…..even if it’s cold…..over ice…..with a celery stalk…..and vodka
I WANT MY CHILDREN…..to have all the things I couldn’t afford…..and then I’ll move in with them
I USED MY MANNERS TODAY…..I said please…..well actually what I said was bitch please…..but whatever
I ALWAYS SEE…..adults pour a glass of wine……and only fill it halfway…..and I’m like…..okay…..one of us is doing it wrong…..and I think it’s you
YOU THINK HAUNTED HOUSES ARE SCARY?……come over to my house in the morning when I run out of coffee…..I’ll show you scary
AND MY FAVORITE…..
THE SUPREME COURT……just rules that you can lead your students in prayer…..I hope you are all prepared….to uphold and honor that decision……bring out your pentagrams…..your herbs and tarot cards…..your Quran.….your Tanakh…..and Talmud…..your Ram’s horn…..your Star of David…..your Baphomet…..your Satanic Bible…..your alters…..your Tibetan prayer wheel…..your Book of Shadows…..